So sorry but I’m feeling a bit ‘odd’ today! Well - more ‘odd’ than usual!
I started back to work last Monday - I had a phased return meeting first thing – I shook like a leaf - stuttered & slurred - lost my train of thought constantly - I said the most stupid things - I tripped - I pushed the wrong button in the lift 3 times - I basically felt like an utter fool - even though they couldn’t have been nicer or more supportive! I just couldn’t wait to get out of there and come home.
I then worked from home all week and tried again on Friday - it was horrible!! I don’t know exactly why or what was wrong - but I felt like a scared rabbit! I felt like everyone was looking at me and talking behind my back - I was nervous and anxious and feeling like the biggest failure on earth! Again I just couldn’t wait to get out of there - run away!!
This week I’ve worked from home because on Monday I had more MRI’s - yesterday down the hospital again to see the endocrinologist - this morning I have a blood test andwas intending to go into the office afterwards - but I just can’t bring myself to face it !!
Physically I’m a lot better than I was - most of my symptoms have eased now apart from the fatigue heat intolerance and that ‘generally feeling unwell’ feeling!
I just can’t cope with my mental state - I’m sitting here with tears pouring down my face - feeling like I’ll never be able to function properly ever again - I just feel such a failure!!
I’m trying so hard to keep positive but failing
I feel like I’ve had a nervous breakdown as well as everything else - I just don’t know what to do to help myself!!
Aww hunni I wish I could make it go away but sending you a massive hug. Maybe it was partly the stress of going back to work aggravated your symptoms. I’m rubbish at advice but am thinking of you and you know where I am if you need a chat Xx
I think you’re being hard on yourself and seeing the negatives instead of the positives - you’ve actually been incredibly brave by going back in to work like that!
The first piece of advice that comes to mind is to relax and take it easy. Remember that you’re not expected to just get up, go to work and do everything right without any mistakes. I had some confidence coaching at work recently, from the lovely Gerry McNulty who used to play the secretary in the tv show “My Hero”. What she said is absolutely true here as well: you need to go into things knowing that it’s possible you’ll make a mistake, accepting that you probably will, but knowing that it’s fine.
I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t beat yourself up about your mistakes. You’re not an “utter fool”, you’re someone with MS who is brave enough to keep on fighting despite everything being 100 times harder than it should be. In short, you’re awesome
First off well done you for fighting to get back to work and actually doing it. You dont seem to realise how good all of that is.
2nd bit you say you have worked from home has all of that been ok because that is then the 2nd well done.
3rd bit you are bound to be anxious about the actual work placed stuff because if you think about it you have been fairly housebound for months and you feel everyone is looking at you.
It is almost like starting a new job if your duties etc are changed and feeling like people are summing you up by watching your every move.
I doubt very much if most people in your work place take any more interest than oh so and so is back. (although I dont know your work setup).However you did start by saying they couldnt of been nicer or more supportive.
I think you are being very hard on yourself expecting your body to return to its normal self while at work. You are a new Jen now and both body and mind have to learn the new you at work…and this will take time and will be constantly evolving.
Have you got someone at the actual work place that you can talk to and confide in about how being there made you feel…they are probably amazed at how well you did.
Nikki xxx yes - I was really stressed during the phased return meeting and any stress turns me into a gibbering idiot these days!!
Dave - thank you xxx I’m not diagnosed though - I think this makes things worse because people are asking and saying things like ‘Oh - well if it was anything ‘serious’ like MS they’d have found it by now wouldn’t they - so stop worrying and put it behind you’ lol
Pip xxx working from home is no problem since my symptoms have eased - I can just pace myself here and I’m actually enjoying it!
It’s the going in to the office - walking through the faculty - getting caught in the lift with everyone either looking at me or asking how I am - if I could run through or climb up the back stairs I flipping well would!
Driving in started me off - it’s exhausting & stressful as I’ve lost my confidence due to my tremor etc.
I seem to have totally lost my confidence accross the board - I’m supposed to be presenting at our conference next week but I’ve bowed out as just the thought of it was making me feel sick!
I also feel guilty as I’m not there for my team - they seem to have gone to pieces - although I’ve been on the phone & e mails - except for when I was really bad.
Trouble is in the run up to me having to go totally off sick one of them took the opportunity to totally back stab/undermine me - that has been so upsetting over the last 12 months as I did’nt expect it of them as I was extremely supportive & protective of her when she had some relationship issues. Then another one has been getting really stressed as they feel they have had to ‘hold the fort’ - so I’m feeling guilty there!!
