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opinions please?

Hello

what do you all think about if a a boyfriend (recently got together) isn’t interested in reading up anything about my MS please?

Just worried as could jut be using me?

thnx

He’s probably not using you, just probably doesn’t know that much about the disease and thinks it’s not something to worry about! I worried that when I was diagnosed recently my boyfriend seemed uninterested in this new disease I had to come to terms with, but I don’t think that’s the case, everyone has different ways of dealing with things, try talking to him about It and see what he says…if he really doesn’t care and you’re still feeling down about it at least then you know where you stand and can move on if you want and spend time looking for a decent guy that really cares about what you’re going through :slight_smile:

Hi MrH hasn’t read a single thing since I was diagnosed. He much prefers t take it as it comes and if he needs to ask anything, he asks me or a nurse or his doctor. Sometimes, for those who love us, too much knowledge is not always a good thing. And at the end of the day, text books tell us what “might” happen, not what will !! Ooh is that a bit of ignorance is bliss and denial creeping in there ?!!! Catherine Xx

Anons (…both of you!)

This thread asked for opinions, and my opinion is both of you need to look at your boyfriends a bit more closely.

If they’re aware that MS is a real part of the picture - they should want to learn more about the condition and understand how it could effect you, and support you whenever it’s needed. It’s called ‘caring’.

Let me ask both of you, what would you do if you were OK, but your boyfriend had MS ???

Dom

Hi

I don’t think he’s using you, he’s probably just in denial - not denial that you have MS, but rather denial about what MS could mean for you & him. When I was first diagnosed I didn’t want to read anything about MS, as I didn’t want to know about what could happen to me, or what my future may hold. It can be easy to say denial is bad, but I think it plays an important psychological/emotional role, helping to protect us until we’re ready to deal with a new reality. I reckon just give it time, and don’t try to force things on him too much.

Dan

As you’ve chosen to go anonymous, I can’t tell, but we had a near-identical post, some time ago, so if that happened to be you, and he’s still around, it looks like no, he’s not using you.

I don’t think whether he reads-up on MS or not is a reliable way to tell, in any case. Some people are naturally inclined to learn all they can, others wait for you to tell them.

I had a “best” friend (not boyfriend) who showed no interest whatsoever in learning about my illness, and kept coming out with dumb remarks, like: “Isn’t it lucky you’re unaffected?” (presumably because I don’t yet have any symptoms anyone can see). Unfortunately, this did, in effect, spell the end of our friendship, but I don’t see it as proof my friend was using me. She was simply as unlikely to research something as I was likely to. Whether that was because she assumed she’d get everything from me, if she ever needed to know it, I don’t know. But if she had taken the trouble, it might have avoided some of her incorrect assumptions, such as that somebody who looks alright IS alright, or that DMDs make people feel “loads better”, rather than simply trying to slow progression.

So it can be very difficult, when those close to us make no effort to find out anything. But equally, someone who spends hours reading up about mortality rates and worst-case-scenarios isn’t much of a confidence-booster either. My mother, for example, keeps asking me whether I’m losing my sight “yet”, as if that were inevitable! Why on earth would you pick some awful thing, and keep asking the person if it’s happened yet, as if they didn’t have enough to worry about!

So I think it can go both ways. Avoiding learning at all isn’t great, but neither is becoming morbidly obsessed with it.

I don’t think most chaps are planning a future together, when they first start seeing someone, so they may not think of health issues as any more relevant than joint finances, or how many children you will have. I don’t think the fact it often starts off as “just a fun thing” means there’s any deliberate intention to use, though.

Tina

x

Please donot be offended by this,but is it possible he’s Dyslexic and might struggle with reading something which may be very different from what might be considered his ‘comfort zone’?

Good luck,

Wb x

He might already know a bit about MS, some people do, I hadn’t the first clue when I was diagnosed, I don’t even directly know anyone with MS!

My husband came to both my neurology consults but has never read anything about it, other than the few snippets I tell him about. I know it’s not that he doesn’t care, he’s been incredible but I think he’s just as scared about the future as I am and I think it’s one of the reasons he doesn’t want to read up on it, he just wants to sort things out for us, ever practical - seriously, confront a man with a problem and he’ll just want to solve it :wink:

Unless he doen’t seem bothered about your emotional state, I wouldn’t worry too much. If there’s been a few tears and he’s comforted you then I think that counts as caring :slight_smile: And if he can’t “fix” you and make it better then it’s probably eating him up!

