Oh dear I am in the dog house (again).
My daughter keeps pushing me to go out on christmas day for a lunch with her and my son in law.
I dont want to go out. I know if i go out the pain will be horrible for days, i cant sit very comfortably and eating is a chore for me, and the restaurant will be warm, noisy and it will make me feel horrible (i have tried meals out).
Christmas means nothing to me anymore. I lost my mum just after my diagnosis in 2016, and then i lost my beloved hubby in October 2017 and xmas is not on my agenda.
Also it means i have to leave my dog on her own for several hours, she has been my constant for 12 years. I would be worrying about her as the flat is all new to her, and she gets stressy now when i go out. Yes I know i am just making excuses, but isnt it my right to decide if i want to go out or not? Should i be made to feel guilty if i decline? My other daughter offered me lunch in her static home, up in the fields where we have our horses. Her life is total chaos, her home a mess and to be honest to get there she would have to collect me. 5 dogs running around…you get the picture.
so yes i am making excuses.
I simply dont want to go. I actually quite like the idea of a quiet xmas where i can sit and enjoy my own company and watch a load of poop on amazon/nowtv/netflix (actually earmarked the new dolly parton series to watch Heartstrings i watch jolene it was brilliant and was going to watch a few more on xmas day)
I did offer a compromise, I said to my eldest you go out and enjoy your xmas with hubby and then come back to me, and we can have a nice vegan desert and i can buy some nice wine for them, and we can enjoy that together.
they are vegan i am not. I know if i order a turkey meal i will get the roll eyes lol. Nah just kidding.
BUT am i being selfish? The thought of going out makes me feel sick. we have a xmas meal here in my sheltered today 24 people will be there. I am not doing that either, as i can choke on a pea. I am not good with eating with strangers, i.e. choking hazard and having no teeth its hard to eat and i have to take my time. No one has thought less of me, and in fact i am going up there after the meal for a sing along.
i can take my dog as they love her, so she has been invited. Lucy is part of my life now.
BUT how can i make my daughters understand i am ok, I am happy. I have even offered to do a little finger buffet for boxing day so they can come that day god knows where they will all sit ha ha, but xmas day, i really dont want to go out, and i am not cooking a big meal i dont have facilities EVERY YEAR i have either cooked a meal for my family or spent 500.00 taking them all out for lunch including last year before i came here, now i just want to enjoy one xmas on my own with my memories.
Selfish perhaps, but isnt it my choice?
Be honest I can take it. xxxx OH and HAPPY XMAS.