Making choices, park home or sheltered advice please

Everyday living
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Hi i lost my beloved hubby last october but i managed to survive the year with my MS but it has progressed and i struggle now to do most things, where i could hoover i have no energy etc. I treat my MS with respect and look after myself, not sure why i bother but i do have 2 daughters 44 and 46 who i love dearly and grandchildren and they still all need me, so i want to be here for them.

i was moving a few months ago to a bungalow in my town but the sale folded a day before exchange.

this had a terrible effect on my health it took several months for me to contemplate moving again. why move you ask? I live in a very large 3 bed house with a massive area of garden. the front is divided in 2 areas, a garden with decking and a large area where you can park at least 5 cars. Out the back the garden is just as large and i just cant keep on top of everything, as well as maintaining the house. i just had to have new electric consumer unit, the flat roof needed replacing. it seems never ending. i have a gardener but it is only when he has time, and i sit there looking at weeds where only a few years ago i would have taken them out.

the house is expensive to keep warm too. so i need to down size.

Now i sold the house straight away and have found a lovely 2 bedroom park home but its about 7 miles from my town and my daughter has health issues and i am not sure how often i will see her although to be fair i dont see her much now. i am going to buy her a car so she has no excuse lol. beside it will get her out. my other daughter runs her own business and has a client close to the park home so can pop in. the home is lovely it has a nice easy maintained garden its lovely inside and i can take my dog and cat.

then i got offered a 1 bedroom sheltered flat in the town. i have to bid for it but i am still no 1. i know this flat my mother in law i got her a flat in the same place. its a well maintained and run shelter. they have lots of things to do there and are very encouraging. there is 247 help via a care line. the flat is very large nice size rooms and a brilliant shower wet room you can walk in. only down side is no garden but an area outside a patio door where you can sit and grass and lots of walking for the dog and behind is access to a big park.

Now i have to pay rent. I dont know what to do. my head wants me to move to the park home but my heart wants me to stay close to my daughter.

i have been here since 1991 and its going to be hard to move. its where i lived with hubby.

My head is spinning. i will still sell the house but i can live off the capital and even give my daughters some money. Or i can buy my park home, but still have a good chunk of money left over and start a new life for myself. if i didn’t have the MS i would have made my decision but my doctor wrote to the council supporting an application for sheltered as i have medical needs.

gulp i am just not sure what to do. I know it is ultimately my decision in the end. I have discussed it with all my family and they just tell me its up to you mum. Decisions decisions. why does having MS make things so complicated i can never make a decision anymore lol. I just need some friends right now to bash this around with. 2 of my friends died last year and my life long friend was rushed into hospital yesterday with a heart attack, so i cant discuss it with her now.

I was hoping as you are all in my situation with MS you might have a different slant on it, i know its my decision in the end. xx

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I sold my modest three bed house and bought a two bed Bungalow almost seven years ago, I am now in the process of buying a slightly bigger two bed Bungalow as my first decision was the wrong one. The only time I wish I had a partner/husband is when I have important decisions to make, you must find it so much worse as you have lost your beloved husband. Have you considered renting the sheltered initially? if it didn’t work out you could then look for somewhere to buy closer to where you want to be. Best wishes Jan x

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Actually that is not a bad idea Jan i never thought of that no. its just at the moment there is nothing to buy that i can afford hence i was looking at a park home. you have given me something to think about thanks. no one else has actually suggested that. xx thanks. yes it is hard i find just getting out of bed hard if it wasnt for my animals i dont think i would bother but i know my hubby would not want me to take that stand. xxx

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I think I’d go for the sheltered accom. Might seem like a big change, but you have to think of the future. You would be nearer facilities…daughter? shops? drs? etc. There would be ppl around in the other flats - poss make new friends? And you’ll be surprised what you can grow in pots and hanging baskets. Better to have wetroom. Less cleaning, gardening and on call help. Janhhh makes a good point. you could go with the sheltered for now. OK you are gonna have to down size STUFF but that no bad thing. Be ruthless. Get rid of stuff you don’t use, havent worn etc. If your present furniture is too big, sell and buy smaller. We moved into a 2 bed bungalow a year ago. Needed 2nd bed for partners home dialysis. No regrets.

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Hi CC

My first thought was to take the sheltered flat for now, give yourself a good bit of time to see what you do and don’t like about it. Then you can make a different choice if necessary later on. So keep as much money as you’ll need to buy for eg a bungalow a flat or a park home. It’s an excellent way of making a move without it costing an arm and a leg, only to find you’re not comfortable or it’s just not the right move for you.

You made a comment the other day that you’re not certain you’d be able to use a wheelchair indoors in the park home. Maybe that’s not vital right now, but would it be later? And is there somewhere to park a scooter in the sheltered flat?

