Hi. I was diagnosed for almost a year now, but this is the first time that I have manage myself to write something at a forum, so this might be allot and confusing(!!!), but I have to get it out of me…
(sorry for missspells and stuffs, not easy sence english is´t my first language and that I´m crying…)
When I was diagnosed it came as a big chock I had never thought that it could be MS, I did “joust” have problems with my eye… Since then have I had a little problem with numbness but the most significant that I feel is that I easily get tired and sometimes having a hard time concentrating… Life feels kind of hopeless actually, I have sense earlier a blood disease that, joust before my MS diagnose, was stated as still existing but stabile, and I do most likely have at least one rheumatic illness… And as a effect of my first symptom of MS am I suffering from light-sensitivity in one of my eyes…
But even though al these physical stuffs that joust drags me down, do I also and maybe foremost feel that I have changed as a person, and this is really hard, especially since that I feel that my now 2½ year long relationship is affected.
Before my diagnose, I was certain of that he was the love of my life and that we would get married, have a house filled with dogs and catts and whatever and this was my big big dream, and I’m not that kind of person that usually thinks so, I am a pessimist out to my fingertips… and when I got my diagnose I felt that my bf was really supporting, and at lest he seamed to try to learn a bit about the disease and stuffs. After my diagnose I think that I went through a denial phase and after that a morning phase(that stills going on from time to time) and during this time was it al ok.
But now since May or something, when I found about that my medication didn´t work it like really hit me that this was reality and I cant escape it, and since that, my whole life plan has changed… I want to get out there and experience the world, feel romance and stuff, and I have tried to tell my bf this butt he doesn´t listen, he´s always like we can´t afford to travel (which we definitely can), and I don´t do romance etc… and it joust makes me feel so left out… Especially since he in the latest six months have made me sad, he has traveled on his own to visit friends, hi has goten a hangover both before we where suppose to go to a concert, so we missed it, and before my birthday that I had planned to be with the two of us, but that didn’t happens since he felt ill, and the worst thing is that he this time said to me that I was the one who didn´t understand and acted unreasonable to him and that he felt sick, and that he should remember that to the next time I was ill… (its not exactly that mine is self provided…)He have said that he was sorry for this statement and I believe that he is(he is not a bad pursen, he joust lacks abit of empathy thinking sometimes), but still, it stucks, and still hurts when i think of it… It feels like my relationship is dying… I still love him… but I want to do so much more than joust sit around at home, waiting for him when he´s at work, he works as a military so sometimes he’s away for days, weeks and might even be months… And I don’t know if I can handle that, I feel so alone, and when he eventually comes home, he just wants to relax, not help with household works since he´s tired, wish I can understand, but that it also my everyday life…
He will never ever be any kind of romantic, it even feels like sex is just about to come, and foremost for him… And I miss hot, passionate sex really bad, sometimes that is all I can think of, my bf is kind of vanilla sex kind of guy, but i have tried to both ask him and tell him about stuffs we could do that isn´t so different from regular sex, but he is not interested…
I do love him and I do definitely know that he loves me back, and I want to live with him, but I do also want to experience the good stuffs out there before it is to late, I´m only 22 but you never know how fast MS gets you and I don’t want to look back in 10-20 years and think, why didn´t I do that when I had the strength to do it… And my biggest fear is that I´m not shore that my bf understands that or that he will cope with my MS if it gets worse, curse I’m not sure that he truly understands what it means from his part, and my biggest fear is to be sick and left alone by my partner, I rader leave now and have the time and opportunity to find someone that might understand and bear it out than be left when I´m to sick to do anything about it.
Curse I truly don’t think that he understands, he has barely ever been sick, never felt like pain, never ever been depressed and he has almost no since of “living in another’s shoes”…
I´m so upset and confused… curse I love him and we have great times together and he supports me even though I´m not shore that he knows what he supports or comforting… and then it´s al of the other stuffs… I´m so sensitive and al bad things just get stuck, And I do also have an eager to run away every time some new bad thingies happens, just pack my bags and move, leave everything behind… Just because I’m sick, tired, hurt by my own body and lost…
Thank you if you manage to read it all, I´m not searching for a solution, just needed to get it al out, and maby I need some conforting, I don´t know anyone with MS, and my hometown dosn´t have any meating point and the forums online from my cuntry sucks…
And ones more, sorry for spell and confusing