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No Future?

Hi All,

I have never posted on here, but lurk occasionally. My mum has had MS since I was very young, I think around 2003? I am 21 now, and I am struggling so much with my caring responsibilities. My mum will not get help elsewhere, and it is extremely infuriating.

She had a fall this weekend and is refusing to go to the hospital, despite bashing her head badly. I work full-time and study, and I just can’t cope anymore. I am the only close family that she has.

The issue is, I have recently been given an offer to study at one of the top universities in the country and I am desperate to go. However, I can’t just leave my mum… is there any hope of a future when caring for someone with MS? Especially when they are so stubborn? I want to run away so badly, and live a ‘normal’ life.

This sounds really cruel, but do you have to have a conversation with your mum telling her that you really want to go to university now and that you will help her to arrange whatever care is required. You will need to be firm and have plenty suggestions about the possibilities of care for her. Tell her that you do love her but that you need a life of your own and will come to visit as often as possible.

Have you phoned your local Adult Social Care Team?? They will come to your home and do a carer’s assessment, and organise funding for care etc.,.

1 Like

Hello

Moirah is absolutely right. Caring for your mother shouldn’t be at the expense of your own life. As it is, you’ve lived most of your life with MS. There needs to be a time when your life and education get some attention.

As for your mother refusing to go to hospital with a head injury, I can understand that she doesn’t want to go to hospital, but it could be a serious problem that she’s ignoring.

Phoning the councils social care unit is a good idea. Perhaps you can get some help?

And really, take up your college place. You’ve worked for it and deserve to have a good future. One in which you don’t feel guilty about your mother. You absolutely shouldn’t.

Sue

Hi I know that if I had a chance of good job or training my dad who has passed away would tell me to live my life and take the opportunity that I had. This came true my nephew had the opportunity to work in Canada my dad said take it while h he did in 2017, my dad fell Ill not long after this, my nephew came back to visit him as he was very ill, he was with my mum and myself when he passed. He wanted to stay we told him to go to live his life the way he could. He went back to Canada about a week later. There was one thing that we did and that was to have a live lead to the funeral so that he could say goodbye he had the day off and we had the funeral as late as we could be because of the time difference 7 hours. I know that it’s different but I would never hold anyone back just because I didn’t want them to go. He is still there we talk by messenger when we can and write lots of e-mails. He is now thinking of staying there for good. You need to live the life that you can you don’t get to many opportunities in life grasp it. Kay

When I left home for university I struggled with a lot of guilt after leaving my mum who was diagnosed with RRMS since before I was born (1994 approximately) despite her having my dad to take care of her. I can imagine how hard it must be if you are her primary carer. One thing which I came to recognise after years of guilt and working with a counsellor to support me with my own mental health was that she wanted me to go on and live my best life doing what i aspired to do and that she wouldn’t resent me for moving away. For a long time our family struggled while she coped with her own depression which was a troubling time for all of us. From experience I would say that your mother would only want what was best for you. There is an incredibly large amount that can be done by any prospective university to assist a caregiver, there are also many people you can go to to seek impartial help on routes you can take for care (despite your mum being stubborn there are ways you can work together to find the best care), there are also a lot of people that can give you support once you enter university as an ex/current caregiver, particularly emotionally. It took me 2 years to admit that i needed help with my depression and anxiety when i was in university and the assistance that i got was incredibly useful. Reach out if you need it.