And not bragging (unfortunately!)
Long background story as short as poss.
When I got my Dx (CIS with l’hermittes syndrome) I was put on Carbamazapine. After a couple of years when this really wasn’t working, it was changed to Gabapentin.
The Gabapentin caused me many major problems. It was changing everything (bad moods and real black moods, nastiness- road rage, wanting to seriously hurt people (I’m over 50!), loss of sex drive etc.) This was very slow at first due to being on a low dose. This is why no-one put the jigsaw puzzle of bad behaviour and all the other symptoms together.
It only became apparent when the dosage was increased as it wasn’t deadening the L’hermittes. Then the changes became very apparent as they were getting worse by the hour, I was just looking to start fights and not wanting nookie.
I’d always been quite highly sexed and active since about the time I joined up. Had bad moods, but never wanting to hurt people except under the stress towards the end of my marriage due to her alcoholism (I didn’t have CIS then.) Counselling and Al-Anon sorted me out with that and many other problems I had caused myself. That and as a single dad to disabled kiddies, well you’ve got to grow up and show a good example. Couldn’t afford trouble with the police/ courts; the SS would have had a field day with a single dad!
L’hermittes has caused the problem of numbness/ loss of feeling in my old boy. Since coming down with CIS my lady has had to reassure me that it isn’t going soft during; that she’s enjoying herself (I know she wouldn’t act) and that everything’s fine. We were still reasonably active quite a few times a week (or a day if my luck was in.)
Quite suddenly over the space of a few months on Gabapentin, I had lost my sex drive completely, losing the erection or feeling like it had, (same feelings as I originally had on Carbamazapine with numbness) and the will to even try. When we have made love, she says it’s still fine.
Yes, I believe her.
But now I’m too scared to even try and I do believe it’s pushing her away as she thinks I no longer love her/ want her. Couldn’t be further from the truth.
Really can’t work out for myself how to get over the cowardice.
Worried about letting her down, failing part way through and causing myself even bigger mental problems/ worries.
Catch 22 here. If I try and fail, I cause major problems. If I don’t try, i’m still causing major problems and possibly buggeringup my relationship
I do want to spend the rest of my life with her, even though I dread to think about her looking after me and wasting her life. She keeps telling me that’s her choice not mine (normal bloke- doesn’t listen properly)
My MS nurse has told me the same. She’s also impressed I can be open and honest. She’s also told me to listen to my responsible adult.
Thankfully she also changed the tablets to Pregabalin a few months ago (maybe 6 -8). Moods have really mellowed but…
Trouble is I have built a huge brick wall in my mind and I really don’t know how the f to knock it down.
So I thought I’d chuck the problem out there and see what all you good people can suggest.
Sorry this has been long winded and probably makes for confusing reading.
Many thanks for trying to decipher it