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So upset! Really need a hug

Well the bubble has burst. As most of you know I told my parents on sunday about my partner being jewish. I wasn’t expecting them to accept him - in fact I was expecting it to be an argument. Suprisingly they seemed to accept it and met him. I was so happy and proud of the way my parents handled it. Even with the possibility of an MS diagnosis I felt happy knowing that everything else was falling into place.

They’ve now turned round and said they’re not happy. They’re not arguing but laying the guilt; you’re going to give us up for someone you’ve known for four years, I’m feeling really ill and dizzy after what you’ve told us, if anything happens to us its your fault, just marry somebody hindu we’ll give you money, leave you alone etc etc. Even my sister seems to have back tracked and is saying I don’t want my kids to be doing what you’re doing so I can’t support you.

I feel completely heart broken. It would have been better if they’d just said no when I told them. At least i was prepared for it. Now its like I had a glimpse of what it could have been like and its all been taken away. I’m upset they’re trying to manipulate me and make me feel guilty with their health. I could do that to them but haven’t. I wanted to shout and argue but haven’t I ended the conversation saying I don’t feel like talking right now. But now I don’t feel like talking to them tomorrow or the day after or the day after. I just know they’re going to try and persuade me and put the guilt on and I don’t think thats fair or right. It would be even worse if I went down in person to talk because all three of them would gang up on me. I don’t want to hurt them or upset them but can’t they see this perosn makes me happy and will look after me. Even if its a mistake - its my mistake to make.

The worse thing is they keep saying theyre trying to protect me when I could throw back into their face that my cousin under their roof was molesting me. But I haven’t as it was in the paast and bringing it up won’t change that it happened and would only ruin more lives.

My symptoms have been all over the place a bit since sunday and now this isnt helping matters. I just feel very upset and low. Partners trying to be there and giving suggestions but makes me feel even more bad. Marc did as much as he could to make them feel comfy and reassure them when he met them. I knew it wasn’t going to be plain sailing when we told them on sunday but to have it all accepted then taken away is more heart breaking.

Sorry for rambling. Just feeling quiet emotional at the mo.

Reemz

X

I am not surprised Reemz.

Bug hugs from me. It sounds like on top of your MS journey this has thrown up lots of painful memories.

I can’t tell you what to do, all I can tell you is that surviving the brain haem brought home to me in crystal clarrity that you only get one life and it is up to you how you live it. Fatigue is made 100% worse not just by physical stuff but by emotional stuff too. You have done nothing wrong in loving who you love. You are allowed to make your own decisions.

Look after yourself xxx

I am so sorry you are having to fight on so many fronts at the moment. I sounds as though you are in a place where living the life you want to live with the person you love is fundamentally incompatable with being a dutiful child within your parents’ narrow definition, and that must be a place of unbearable tension just at the moment, and incredibly raw and painful. I really feel for you. All I can say is that, when life seems to be broadcasting crap on all channels, all a person can do is to try to identify that part of her life that is calm and good, and from which she can draw strength and comfort, and retreat there for a bit to rest and regroup. Not all problems have a solution that will satisfy everyone, but most can be lived with, or at least worked around, in one way or another, even if carving out some kind of modus vivendi takes much time and much patience. Please do not break yourself on the rocks of your parents’ displeasure - you are on a hard road, and you need to protect yourself.

Thinking of you.

Alison

x

Hi Reemz, Ive been following your story as I usually read all the posts, so I understand a little of what your going through. I’m like ancient and had a few children myself and when the time came to spread their wings I wasnt too happy about it either but I did come round in the end, even though I was against it at first. I think alot of parents think that way because they think they are going to lose someone they love. They just need time to come to terms with the change and see it as a plus . Also you must be stressed out which is going to have an effect on your wellbeing so try to chilax and get some quality time with your man. Try to remember that time is a.great healer and things will get better. (((hugs))) Frank

Hi

I am really sorry to hear about your trials with your family.

Unfortunately, I have longstanding experience with such unnecessary nonsense.

I cannot control my family or my husband’s family. Both families are toxic, controlling, manipulative and vindictive full stop and this includes their behaviour and attitudes toward our relationship and particularly my condition. We have both tried for years to keep things friendly and to keep lines of communication open, which is exhausting and stressful because we are always walking on eggshells. In spite of this we receive the same toxic treatment from both families.

So, I learned to do what is best for me and my husband, that is putting each other first. It is perfectly possible for someone to not like the decision(s) that another has made but to still be civil, if they choose. I suppose I realised this is the key, if one chooses to be civil they can be civil. If one chooses anger and vindictiveness, there is little that can be done and this is more sad, wasteful and unnecessary than I can adequately convey.

I am sorry I cannot be of more help, my heart goes out to you. Please don’t miss any chance at happiness which you may regret later. Please try not to lash out at your family, though this would be understandable. Don’t accept what they are trying to do to you, you may consider telling them again you love your partner and reitertating you know how they feel so there is really no reason for any further destructive conversation about this subject.

Continue to be the mature and adult person. You will not regret it.

Sending lots and lots of hugs and support

Tu

Thank you so much for your support & advice.

Going through spells of feeling very tearful and then very numb at the moment.

I’ve always been a dutiful child which was difficult as my parents are much older and there is a 10 year gap between me and my 2 siblings. From the age of 11-18 at which point I left for Uni I hated home because despite the fact I tried to be a model daughter and worked very hard I was never given any space or freedom (I stayed at home and studied wasn’t allowed to wear certain things go out with friends or even go the library without being accompanied). My mother wouldn’t even let me shave my legs would you believe and because of that I bore the brunt of some bullying. But I was always a strong person and tried not to let it get the better of me. I promised myself once I left for uni that I’d never move back home and I didn’t. My relationship with my parents improved as they didn’t have control anymore though I’ve never been able to be my complete self.

