Sorry I hope this isn’t too detailed or long! I am currently seeing someone with ms. I’ve known him quite some time so I know quite a lot about how it affects him. Most of the time when were having sex it’s alright and we can do certain positions that we enjoy. However, when his ms is playing up, things can be difficult. The illness affects one side of his body, so when it’s at its worse, certain positions can be difficult. We were together the other night. We had oral sex (which is fine as it doesn’t mean he has to move much). We also had missionary sex at the beginning, and I went on top after. We then rested a while (we were both a bit tired!) and he said he couldn’t feel his arm and leg. I asked if he was all right and he said he was fine it was just numb. Later we started things again with foreplay. When I suggested we have sex again and in a certain position, he got a bit irritated and explained he hadn’t been doing too much because of his side. At the end (we finished with oral sex) he laughed and sighed, saying something about why every time at the end does his illness play up. He then told me he’d be back shortly and I heard him throwing up in the bathroom. When he came back I asked and he said hed just been sick. This has happened once before after sex. I said I was sorry but he said not to be and he’s been sick a couple of times this week so it’s not me. I just feel bad as I don’t want to seem like I don’t care when it’s affecting him during sex. I’m always patient and ask if he’s alright. But when I ask him to do things or suggest we try something different I feel as though he thinks I’m not taking his illness into consideration? I only want us both to feel comfortable and I only ask him to do things because I think it’s what he’d enjoy, as we do talk about what we’d both like to do and enjoy. Could anyone give me advice on how best to show that I do understand? Is there any way we can still enjoy it when things are bad? I always make sure he’s all right, but I don’t want it to seem like a massive deal.
Does HE initiate sexual activity very much, or is it more often initiated by you?
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! Too much information!!
Hi Charla,
I would agree with Jen - look at the publications and talk to your partner. You seem to have a good open relationship so tell him your fears, that you don’t want to make him uncomfortable and ask that he be honest and patient with you.
And good on you for having the bravery and consideration for your partner to come on here and ask the question!!!
Good luck hun
JBK x
Hello Charla and welcome to the forum 
Your very brave to come on here and talk in such great detail about your sex life. I’m far from a prude but maybe just a tad too much detail If you are so intimate with this man then you really should be able to share with each other, what you like or don’t like when it comes to sex. Good luck, I hope you find a way to sort it out. Communication is the way forward. Take care
I think it must be particularly hard for a person to feel like a failure in bed. I know it would knock my confidence if I felt I wasn’t able to perform and I think that I’d be fairly sensitive about it so perhaps your partner feels like his ability to satisfy you is being questioned when you suggest positions that he is unable to do.
Perhaps chat to him and tell him that you’re open to any ideas he might have and that it doesn’t bother you if he can’t do certain things. However, he shouldn’t take it as a slight when you suggest something. A bit more communication about what he does feel comfortable with should resolve the way it’s making both of you feel.
I also think that it’s not too much information. Sex is a completely normal part of a relationship and there are some issues which are going to crop up as a result of MS. The post has been tagged “sex and relationships” so it’s not that people didn’t know what they were getting when they opened the thread!
Hi Charla,
Sorry, but your post really made me smile. I’m glad that someone with MS out there is getting so much ‘attention’.
It could be that your OH is overheating (look up Uhthoffs Phenomena) and that’s what’s making his symptoms temporarily worse (and making him a bit tetchy).
Have a read up, and think of ways you can introduce maybe a bit of ‘cooling break’ into ‘the proceedings’. I’m sure he’ll realise what a lucky man he is to have found someone so thoughtful, so well done and er…carry on.
Mags xx
Just a note to Meme…the tag isnt that obvious and I got reading the post, without knowing its content. I think the tags should be more obvious.........but thats for the mods, not you, I know…
polx
I think that this is for you and your other half to discuss and resolve. I don’t feel comfortable giving you advice but just want to make a general comment to say that sexual activity over and over again can be very physically draining even without MS. Perhaps he does feel that you are not being satisfied.
I hope you manage to talk this through with him.
Shazzie
I think it’s great you care enough. I get frustrated that I can’t ‘perform’ as I used to and it knocks your confidence. Add in that I was with my ex husband for 11 years since I was 19 it’s daunting. But being the person with ms I find it best to be as open as I can be. State that my legs can’t stand long as I’ll get muscle fatigued. That my core and back muscles are weakened so prefer to use positions which won’t hurt/tire me. Or say if I’m not feeling great. Speaking openly is def the best way to be. Though I think it can be a good way for stretching much more fun than doing them alone. Maybe massage would be a good thing to incorporate, Sorry if I’ve gave too much detail.
Anon, you haven’t give too much detail Meme, I think we all know that sex Is a completely normal part of relationships. I just don’t want to hear about every little detail of someone else’s.
Thanks for all your messages. I’m sorry if it was too much detail, but I just wanted to explain what we can and can’t do so readers could understand what’s worse and offer advice. He’s usually the one to instigate sexual activity when I’m there. His sexual performance isn’t affected as such so he’s not insecure in that respect just with his arm and leg. He’s told me before when he didn’t get In touch for a week that it was because it was making him feel insecure and we discussed it and I said it doesn’t matter to me and we can take things slowly. We do discuss what we like and what we’d like to do together but sometimes when I suggest it he says he can’t. He does definitely get the overheating as he’s often very warm and we did have to take a break so he could recover a little. I want him to know we can stop at any point and he’s confident enough to tell me that I just want to be able to tell him that it’s fine at any point without it being a bad thing or him feeling ‘patronised’ for want of a better word?
Don’t worry about it Charla…I think we’ll survive lol
Like I said in my earlier message…good communication between you both will make all the difference I’m sure.
Take care
Hi charla So are you in a relationship or friends with benefits, don’t mean to pry so tell me to mind my own. At the moment with everything I can’t have a relationship would take too much tkne and effort. But I’m human and miss having someone to chill out with and the other fun stuff. So suppose I’ve to kiss a few frogs before I find the prince Maybe as time goes on you’ll notice when he’s struggling and discreetly change things to help both of you. That way he will prob notice but it won’t become an elephant in the room. Hopefully it will just go from strength to strength x
No it’s fine. Well things started up between us as we were good friends, then it got a bit messy and we agreed to just be friends with benefits as he said with his illness and other problems (personal which I won’t go into now) that he can’t be with anyone right now and I’m not really looking for anything too serious at the moment. So we have a good friendship, lots in common etc, with this on the side. We can talk about it and we’ve discussed it in the past it’s just he doesn’t like to discuss it as I think it brings everything to the surface. But he knows I’m caring. It’s just difficult as we don’t really get to see each other that much, and he lets me know what hed like to do. So when I make a suggestion, it’s because I know it’s something he would like to do and think it would make him and me happy. The communication is there I just don’t want to keep talking about it and make him feel inadequate. Thanks for all the replies.