My husband’s behaviour is such that he is now deemed a threat to the phycological well-being of our 2 kids (both under 10). The eldest in particular is being affected. He’s due to be discharged from hospital - refuses respite and care homes. I’m stuck in the middle - the children’s social worker has told me to just leave with the kids even if that means going to my parents 100 miles away and pulling the kids out of school. On the other side I can see my husband who would not be able to cope - and just wants to come home. He denies he’s affecting the kids, or even the fact that on 3 occasions I’ve called the police when he’s grabbed me (and one time the eldest) - he claims he can only remember one occasion.
Not sure this is the right forum - but what do I do? I suppose our ideal would be for him to go in a care home - we could then visit him and spend quality time with him or even have him home for day visits. But if he refuses - is there anything that can be done? The house is in his sole name although I can prove I financially contributed up to the time I gave up work to have our 2nd child, then to help care for him.
Please help - there must be a middle ground somewhere
Hi there.
You seem to be in a desperate situation. I am no expert on this but I would have thought that your first duty would be to the children, who are the ones most vulnerable in this. If you did leave and take them away from the danger, then the hospital could/should not disharge your husband without there being a sufficient care package for him to go to. That would then mean they would have to call in social services and somewhere a place would have to be found for him to go to.
That should then relieve the pressure on you and the children and give some breathing space to consider what to do next. And hubby will be looked after, safe and sound.
Hope it helps.
Hello, I`ve replied to you before and can see your situation continues to worsen. I agree that your children have to come first.
It is easy for anyone else to tell you what to do…because they and I are not emotionally connected to you.
Of course you don`t want your husband to be alone and in danger of hurting himself.
But then neither you nor the kids should be put at risk of being harmed by him. But you and your little `uns are already being mentally damaged, eh?
I think you should stay in your home, as it is where you belong. The children have their own familiar things around them. taking them out of school would also be damaging for them.
I wonder if you left temporarily, would that then show the authorities that there is no-one to care for your man? Or would that give him more of a foot hold in the house and by staying away, it may look as if you had deserted him?
Or this is so hard to solve…don`t need to tell you that, do I hun?
Have you told the hospital social workers that you are afraid to be with him at home?
With regard to the house being in his name only…well you do have a right to be there and you can prove you have worked to pay for it. Someone has to see that you are in dire straits and help you. Do you think your husband`s state of mind can be used as a way to get him sectioned? Or have I gone too far with that remark? I am sorry if I have. Just dunno what else to say.
luv Pollx
Me again…have you spoken to the people at the Carers Project?
luv Pollx
I don’t know what the Carer’s Project is?
I’m not frightened in the physical sense - he’s virtually bed bound so easy to get away from! It’s the constant name calling, shouting etc which is the problem. I’ve been asking for help for 3 years - but of course he acts like a rational, polite human being whenever anyone ‘official’ turns up - although the police have heard him, and now of course the hospital staff. My eldest has been scared in the past to mention too much to his counsellor, because it starts the whole social worker thing off again which my husband then takes out on me (everything of course is my fault).
I asked my eldest today whether he thought it would be any better if dad came home, but he agreed to go to regular respite. His reply was, why couldn’t it be the other way round? He goes into residential, and comes to us for visits. Maybe one of these would be the solution. I just don’t know. My heads a mess with it all (bought my youngest school dresses yesterday, then realised last night I’d bought grey - she wears blue!).
I stupidly cajoled the kids into hospital visiting today - the eldest didn’t want to go - I said we’d only stay a little while. I said we’d been talking - and would he consider regular respite if it meant he could come home. Told me to f*** off. Eldest tried to explain to him that we find it hard at home - husband repeated himself. By the end he just shouted it at us - told the kids to just get up and we’d leave. Why did I bother?
I apologised to the kids for putting them through that - the eldest has an old head on young shoulders and said “but at least you tried mum, and I tried to help you”. Bless him. I suppose I just have to face the fact that after 18 years this really is the end. I have to look after my kids properly - penniless but happy (I hope)
x
I stupidly cajoled the kids into hospital visiting today - the eldest didn’t want to go - I said we’d only stay a little while. I said we’d been talking - and would he consider regular respite if it meant he could come home. Told me to f*** off. Eldest tried to explain to him that we find it hard at home - husband repeated himself. By the end he just shouted it at us - told the kids to just get up and we’d leave. Why did I bother?
I apologised to the kids for putting them through that - the eldest has an old head on young shoulders and said “but at least you tried mum, and I tried to help you”. Bless him. I suppose I just have to face the fact that after 18 years this really is the end. I have to look after my kids properly - penniless but happy (I hope)
x
Out of the mouths of babes, indeed.
Yep, sadly it does look as if something more permanent has to happen. i am so sorry that MS has caused this widening rift. But, if it was me in your situation, I think I would out the kids first.
Hopefully the council will rehouse you.
luv Pollx
Hi Anon,
I’m sorry to say this and it may sounds hard but when you say “but of course he acts like a rational, polite human being whenever anyone ‘official’ turns up” it means to me that he can control these behaviours and in my mind it just makes him an abuser… I know what I’d do…
I must admit that the last Anon point has a definite point there. If it was behaviour attributed to his MS then regardless of who was present he would act based on his cognitive disposition at the time, not behaviour that was responsive to whoever may be present at the time.
Right…here’s my thoughts on this matter…you may not agree but this is my 2p worth!
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If he is being abusive, record the nature of incidents as evidence to support your concerns (e.g. on your mobile phone)
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Make sure that he is aware that you will call the Police whenever his behaviour deteriorates, classical conditioning - if he acts in this way, the police will be called
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USE the children’s social worker, no one likes social workers but remember they have a duty of care to your children, use the said evidence above to highlight what you are going through whilst trying to maintain ‘normality’ for the children in terms of school / where they live / etc.
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I would suggest speaking with the children’s social worker and advising them that you want them to arrange a meeting with an adult service social worker present to ensure that any care packages / plans developed are reflective both of your husbands needs and your need to safeguard the children from emotional abuse as their mother. Explain that you need both social workers / services to be on the same page
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Get your children and yourself to write down your feelings, like a letter, to their dad / husband about how the situation is making them feel, try and increase his awareness of the situation he is putting you in as the children.
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If you are highly concerned for your safety, speak to your children’s social worker around installation of ‘panic alarms’ and other resources to ensure that if it does ‘kick off’ you have an immediate emergency service response.
And to reassure you, if you are being clear and making it heard that your children are your primary concern and also highlighting why you may feel what is being asked of you is unreasonable (moving 100miles away) - they must at least try to meet you in the middle with suggestions / support services. However please be mindful when reading this, I dont know how bad your situation is in terms of the domestic abuse (as thats what it is) that is occurring.
However, if he is nice when professionals visit - sounds like he needs to develop a more appropriate response to dealing with the frustrations of living with MS. My own experience, I have back lash in terms of emotional frustrations / selfish behaviour traits / ianppropriate conversations - but this is not on a regular basis…
I hope you and your children get the support you need, feel free to drop me a private message if you wish to further discuss any of the points I have raised. I know this must be very hard for you, so I would also like to apologise if any of what I have said frustrates / upsets / angers you.
thanks for the information. i appreciate it.
That was diffecult for me. You have to balance things and understand everyone for you to help them.