So many things to think about. (Make a list of pros and cons for each? Toss a coin - if you feel disappointed with the result, then you’ll know what your heart is telling you!)

All the things to consider are quite apart from the emotional issue of leaving your home after so long. And it being the one you bought and shared with your beloved husband, it will be a massive move emotionally.

OMG, I just thought of all the work involved in downsizing to that extent. Now that would frighten me at the first thought. I do hope you have lots of help from your daughters and friends.

Best of luck with the decision. You know you can keep on mulling it over on here, we’ll keep thinking of new aspects - there are so many of us and most with opinions about what we’d do. I know I’ve thought about it.

Sue x

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CC - yes quite a dilemma.

Wonder if you feel you’re not disabled enough for the one bedroom flat and if you take it you will become ‘more disabled’ because you can ‘give in.’ If that’s the case then you want to buy the 2 bedroom place. (Not explaining this very well - and may have got hold of the wrong end of the stick!)

Another thing to consider - you will have a pile of money from the sale of your house - if one day you go into a care home you will have to pay for your care - and your family may miss out. You could buy a property and put it in your daughters names and pay them a peppercorn rent - or put the money in a joint account with them. They would then inherit the property eventually. This is quite a minefield and if you consider this you need proper advice.

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Hi Krakowian, yes you have hit the nail on the head. I feel scared to be honest to go into a sheltered accommodation reminds me of the t.v. programme WAITING FOR GOD. when my MIL was in there although i loved her flat i saw her care workers she went from a mild stroke doing things for herself to totally dependant on them, and she wasn’t that disabled if you get me. she just gave up.

the other worry is the dog. she does sometimes get me up at night and i wont have a garden.

I like the idea as its near my home and my family but then on reflection the park home i like is only 5 miles away. i think what worries me about the park home is moving away from what i am used too. i have been here for a long time and its like a safety net.

BUT no your right, i said to a friend yesterday i am only 67, my brain says i am 21, i have MS. If i didnt have MS i wouldnt even sell my house, i love it. its only the disability of the MS which is driving me.

also about the money i have thought about it, and will be giving my daughters some.

thanks its going to be a tough decision for me. I am still number 1 for the flat. its like that programme WHERE CALLS THE HEART…

that will be the decider i think. thanks.

this is the park home. its chain free. http://www.locationproperty.net/property.php?pid=4692313

THANKS TO EVERYONE who has taken the time to answer this i really appreciate it. xxxxx have a lovely sunday. xxxxx

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Hi Crazy Chick,

Started typing a reply yesterday and got quite upset. Similar position to you. Live on my own in large house, been here 24 years. SPMS making stairs difficult and dangerous. House is on the market and I’m not looking forward to the next stage. Having to get rid of so many memories and possessions to downsize.

Whatever your decision we must stay strong.

Jen x

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What you need is a modern house - smaller than the one you’re in with a conservatory. If a wet room is eventually needed the conservatory can be converted. And put the house in your daughters names so that they’ll definitely get it one day.

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Hi jen its hard isnt it. i had already been packed and ready to go earlier this year. i was buying the perfect 1 bed bungalow with a nice small garden. I had stripped down the house already and given away all the stuff to family that belonged to my mum and dad, and my husbands cups he won driving i gave a lot to his family but kept a few. so i was packed and ready to go. 1 day before exchange the buyers buyer pulled out. it was devastating, and i lost my bungalow as my seller wouldn’t wait for another chain.

i have a stair lift so that isnt an issue. its the overall size of the house so much to upkeep, and the garden is huge. the house costs a lot to keep warm too, and i rattle around in it. i have conservatory as well. I love my house like you i know it will be hard to leave, but one consolation is we were both leaving it. mike had gone off to IOW to check on bungalows there as we wanted to live there. he came back on thursday and died in my arms on the tuesday morning. the shock was just incredible. i know its going to be hard for me.

you might be able to get a grant for a stair lift. I only paid 1,000 for mine, as a chap who lives 3 doors away lost his wife to COPD and he wanted to get rid of the stair lift. we contacted the stair lift people, and they checked it would fit and it did, and charged me 1,000 as they had to adjust and add some bits, and also it included taking the stair lift out which i paid for.

It works great. there are companies out there too where if you have a straight stair you can rent them out rather then buy.

No its the overall size of the house i rattle in and the garden is just too big. I am paying out money for maintenance all the time, as it was built in 1951. just had to have the electrical consumer unit replaced. its always something.

if you want to chat send me a pm. xxxxx

I think it will be the park home. I was up in the night with bladder issues again, and my dog decided she needed to go and eat grass and was in the garden for over 20 minutes. as i sat in the dark i thought to myself how on earth will i cope with this in a flat with no garden. It wont be practicable to me. the park home has a garden, even then i shall have to get it changed to grass. she is a jack russell and it seems to be a JR thing this eating grass as my friends does it all the time so do my daughters. I cant part with her, she is the only reason why i get up.

i will go see the flat then decide from there. xxxxxxxxxxx again thank you for all your support. it means a lot to me. xxxxxxxx

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Hi i have looked hun but where i live they are a ridiculous price and it would leave me no safe money to keep for a rainy day.

