Forum

Am I finding fault on purpose? (only slightly MS)

A friend of mine knows it’s just been confirmed I will be made redundant at the end of the month.

Today, she writes: “Did you have a nice weekend?”.

Now is there something wrong with me, that no, I DIDN’T have a nice weekend, when I know I’m about to lose my job of 23 years? Does everyone else manage to put things like that to the back of their mind, and go out and have a lovely time? Am I abnormal for being sick with worry?

Or is it a damn stupid question? I honestly can’t tell any more, if she’s completely clueless, or if I’m just looking to pick faults with anything. Is it a harmless question? Or idiotic? What kind of answer does she expect?

“Very nice, thank you, apart from the throwing up, and not being able to spend any money, because I don’t know where the next lot is coming from”?

For those here who’ve known me some time, it’s the same friend who has a bit of a history of such remarks. The same who, when lesions were first found on my brain, said: “Oh, but you mustn’t worry: I’m SURE it’s nothing!” All very well-intentioned, I’m sure, but how does denying the bleedin’ obvious help me?

Am I unreasonable for getting cross? Haven’t told her I’m cross, but sitting here silently fuming, wondering what kind of weekend she expects I would have.

T.

x

Comments like that suck when the background is known. Take care Mike x :slight_smile:

Thanks for that Mike.

I sometimes wonder if it’s me that’s at fault for letting everything get on top of me, and that everyone else might think: “Did you have a nice weekend?” was a perfectly reasonable question.

T.

Hi your friend is lost for what to say, so she just says the easiest thing that comes to her. No, she cant understand your fears, as it aint happening to her.

luv Pollx

Hi Poll,

Yes, I’m sure all you say is right.

Maybe I’m expecting too much, that she might stop to think: “How likely is it that Tina’s having a nice time right now?”

Surely it’s not hard to work out that someone who’s about to lose their job isn’t likely to be in the best of spirits? Even without MS. Plus she’s known me a long time, and knows I’m a worrier. She must know I’m not the kind of person who finds it easy to say: “Never mind, I’m sure I’ll get another job soon!”

T.

x

Hi Tina,

She doesn’t sound the sharpest knife in the drawer so I wouldn’t be too offended. I would just pity her in case anything important and negative ever happens to her. But it is tough having to associate with numpties isn’t it? It’s easier said than done, but you will just have to rise above it.

Moira

Have you thought about getting a new friend.

Des

Thanks Moira.

She’s kind-hearted, so it isn’t spite or sarcasm, but I do wonder if she EVER engages brain. I actually spent most of yesterday in bed with a hot water bottle, because I was feeling pretty down with it all. My friend couldn’t have known that, of course, but not hard to guess that I wouldn’t have been out partying and having a lovely time.

Tina

Hi Des,

I’ve known her since primary school - which is a very long time.

But since diagnosis, in particular, I’ve been wondering just how much we do have in common, and whether it’s time for a parting of the ways.

I’ve been intentionally less responsive than I used to be, keeping her at-arm’s-length.

I don’t blame her for not understanding MS, of course - nobody can, unless they have it.

But I’ve learnt she’s no good in a crisis, and is quite likely to come out with stupid stuff, like: “I hope you’re having a lovely day!”

Another classic was: “Isn’t it lucky you’re unaffected?” (by the MS)

True, I don’t use a stick or wheelchair yet, and I suppose I have to count my blessings. But I certainly don’t consider myself unaffected - or lucky either! Lucky would be not to have it at all.

Tina

I think there are people in this life that don’t think, and I guess you don’t need to be near them at this time . I have found to my cost over the years , I know how i felt getting made redundant it aint nice so try and be kind to yourself . Ironically I had my sister and brother visiting my brother has recently been diagnosed with diabetes and he is in shock , tried calming him down but i guess sister was bored or insensative saying I have heard all of this on the journey here. Brother then said can you visit my flat soon and I said I will try, he lives in a high rise but it has lifts to his floor, at this sister says you need to visit me , she lives at the top of a tenament block, when telling hubby he says does she not understand your predicament , so you can get insensativity even from your family the same sister keep me waiting one day for 40 minutes told her i would not be doing this again at this she said you know what i am like . Or friends who asked us out for a meal in edinburgh plenty of parking near the restaurant and pub next door, so there are also people who do think .

take care

trish

Oh dear, it’s a pity when friends turn out to have the brains of neeps - you know that she is well meaning with her comments and questions, but perhaps “How was your weekend?” would have been a better question. You’re under a lot of stress just now, it isn’t any wonder you’re reacting like this. But you have bigger things to worry about just now than your brainless friend, try not to let her add to the stress, you don’t need that.

(((HUGS)))

Luisa x

Thanks Trish and Luisa,

Judging by the responses so far, it’s such a relief that I’m not making a fuss about nothing.

Yes, just a simple difference in wording, to: “How was your weekend?”, or even: “Are you OK?” would have been so much better than the absurd: “Did you have a nice weekend?”

She knows I’m not well; she knows I have a crisis looming. She even knows the weather’s dreadful! How likely is it that I’d answer: “Yeah, partying here, thanks!”?

T.

x

Hi Tina Your friend is obviously completely unable to empathise with you at all. Perhaps she has very little to worry about in her life. Isn’t she the lucky one? It does beg the question - is she really a friend? Take care Tina, Teresa xx

In the US, they use the word Pollyanna as an adjective, to describe someone with blind optimism.

So, Tina, next time your friend says something thoughtless, just think “Pollyanna!”

Geoff

Hi Geoff,

Funnily enough, I’ve used that adjective before about her - even though I’m not American.

She’s very tender-hearted, but so much so that she can’t seem to deal appropriately with any bad news.

I could cite numerous examples, but a classic was when my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer - a very aggressive kind. To the best of my knowledge, 100% mortality rate, with OR without treatment. My friend’s reaction: “Oh, but you mustn’t worry! Doctors will fix him up as right as rain, won’t they?”

NOT what you need to hear, when you’re trying to come to terms with the fact there isn’t going to be a happy ending, and that you’re going to lose a parent.

I’m not advocating a fatalistic attitude to everything: for many cancer patients, there IS hope - certainly much more than there used to be.

But Dad wasn’t lucky enough to have a kind that was treatable. We knew from the outset that care would be “palliative only”, and that mean life expectancy from diagnosis was less than a year.

So to be told that doctors were going to fix him up as right as rain was absolute drivel.

Tina

A friend of mine asked me once ‘how did you get on at the hospital?’

I replied ‘I have been diagnosed with ms’

her reply - ’ never mind - i’m sure you will feel better soon’

I was stood in a group of 5 people at the time and everyone looked at her in amazement!

Not the brightest person - but i laughed at her ignorance as she still has no idea about what she said! LOL!

Teresa. x

Wow, that’s a classic, isn’t it?

I’m afraid people have such confidence in the ability of medicine to fix anything, that a few, like your friend and mine, don’t seem to appreciate there’s any such thing as an incurable illness.

They think that because you’ve been to the hospital, and are in the care of “experts”, they’re bound to sort everything out.

At the other extreme, my neighbour’s reaction, when told of my diagnosis, was: “Oh well, you’ve got to die of something, I suppose.”

So people either think everything can be fixed, or everything’s fatal!

This is rapidly turning into a duplicate of the “Stupid things people say” thread, but there are some real gems, aren’t there?

T.

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