Advice needed to deal with mental health & anger

Caring for someone with MS
1

Hello,
I need some advice about dealing with stressful issues, my mum is wheelchair bound with ms, but able to do general daily tasks, unless she gets stuck or falls when transferring in and out of wheel chair, me and my dad look after her.

The issue is the mental side, she has a very poor memory, doesn’t think rationally about things, often gets very angry at small situations.

Combined with this she’s developed what I would call an addiction to shopping online, often getting obsessed with a certain thing each month, we usually have 3-4 parcels arriving everyday, and a house full of stuff we don’t need or already own, meaning things have to get boxed up and put in storage then inevitably she will buy them again.
There’s also cases of her getting new animals cats/dogs/other, saying it’s her choice if she wants to get animals, and not acknowledging the fact that I’m the one who has to take care of them because she’s unable to.

My question is how to deal with confronting her on problems like these? It almost always turns into shouting and swearing (on both sides).

I can deal with the physical side, if I need to carry her, if she falls, I’ve had to drag her out of a bath before she drowned. But I find it very hard to make her understand the smaller problems, as she think me or my dad are bullying her when we try to address them.
Recently I’ve got to the point where I will just avoid talking to her altogether even in normal conversation because it gets too stressful and I feel anger towards her (I know it is the MS that is the issue, but it’s getting harder to separate that from the person)

Are there councillors/therapists that you can have come over to discuss these mental health matters, for me and her?

Thank you

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why are you dealing with it? Surely it should be down to your father not you.

He should be restricting her access to money thats the first thing.

I love online shopping.

OK put yourself in her shoes. You cant go out right?
So you sit there and have access to a treasure trove of things. You can buy just with a click of your mouse. The knocks and it arrives. ITS EXCITING.

I have a lot of deliveries, I am now besties with my Hermes driver lol.

When i receive a parcel quite often I have no idea what it is until I open it. Every parcel is like xmas.

I convince myself everything is necessary.

I even have to do my own food shopping.

Is it an issue for me no it isnt. I am not hurting anyone and i am keeping drivers in jobs lol.

AS to too many animals where is she getting them from. I took ages to decide on a new kitten and it was done with my daughters approval.

I think you need family councilling. you can talk to your GP. It sounds to me as though your mums cognivitive issues are out of whack, and she needs support.

So ring your GP and explain, but i think it should be your father who does that.

ONLINE shopping is like a family. I have met some lovely delivery people, and because i cant go out, its a challenge for me to see if i can buy stuff cheaper. I really dont harm anyone. I love Online shop OHS, and buy myself new lounge trousers, they turn up and are too warm, so my daughter ends up with a new wardrobe lol.

My other daughter she got a new job had no blouses suitable so my mission was to buy some for her which she needed in a specifc style. I GOT 3, and she was over the moon and they fit her perfect. Its like being on a drug high, to see her face all happy when usually its gloomy.

I rest my case lol. I need to check my ebay see whats coming next, oh yeh some new mouse toy for Leo all the way from CHINA lol. xxxx

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this is quite normal for a lot of people suffering with MS.

I would give my poor husband hell over stupid things. WHAT IS RATIONAL THINKING?

POOR memory its all part of the illness and age too. she needs stimulating, she doesnt just need hoisting and moving about like a hunk of meat she is a human being with needs. SHE IS BORED bored bored.

She can do daily tasks so why not take her out to the shops, do things with her, play games, STIMULATE HER BRAIN. You say she gets obsessed with a certain thing each month. so take that certain thing and take her out to go look for it.

GOSH your poor mum, really she is being cared for by 2 carers, not family.

She is trying to survive the best way she knows how. Get her on here, to talk to us. STOP being her carer and start being her daughter perhaps, and her husband needs to take control. she is out of control, i bet she feels bad but cant talk. so yes find her someone. you can get someone privately to come and talk to her.

BEING disabled is hard work. I hated having someone shower me, i felt like a lump of meat so now i try and do it the best way i can. she sounds as though she is lonely and getting the animals is her way of finding love someone who will love her and fuss her.

Sorry i found your post quite upsetting. it rang home too close. I would be mortified if my daughters felt like this.

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I should say I’m also interested generally in the mental health side from other people, do others have these same issues? I find it much harder than the physical side.

At the moment it feels like much of my energy is just trying to keep my patience, and getting to the point where I can’t hold my tongue anymore.

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One of the issues is her and my dad are separated, he still lives here most the time but she harbours a lot of resentment towards him, will very rarely listen to what he has to say, and assumes he’s always trying to make her life harder.

I was angry with him for a long time too, but after moving back home I realised how hard things were for him too, and he is always trying to make things better for her.

With regards to money, he has stopped giving her an allowance, as it was essentially wasted each month, she spent about £4K on shoes in a month, virtually all of which went unworn and were just dumped for us to deal with, I sold them on eBay for a fraction of the price.

She has a disability allowance each month (£500) which I think would be quite easy to live on, as my dad pays all of bills and food shopping etc, but she also has her pension and savings, not to mention credit card, but I think her savings are close to empty and I just worry she maybe racking up debt (I don’t know this for sure).

She does have lots of projects on the go, and is always trying to do something new, she’s a very creative person, even gave taxidermy a go at one point!

But the issue is she’ll spend thousands on all the stuff for a new project, then before even starting she gets distracted by another idea and move onto another project, spend thousands more, and everything else goes into storage (often to never get used again).

