So, here’s a poser:
How the heck do you stay motivated when you’re 46, ill, and expecting to lose your job in the next 5 or 6 weeks (nothing to do with the ill-health)?
I can’t get motivated about my current job, because I don’t expect to be there next month. I’ve hardly any “real” work anyway, and it’s been that way since March. I think they already know who they want to get rid of, and it’s based mainly on experience and performance over the last couple of years (coincidentally, ALL the time I’ve been ill), so it’s far too late now to start pulling out all the stops to make a good impression. Not that I made a bad impression before, I don’t think. But you know what I mean - I don’t think even an outstanding piece of work or spectacular brainwave at this late stage would have any effect on what happens.
But worse than that, I can’t get motivated to look for another job either. I do occasionally engage in a bit of window-shopping on job sites, but just sit there thinking: “Couldn’t possibly do that”, “Not qualified for that”, “Would hate that”. I’m not seeing any that spur me to think: “Yes, I could do that! And it’s right up my street!”
I don’t seem to have any sense of urgency, even though I’m going to be left without income.
I just seem to have reached the stage of not giving a sh*t. I’m sure it’s only a matter of days before I know for sure what’s happening, and I can’t think I’ll somehow escape the axe. But I feel as if this wait is killing me slowly.
If I am named as one of those selected for redundancy (and it’s already been announced more than half my team will be), we then enter a further month during which I’m still supposed to try to find another job internally - even though I haven’t been able to since March.
And as if that’s not enough, they’re now talking about “allowing us” to work our notice - another three months - in the hope of redeploying to another job.
So in theory, I might have another four months, yet, of nothing proper to do, and looking for jobs that simply aren’t there. If they BORE me into resigning before then, I won’t get the money, so it’s simply not an option.
I think the less I have to do, the more exhausted I feel! There’s nothing more tiring and debilitating than feeling completely useless and unwanted. Work e-mails and phone calls are all tapering off, even though I supposedly still work there - albeit remotely, from home.
You’d think, with so much extra time on my hands, the house would at least by now be clean and spotless. But no, I can’t get motivated with that, either.
I was going to ask the rhetorical question: “What’s the matter with me?”
But I suppose MS, for a start.