Hi everyone. Sorry if this is in the wrong place… My mum is 60 and has had MS for as long as I can remember (I am now 38). It started going downhill when she had a fit in front of me years back and I honesyly thought she was going to die in front of me. Sonce then her MS has got steadily worse and worse. She has gone from living on her own and coping fairly well to me having to get colleagues around (I am a police officer) to force entry into her home as she has collapsed going to the toilet. While my friends at work have been understanding ot makes me feel embarressed that friends have seen my mum in that state. Now she has moved down to my uncles but lives with live in carers as she is basically bed bound 24/7. It comes across like ahe suffers from dementia like symptoms as well as those of depression. She seems to, more and more, live in what I can only describe as an alternate world. Her grasp on reality comes and goes. I dont know if this is the MS or a mental health illness of sorts. Her doctors seem happy with her as far as her general health goes aside from the MS. I am ashamed to say that I hide from her illness and avoid seeing her and even speaking to her. It isnt easy to see her as she lives around 3 hours away. Not the end of the world i know. I could speak to her more I know but it is too painful for me to see and hear her like that. The image I have of my mum is of a proud, clever and bright woman who brought me up on her own and sacrificed so much for my benefit. Like I say I feel ashamed and selfish. Not only that I feel angry at how unfair it all is, after all she hasnt hurt anybody, ever. I know people will think “life isnt fair” and all that. Apologies if this isnt in the right form or is inappropriate. If so I will take it down. I just needed to get it out and maybe hear from people in similar positions. My wife is amazing about i but I cant explain how I feel without getting angry and getting snappy. My main questions are why do I hide from it? Why do I feel so angry about it? It honestly feels like a form of grief! Anyway thanks for ‘listening’ and taking the time to read my rant.
You have plenty of good reasons to be angry and distressed at the rough hand that life has dealt your mother. No need to feel bad about feeling bad.
However, it does sound as though you are adding to your own distress by your reluctance to accept that things are as grim as they are and to show your mother that you love her by spending a bit of time with her. It is horrid when the people we love get ill - horribly ill. It reminds us of how they used to be, how they still would be with better luck, how we might some day be ourselves if our luck isn’t great either. All very troubling territory. But trying to ignore it does not seem to be doing the trick, does it?
Grit your teeth, square your shoulders and get yourself into good habits of phoning and visiting your mother. It will get easier as you get used to it - things usually do. Also, it cannot make you feel any worse than you do now - and it might just brighten your mother’s days in a way that few things now can. And that would be very good.
Good luck.
Alison
Hope you won’t be offended but I think you have to man up, save the grief for when she is no longer here.
You say she brought you up and sacrificed things for you, now it’s pay back time. You won’t regret it.
My mum got dementia when my youngest was 10 years old and we took her to see her at every opportunity and I can honestly say it’s made her the person she is today. She has worked with children with autism and now she is in her last year at uni to become a disability nurse and I am so proud.
I have progressive ms and I’m not too bad at the minute but know if things get tough my 3 girls will always be there to support me know matter what.
Mags xx
Hi Peter, I feel for you, but dont berate you for your feelings.
You are being eaten up with anger at your mum`s illness.
It isnt your fault, it isnt her fault.
Life just sometimes does these crappy things and we get a deal we never wished for and certainly never deserved.
What you might be best doing is have some counselling on how best to cope.
You have to find away to see and speak to your mum, before it`s too late.
If that doesnt happen, you`ll never make peace with yourself.
Most blokes, and it sounds like you are the same, feel they must keep a stiff upper lip and soldier on whatever!
My hubby is like that and I doubt he`ll ever change!.
Being a policeman, doesnt your employer offer counselling?
Whether or not your job has caused your worries, I imagine they will want their staff to be in a good mental place, in order to do a good job.
Pollsx
I can understand your anger: it’s a horrible disease which appears to manifest itself differently with almost everyone that has it.
It does affect the brain, my wife is definitely not the same person I married 45 years ago: now often irrational and with her own very strange brand of logic.
I think you would deal with it better if you had more contact with your mother, at the moment you have the respite of not having to deal with it every day, it should be easier to become more inured to it with more contact. (That’s just my personal theory, based on nothing more than supposition).
Peter,
anger is quite a normal response, but not that useful. I would guess that your mums love for you would be "unconditional " so think that you should be able to do the same. No one is saying it is easy, but doing the difficult stuff without resenting it is the mark of true commitment. How would she behave if to circumstances were reversed? I wish both of you good luck and hope that there are some better times to come.
Mick
I forgot to say, my mum suffered with Alzheimer’s which is another ba$tard to deal with. I knew that the woman who was my mum was no longer there but that I would try my best to support her, not just for her sake but for my own self respect.
BUT I do understand your emotional response to these nasty circumstances.
Good luck
Mick
ah this post makes me sad.
peter, you are suffering grief for what you have lost and for what your mum has lost too.
this forum shows ms in all it’s many emotions.
some sad, some mad (brain fog by albrecht durer always makes me chuckle).
ATOS should be made to read them every morning, it might help them to find their souls which are not there at the moment.
hope you can see your mum, give her a kiss and a cuddle the way she did for you when you were hurt.
i was at a party with my best friend, it was her son’s 21st and all her family were there.
i had a few too many drinks, went to the loo and could not get off it.
each time i tried it felt like i was going to fall.
kath came looking for me and although i was laughing about my predicament, she was worried.
she came back with a marvellous police woman who climbed over the door and helped me to stand.
it was kath’s brother’s wife. both heroes as you are too.
we all feel for you
carole x
- Hi Peter.your grief and loss is all too evident in you post.my heart goes out to you,your wife and not least of all to your mum.there are many people on here who have had the heartbreak.as others have said man up and try to come to terms with your grief.
We all handle things in our way.have you ever thought just how your mum feels when she has no contact with you.she was the one that gave you life,comfort and security throughout your life
Speaking from experience I know what it’s like to no longer have my own mum
I sat at her bedside for 6days and nights,she was in a coma,due too a brain tumour
The one regret that have is not knowing if she heard me telling her that I loved her.so Peter get your act together and make that journey for both your sakes.it’s too was to stand at a grave and
Cry.be a big man…