I think family councilling is a good idea, I used to talk to her a lot we like the same telly, and I would recommend things she’d like etc. I would often be the voice of reason, trying to communicate things my dad would say as she trusts me more, but now she see me in the same way, an assumes I’m trying to make life harder for her.

I feel very bad for her, I can’t imagine how hard things are for her, and some of the things in life that makes her happy we are saying she can’t have.

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its obviously not working for her having your father there. I think this is why she is behaving so irrationally. i am not an expert but one thing I do know STRESS and MS do not mix. it can trigger all kinds of things.

I would hate it if i had an ex living in my house there was a reason why they seperated in the first place, and it seems he has come home now why because its easier for him? See I can see something perhaps that isnt there so she can too. His intentions may well be honorable, but when you have had a bad break up all you can see is dishonesty.

I am sorry yesterday i reacted badly to your post it wasnt personal it just triggered something in me, worried me, was I behaving irrationally do my family think the same way and that I have issues etc.

You see I also have 400 children in Kenya i pay for and look after. These are some of them learning about farming i pay for land for a year (2nd year now), and also bought them poultry and rabbits so that they could get through covid, they are mostly orphans and its run by a mission, called Melon Mission with sponsership they paid for a new school for them.

Am I being stilly doing that, why am i doing it, you just got me thinking I suppose.

BUT yes family councilling i think is the way to go. the chldren in the Kale field learning about farming. we grow the kale so they can have it with their gruel for their lunch at school.

children 2 farming lesson
children 2 farming lesson1920×1080 328 KB

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The problem is my dad cant really move out,

He didnt move out then move back again, he’s always been living here, he just started seeing someone else. It’s not like my parents were in a happy relationship before then, but yes I’m sure when she sees him, she sees dishonesty.

In a perfect world if my mum didn’t have MS they would be divorced living separately and both be happier, but he cant just up and leave her on her own (as I’m the one who’s living here temporarily).

I think paying for the children in Kenya is great and really nice thing to do, I wouldn’t consider that irrational. if my mum did that, I’d be all up for it.

But it would be irrational if you then said “I’m also going to go out there for a weekend every month to see them, and need a carer to go with me”, without discussing it with your family first. Which is kind of an extreme example of the choices my mum makes sometimes.
(I presume you dont do that)

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a) i dont have a passport,
b) both my daughters have full POA (Power of Attorney) so I couldnt if i wanted too lol. They also have my DNR, and i have paid for funeral etc everything is in place.

I think too i wouldnt go every month its not realistic, but if i can i am going next year if god allows me too with a carer. As i want to visit the one place i really loved the most before i pass away.

Anway i think your mums situation is untenible, but its not your problem, i suppose you could always move out and let the grown ups sort themselves out so you can have a life. xx

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Hello Edox

I was thinking this morning about your problem, or rather, your mothers problem(s).

Have you wondered why she is so obsessed with buying ‘stuff’? Is there something missing in her life that she’s trying to fill the gap with commercial products? Have you asked her? Or does she in fact even realise what she’s doing?

Maybe what’s needed is conversation(s) about what is happening inside her head? Perhaps not conversations with you and she, or even between your two parents.

You’ve said that your mother no longer trusts either you nor your father. To be honest, given her uncertain mental state, I’m hardly surprised she distrusts your father. If she’s forgotten that their marriage was hardly blissful previously and as far as he’s concerned they’re no longer ‘together’, in spite of his not having moved out. She now seems to have conflated you and your father as the ‘enemy’. The people who are stopping her from behaving however she likes.

The other thing I wondered is how she is paying for the goods she’s buying? Is there any way of restricting her access to payment methods? Or is that impossible? You said she could be racking up large debts. Is there anyway of finding out how she is paying for goods? If your father pays all the household bills and she has access to disability benefits as well as pensions, then theoretically she could easily be spending quite a lot of existing funds. But all of this is guesswork, both from us and it appears, from you too.

Crazy Chick has mentioned Power of Attorney. This is split into two parts, for health and wealth. If someone has a mental health problem that means they are essentially incapable of managing their own affairs, either financial or otherwise, it would be reasonable to look into PoA for at least wealth. But that could cause your relationship with your mother to fracture even more.

Maybe she should be talking to a professional?

Does she have an MS nurse with whom you could speak? Or a sympathetic GP? Perhaps they could refer her to someone qualified to deal with psychological problems? It certainly sounds to me that help from outside of your family.

I really hope you can get help with all of this. I can’t see that continuing to discuss your mothers complex needs with us is terribly helpful. Her situation is more involved than just having the cognitive problems associated with MS. There is what appears to be a real, and serious, mental health issue. And one that isn’t likely to be resolved by just you, your father and your mother. Outside help is surely necessary?

Sue

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This is why i mentioned family councelling. The story here is way too complicated and I find it is drip fed, so some salient points are missed when we answer.

I feel the family as a complete unit need help IMHO. x

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Hi, your situation does sound so difficult…for all 3 of you.
Do you think your mum would be interested in having non family carers ie outside carers?

My hubby did all my care for 11 years. I knew it was taking its toll on him, with his RA.
So I now have 2 lovely ladies who come to me and are paid by Direct Payments.
If you’d like more info, please ask me.
Boudsx

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Hello. First of all, you should limit your mother’s access to money. Or leave some money for her entertainment. Still, I think online shopping is her only entertainment at the moment. Of course, you understand that this is a disease. But you should also understand that you should support yourself first in addition to supporting your parents. Therefore, I agree that family advice is needed with the attending physician. I also recommend trying non-standard methods like(removed by moderator) if acceptable for you.