Sonia x

My hubby has not read anything as far as i know. I was dx 8 yrs ago. we have been married 19 yrs. My hubby has a different outlook to me. I like to know what my condition might throw at me but my hubby likes to ‘take each day as it comes’ and not worry about ‘what might happen in the future’. As Mrs H has said - ignorance is bliss and a little bit of denial as well!! He is a good husband and father so it really does not matter. He can see when i need help and when my ms is a problem and that is really what matters. Your boyfriends attitude does not mean he is using you or does not care but probably that he thinks a lot of you and that your ms is not such a big issue to him. He just wants to be with you - whether you have ms or not. Teresa.x

Mr Alison100 is with Mr H, Mr Nindancer and Mr Treek on this one. It’s a bloke thing. When a problem comes up, they solve it, but they don’t go chasing after trouble. Alison

Hiya

I don’t know if my partner has read up about MS and not told me that he did. I was already diagnosed when we met so he may have gone away and read up about it but my feeling is that he didn’t. He’s always taken an interest in my MS and will ask me about it but I don’t think he spent time reading all about it. He’s more concerned with how I am, he understands me and how MS affects me. He’s not that bothered about how it may or may not affect someone else.

Maybe your bloke is the same.

Sue

Hi again!

Firstly, I must apologise for maybe misusing the term ‘caring’ in my previous post - I meant that the boyfriends (…as far as I think, at least) should show some kind of interest in your physical circumstances …maybe not ‘read’ all about MS, but at least ask questions from time to time!

Hope that sounds a bit more reasonable?

Dom

(PS: Just curious as to why some folk choose to post anonymously when the content is neither personal or sensitive? )

Dom… Some people may go anon because they are new here and are a little scared or shy about posting. They may be new to forums in general and may want to ‘join in quietly’ until they get more confident. How can you say this post is not personal when it is about a personal relationship? The poster may even be scared in case her partner reads this. I started out on this forum just reading posts and ‘lurking’ and then progressed to joining in by contributing as ‘anon’ and now i don’t care what i reply to with my user name/avatar. It does not really matter…anon or not…as long as a fellow person with ms is getting help/advice from other sufferers. Teresa.x

Hi, my hubby never read up on MS in the days I was told I had it. Infact he got annoyed with me for googling the subject. he said I was delving too deeply and getting ideas which may not affect me. Right or wrong…I still did it.

But that shows how differently we deal with things. I am a searcher, he is a wait and see type of bloke.

As you havent been together long, maybe hes waiting for your relationship to grow (or not), or for you to tell him about how ms affects you.

pollxx

Mr Val never read up about it either. He dealt with problems as they arose and the rest of the time we just got on with life as best we could.

What can Mr Anon do about it if he does read up about it? The fact that he isn’t studying it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. And doesn’t mean he is using you.

Put MS on the back burner as much as you can and enjoy this relationship without analysing too much.

Me again.

Just wanted to add that although my hubby didnt want to read about MS, he did take me to appointments for the first 10 years. Then I went on my own and now my carer goes with me.

My choice, not hubby`s.

pollx

I posted anonymously in case someone were to se it as they’d clearly know it was me from my username and I didn’t want to offend my bf if he saw it. My bf is ver caring and is definitely concerned about my ms but like others have said he hasn’t felt the need to tea up on it! He can see what I’m going through! At first however I did worry purely from my own silly thoughts and I am naturally a worrier!

Hi Anon,

You said this is a new relationship so I really wouldn’t worry too much if he doesn’t want to read up on it, It definately doesn’t mean that he’s using you. It’s a heavy topic anyway and in a new relationship you should be more concerned about pink hearts and champayne, have a good time getting to know each other and if/when it turns into a serious thing(the relationship) then you can discuss it all then. It might be too scary for him to think about it just yet.

Speaking from personal experience when Dx it really freaked me out and I wouldn’t learn anything about it for a long time, my partner would have to read it and give me the edited version not to scare me further, but he has several members of his family who have disabilites and he’s carer to one of them so I guess he’s better prepared to deal with things like that than I am.

The beginning of a new relationship is a beautiful time, enjoy it, have fun and deal with things as they come.

Good wishes to you

BeckyX