Forum

Am I being selfish

Hi

my wife has had MS for around 12 years now, she is in a wheelchair most of the time. I sold my business to care for her, but she treats me like a slave. I have to dress her while she screams at me, I do everything in the house as she can’t manage, but the constant caring for her, trying to get her to go to bed a a reasonable time etc is driving me mad. All she does is shout scream, moan, and hit me. I feel like I have no life anymore and am seriously thinking of leaving, but I can’t who will care for her?

i used to love her dearly but I am beginning to hate and resent her…

see your gp, you may need a low dose anti-depressant.

also speak to someone from the ms society, they may be able to suggest other options.

you obviously have been patient and caring.

now consider giving yourself a break.

maybe a weekend away will do you the power of good.

carole x

No, you’re not being selfish. You seem like a man who has reached the end of his tether. Your wife seems like she is angry and probably at the end of hers. Who can blame either of you? However,no matter how angry with ms she might be it doesn’t give her the right to use you as a whipping boy. I’ve sometimes thought of ms as an “affair”. A lover who’s intruded in my marriage. Uninvited, unwanted, wreaking havoc and causing upset, and there’s nothing I can do to end it! I feel you both need some help, practical and emotional. Can you confide in a family member or close friend? People won’t offer any help if they think you’re both managing okay. It could be help with household chores or something as simple as taking her out somewhere, without you. A scenic drive, hairdresser, lunch, a coffee and cake. It gives you a chance to do something for yourself, something you don’t get a chance to do anymore maybe. Even the closest of couples with the best relationship need time apart. Space. It doesn’t have to be a week or weekend. Nor a day or two. A couple of hours would be a good start. As mentioned above, check for a nearby ms society. I always thought I’d NEVER go to one of these, but a year after diagnosis i went. It was an eye opener for sure and humbling to see how people affected worse than I was at the time, still enjoyed the laughter,the company, life in general. I’m lucky my husband is happy to take me there. (I don’t drive anymore) He could go off on his own and leave me there for a while but he actually enjoys the tea and chat. We usually end up having lunch somewhere and it’s a break. Please don’t let this go on for any longer. You both deserve much more. There is help out there. Good luck.

2 Likes

Google carers centre, there will be one in your location. There are carers support groups around allowing you to “off load” in a safe space.

As has been said you - and she - need respite from each other. Also contact social services, tell them its all too much for you and ee if you can get help with at least some of the tasks

Have you spoken to your local Adult Social Care?

They will do care assessment and give a budget to pay for it.

I think you need to get out and get carers in.

Find yourself a job and move out.

Hi Anonymous

Sorry to read of your troubles and that you have become the victim of domestic violence and abuse.

What you are experiencing sounds utterly dreadful and soul destroying as well as putting you at risk of physical injury.

Please, make an appointment with your GP and confide about how things are. Domestic abuse entitles you to get legal aid for and legal help you may need in disentangling from a tenancy agreement, mortgage, divorce, civil partnership etc however this can only be accessed once disclosures have been made to suitable professionals.

You don’t say if you’re a man or woman so here are the contact details for the main advice and info organisations that you can contact:

Hi

I have been through what you are describing. My husband has had PPMS since 2001, he is now completely dependant on me, I gave up my work a year ago to take on his care full time.

You need to get an assessment done, this will then hopefully enable you get some assistance. We used to have carers twice a day, morning to get my husband up and dressed and lunchtime to make sure he was clean etc and then I did the rest. Now I do it 24/7 except for 14 hours a week when they sit with my husband while I take our daughter to clubs etc, this enables me to have a 4hr break once a week which doesn’t sound a lot buy does enable me to have some down time. He OT or adult social care should be able to help you.

I found caring for my husband very difficult for a while, like you I love him dearly but I did question it at one point and considered leaving but couldn’t because although I was questioning if I loved him enough, I couldn’t leave and I am glad I didn’t. I was finding it difficult to deal with the changes in our life but I know he was struggling as well which is why he was angry and said some horrible things. Perhaps you can get some help for both of you to help you with the adjustments mentally and perhaps find a local group to go to so that you can talk to people in the same situation. I know we have a local meeting once a month for carers, I have never attended but have thought about it but we did use to attend a MS coffee morning once a month as a couple. This enabled my husband to talk to other MS suffers and me to understand that some things are common in MS suffers ie mood swings, depression etc.

Unfortunately being a carer can make you feel isolated and lonely but I am sure deep down your wife appreciates all you do for her.

Take care and please talk to someone, they can help.

2 Likes