I am so angry today I just Realy feel like I need to put this down someway- verbalise it one way or another or I might burst ! 18 months of smiling and telling myself to make the most of what I have got, to be grateful rather then focus on the negative.
Well tonight iv had enough, I shouldn’t have t be grateful I shouldn’t have to consider myself lucky for what I do have, I worked bloody hard to be where I am: it may not be much but after 4 years of working nightshifts, heading home taking my kids to school then heading to uni and learning to drive all at the same time burying my parents and grandparents and “staying strong” standing alone.
And then I get this stupid disease- and of course I’m grateful that it’s unlikely to kill me and il still be around for my kids but hell man it’s the most pathetic disease ever! What’s the symptoms: Ahh pretty much anything and everything you can think of ! Will it progress fast or leave you in a poor state: no idea.
And I can’t even complain because I hide it from every one threw embarrassment and shame I mean how daft I must sound when my biggest complaint of the day is that the nerves in my bum keep vibrating or that my calfs literally won’t bend then Im ashamed the next day if I’m fine because now I look like a liar, how can you be soo Ill one day and then perfectly fine the next ???
I know people will thank that, I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT once upon time. And for the two people that do know, they often tell me don’t waste today worrying about the future youl be fine. Six months iv never uttered the word Ms or any of its symptoms, what the point ! Tonight I’m feeling so angry and I know all the right things to say, I tell my patients it myself and I even normaly believe it myself but tonight its all gone to scrap, I’m not considering myself lucky I refuse to think positive and I’m certainly not going to "make the best of a bad situation.
Tonight I will accept it for what it is - it’s crap it’s unfair and it’s damn rite doing my head in. I’m not even 30 iv struggled and worked so hard for years il be damned if I’m going to let MS walk in and make me look like a victim making the best of life. It’s going to have to become secondary because I just don’t have time to hide it or include it either way !