I do love my parents despite the difficulties they caused me and have tried to meet somebody hindu but it just didn’t happen. I know Marc will never be their choice but I’m tired of having to give in to their choices. Marrying somebody is a decison that will affect my whole life and they can advise but they shouldn’t manipulate or try to decide for me - it’s my life as you guys said and I know Marc is the one and I won’t be giving him up.

@Frank I wish they’d reacted like this because they don’t want to lose me but saying we’ll give you all our money and won’t come to see you if you marry a hindu rather contradicts that.

Going to try and text them to keep in contact over the next few days. I think if I speak to them and they bring things up I’ll either get over emotional or angry and say something I’ll regret - neither of which I want to do. And that situation is going to make my health worse too. I feel so guilty but I have to think about me and if they can’t support now when I’m going through a ?MS diagnosis and have made the biggest decision of my life to be with someone that loves me and will then what does that say about them and their principals?

I will get through this as I am a strong person and have dealt with my fair share but sometimes its just tiring having to battle or be strong all the time when you’ve been having to do it most of your life. Sometimes you just need that hug or ear to listen and say we’re there and sorry you’re going through this so thank you so much all of you for doing that - I really do appreciate it.

Must stop now as I’m at work and can’t start crying but a genuine thank you.

Reemz

X

Oh dear…this is so sad…cultural backgrounds that will not bend are the cause of so many problems all over the world.

I hope things work out. Sounds like you may have to make some very difficult decisions. Go with your heart and good luck.

luv Pollx

Oh dear I’m so sorry it has turned so sour.

My ability with words has diminished to a point where all I can extend is a cyber hug,but I ditto the more skilfully worded responses.

Thinking of you.

Pip

((((big hugs))))

xx

Yes big hugs, and i’m sure given time they will get used to the situation - it often isn’t a generation gap but a chasm!

xx

Yes big hugs, and i’m sure given time they will get used to the situation - it often isn’t a generation gap but a chasm!

xx

Hey Reemz

Firstly ((((HUGS)))) for you.

Secondly, I learnt a long time ago that the saying ‘you cant please all the people all of the time’ is so true.

You need to put yourself first (sounds like you have been trying hard to please everyone and keep the peace) and your body will hopefully follow suit. Stress is obviously very bad for us all, but particularly for those of us suffering with our symptoms.

I am sorry your family cannot seem to accept your partner, and I really hope he is being supportive. If he is, and you love him, then who are they to say no. Tough I know to go against family (I was a good Catholic girl until I fell pregnant out of wedlock!) but they did learn to accept it and love all my children (I have four). If you love someone you cannot turn off your emotions just because someone has told you to. Only you can make that call Reemz, and I really hope you listen to your heart.

Very true saying about how you can choose your friends but not your family.

Give yourself a break Reemz and do what YOU think is right.

Lots of love. PM me any time Reemz. I can give you my phone number if you want to talk too.

Paula xxx

Oh dear Reemz You were so brave when you told them and so unsure of their reaction which at the time was a good one. I’m sorry for the conflict this has caused in your family and for your pain and anguish. This is very difficult for you all and I hope it resolves. Stick with your fella, he sounds like a good’un. Thinking of you, Teresaxx

(((((hugs))))) Reemz. This sucks

I can’t begin to understand the pressures of following your religion and all it entails, but I do know that all a parent can realistically hope for is that their daughters choose good, supportive, loving men. Your parents may be disappointed at the moment, but I really hope they can come to see that Marc is everything that you need, because ultimately that’s all that matters.

Karen x

Hi Reemz, I am so sorry for your troubles you sounded so happy after the initial meeting last week with your parents, you must feel like you have been kicked in the teeth. My daughter told me she was gay when she was 18, she is now 33 it has never altered my love for her and most of my family accepted it. Last year she married her partner in a civil ceremony which was absolutely beautiful they both wore wedding dresses and we all had a wonderful day. She and her partner are now the proud mums of my gorgeous grandson who was conceived by artificial insemination. This brought with it a few problems, whilst most people were fine about their relationship when George arrived there have been a few choice words uttered. I have managed to keep this to myself and my daughter and daughter in law are none the wiser but it has hurt me so much. Why are people so small minded and why can’t everyone just be happy for them. Life is too short, please do what you want to do and be happy!!! Good luck with your future and just be you. Karen x

Oh lovey, that’s not good, what stress for you. It’s so important isn’t it that parents like our partner and are happy for us. Not sure what to say really as nothing will help but know that I feel deeply for you and your situation xxxx

Hello Reemz xxx ditto all the above x it must be heartbreaking to be ton like this xxxxjenxxxx

Thank you to everyone who’s commented I don’t know what I’d do without the support, words of advice, stories and offers of PM. I’ve felt like I don’t know whether I’m coming or going the whole of today - just spells of bursting into tears. Reading your lovely comments has kept me going though I’ve needed a steady supply of tissues.

So proud of my other half - he even said I’ll go up alone and speak to them but I said its not the right thing.

I know I’m going to be a bit all over the place for the next few weeks with this hanging over so please bare with me. Feel really bad for bothering you all with my issues but then again I’m so thankful for your support. Its just nice to know I’m not a bad person for fighting to be with someone I love.

Reemz

X

No way are you a bad person Reemz. You don’t deliberately fall in love with someone to spite your family. This just happens. Stick to your guns - your choice is worth fighting for. Teresa xx

OK, let’s start with the big (((((HHUUURRGGG))))) Is there a good film that has this kind of situation you could watch with your parents to get over to them how old fashioned and selfish they’re being. East is East kinda rings a bell but I’m sure people on here could suggest others. Sounds like your fella’s being a real star for you. Don’t worry about posting, we all want to hear this work out for all of you. Mr S