Hi everyone,
Hope you’re doing well. I wanted to talk about something that’s been on my mind and get your take on it.
So, you know how important it is for me to avoid stress, especially with my MS. I’m doing my best to keep things chill, but there’s this thing with my sister. She’s a doctor, so you’d think she gets that stress isn’t great for me.
But every time we video chat, she starts unloading about her messed-up marriage. It’s stressing me out big time and messing with my sleep. I’m stuck wondering if I should just put up with it or not.
I don’t think I can do much to help her from 2000 miles away, except maybe listen. And why should I let her problems make me sicker? I care about her, but I’m thinking I need to tell her to stop. I don’t want to get dragged into it. She might be better off talking to a counselor.
Should I address it with her, and am I selfish here?
What would you do in my shoes?
Thanks,
Maria
Ooh that’s a tough one! It’s good that she feels like she can confide in you but like you say it’s not good for your health and if it’s dominating conversation it doesn’t leave much else to talk about. It sounds like she is wanting you to tell her what to do which isn’t your job to and I always find situations like this can get sticky if she doesn’t like what she hears.
I guess you could try and gently steer the conversation away on to something else. She needs to really be taking to her husband and probably a counseller.
Hi Maria. My immediate response is : perhaps true to form as a man, I would probably start giving her my view including e.g asking her why she just doesn’t leave him, or what is she going to do about the marriage- marriage counselling, or telling her in so many words, that life is too short to waste on an unhappy marriage and she needs to think about herself. And yes, I would probably start sighing every time she talks about her unhappy marriage and drop decreasingly subtle hints that she should think about moving on.
On a related point, and forgive me for being so presumptive, it’s good that you have opened up about this. Don’t keep it bottled up to yourself.
As a medic, your sister should have learned a thing or two about how to offer an empathetic and supportive ear while maintaining the firm internal boundaries that protect a person from being depleted by exposure to a constant barrage of others’ distress. Maybe that’s something you could work on for yourself.