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I’m sure you will choose wisely. What I had to think was MS is progressive, I WILL get worse over time - and that isn’t “giving up”. The number of things i really can’t do and need help with or pay help for, is a list that gets longer. Its frustrating but true.

With my wheelchair I can zoot about for a mile or 2. I can’t drive so 5 miles seems a long way to me.

House? Thats great advice krakvian, till you really can’t manage stairs or you are so slow you wet yourself trying to get to the loo. Think - where will I be in 5 years? 10? and will I have money and umph to move AGAIN. My answer was no and took this bungalow when offered. My knees say thank you every day.

Memories are in the head and heart, down sizing is hard but ask yourself - have I worn it, read it, used it etc in the last year? If not…well why hang on to it?

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Hi my parents moved from a bungalow to a sheltered flat with no garden. This was not the right move for them as they had a small dog and it meant constantly walking the dog for toilet purposes. I tried engaging a dog walker for them (I lived ninety miles away) but Mum used to fire them for taking the dog out against his will. Sadly she had dementia. When they were living in the bungalow they simply had to open the door and let the dog into the garden. They found life so difficult with the dog in the flat that they had to rehome him. He came to live with me and my Mum was heartbroken.

Think carefully before you make such a big move. Is it likely that another small bungalow will come up for sale in your immediate area? I need to move from a house into a bungalow but at the moment nothing is coming up for sale in my price range. I need a small garden as I have a small dog and an elderly cat.

Best of luck with your decision. Sue x

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hi yes it is a dilemma for me really. the flat is perfect i know the style as my mother in law was in one before she died. its a downstairs flat so i could really pop her out onto the communal garden but its not the same. as she will occasionally have me up in the night for her grass eating. never understood why she has to do that she is never sick nor has she a funny poo at the time.

i had the perfect bungalow. i have been looking for months everything is too expensive. you can buy with a discount through that home buyers scheme for the over sixties but it makes me nervous.

i love the park home its not that far from my town. its just leaving the town i am used too i suppose. anyway i am still number 1 for the flat. if i win it, i dont have to take it. i will go and have a look and weigh up the options. my dog is my life she is important to me. without her i wouldn’t be here now. where i go she goes. I thought too with a park home its a community anyway.

I dont know it makes my head spin. one lot of my family are pushing me to take the flat and others say take the mobile home.

the park home is just perfect nice and big inside.

well tomorrow we shall see if i win it or not, and when i see it i will know.

my dog would never go out with anyone. we have tried that she simply refuses. even people she knows she wont leave me.

I have an elderly cat too she is 17.

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I think you will get ‘that feeling its right,feeling’ when you walk into them.I know straight away if a place is right for me as soon as i step over the threshold.Good luck i know how daunting it is for you.

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UPDATE. well that was a total waste of time and stress.

all week i was ranked number 1. the bidding is closed wednesday morning, so tuesday before i went upstairs i checked and i was ranked 2.

wednesday when the bidding was closed it showed i was ranked EIGHT, SO NOT sure what happened there. so all that worry over nothing.

still i am glad someone got the flat and hope they will be happy there.

so its now waiting for the park home to do something and my buyers solicitors to answer any queries on the contract. maybe this time the sale will go through, if not then i am staying put.

i couldnt go through with this again.

thanks for all your help and advice.

i had decided against the flat anyway as it was simply not practical with a dog with no garden, but then i may have worked around it as i do feel i would be safer in sheltered.

why is it having MS makes us so indecisive…anyone?

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I think we’re indecisive because we don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I know that applies to everyone, but more to us than most. Also, you perhaps feel more anxious about your decision because you are making it on your own. Possibly the first time in years, if ever, that you’ve made such a big move alone.

If you think you’d feel safer in sheltered housing, have you looked for a bungalow in one of the sheltered housing places close to where you want to live? I know that where I live (one of gods waiting rooms on the South Coast!), we are absolutely spoilt rotten for sheltered accommodation, many of them have either ground floor flats with direct access to the communal gardens, or small bungalows, even some with tiny gardens of their own. I visited the woman we bought our house from in a small bungalow within a sheltered scheme, it was lovely.

Park homes do have their own communities, so you’d probably feel safe there as there would always be people around you. My feeling (if it were me in your situation) is that purpose built accommodation with built in safeguards, like call bells and managers/wardens might be a better option if you could find the right place that’ll suit you and your pets.

I hope you’re finding the process easier, having us lot to discuss it with as well as your family CC, it’s so hard to do alone.

Sue

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