You are all right though!! -I know that just the fact that I am off sick leave is a giant step forward!
I’ve decided not to go in for the rest of this week - I’ve had 3 hospital appointments too - and as you know these are stressful enough in themselves!
I’m just going to go in when I really feel up to it - If people don’t like it they can lump it - my bosses & personnel are fully behind me on that one! xxxjenxxx
Everyone has given you great advice and they’re right - you’re being too hard on yourself!!
I’m exactly the same myself, so I’m not knocking you. I was signed off work a few months back, ironically it wasn’t the ms that I was off sick for, but of course it still decided to kick in big time
When I went back to work I felt like I needed to prove myself - to continually go that extra mile all the time, but it was me that thought that. No one else. It’s definitely a confidence thing with me, I feel like I’ve had it kicked out of me and there are times when it raises it’s ugly head and causes complete and utter havoc.
Try to pace yourself - much like you do at home. Okay, so I know it’s different because you’re in comfy surroundings at home, but the principal is the same. Deal with one issue at a time. Don’t take everything on all at once but do accept the fact that you are human and will make mistakes. It is gonna be harder because you’re wrestling with an illness too and I wouldn’t mind betting that your colleagues wouldn’t be able do a better job of it!!! In fact they’ve already proved that they can’t…!
As for the backstabbing, stirring and undermining - well, wherever you go and whatever you do there will always be someone willing to do that! There’s a snake in every company and more often than not it nearly always turns out to be the ones that you never thought would do such a thing!
Take your time Jen, look after you and don’t worry about what anybody else says or thinks.
Funny you should mention the silly things people say! I’ve just read a book on my Kindle called “The Dumbest Things Smart People Say to People with MS” - and it’s quite an amusing read!
I don’t even know what I have but I recognise every single common phrase. “Surely you just need to exercise more!”, and “Oh I get that all the time”, and “Why don’t you just take painkillers?”, and, “It can’t be that bad - you look fine!”
Could you talk to access to work and see if they would provide taxis for the journeys so that is a major hassle out of the way?
The fact you were going to do a presentation sums up the pushing too hard too soon,you will make yourself really ill and back to square one running before you can walk.
As to feeling guilty I understand that one as I have left an entire care home in the hands of my deputy during a time of major changes…but like you …its not our fault.
Are the terms of your phased return based on you being unrealistic in what you thought you could manage and are they to be reviewed regularly?
On another note what are the results of your tests?
hey Hun (hugs) I think you are underestimating what a huge challenge you have met by going back to work…so well done…you’ve worked from home…and yes going in is a bit of a pain…but you’ll get there…be kind to yourself Hun…I know it’s ot easy with ongoing tests etc…plus getting your headinto work mode…a great suggestion re ATW help to work I’ve done that and frankly without that help I wouldn’t have managed an hr drive to work, do 8 hr shift nada drive home…it really does makes hug difference to your energy and also stress re driving…maybe best get your confidence back with short trips locally…? people at work are concerned and yes it’s frustrating ot being able to tell them what’s wrong but am sure they will be patient and let you get back into things…your team will still be there…and as and when you are up to taking on that role fully again am sure they will be very happy to have you back in that capacity well done Hun…you’re ace…and makinga choice to continue work is a good one even if it all feels a bit odd for you right now so hangin there em x
I think everyone has given excellent advice, I just wanted to say how brave I think you have been and stop beating yourself up! I’ve been off for three months and just don’t think I could cope! the atw is a good idea. take care lots of hugs xx
Dave - I’ll have a gander at that! I’m trying to think of a few retorts! Like they say “You are looking well anyway!” and I’ll say “Yes - it’s easy to hide the huge, open, oozing, weeping, fungussy sore under ths top!! But don’t worry - the doc says it’s only catching if someone is within 6 foot of me” Waa haaa haa! !!
Pip - they are really flexible with me at the mo so I’ve decided not to try again until next week. As for the tests they all came back within normal ranges but the Addisons one was inconclusive so I’m going in for the day soon so they can do the more in depth testing xxxalso getting a specialist scan on the pituitary xxxx
Em - thank you lovely xxx
Clare - sorry about your diagnoses - I’m still in limbo - I was off for 4 months this time and wanted to get back because who knows how long this is going to go on for xxxx
