Hi
Im new here. Iv been a carer for my husband who has RRMS. Hes been told he has new lesions on his brain. He isnt coping well but takes all the anger and frustration out on me. If I give any opinion on anything he gets angry and starts being really nasty. Its hard to differentiate if its the MS or his own personality. Lately hel say he feels really bad and has numbness then within a few seconds he will start hoovering and cleaning. Im not doubting his symptoms but its very confusing for me as im also not sure if he is exaggerating them at times. I mentioned i need to go back to work for my own mental health and start doing things for myself too..his response was “you’re neglecting me im really bad with my MS You want to live your own life and be independent” its a constant battle. I have three young children and they’ve witnessed his outbursts and anger and the way he speaks to me. I have to put them first and myself too.am I being selfish??
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Wish I had an easy answer for you, as my wife will say I do and say similar stuff.
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it is hard for your husband and his self worth is near enough non existent. I know that is how I feel.
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I hate folk telling me x and y about my MS. Yeah, like we don’t know that or have not tried or spoke to our MS nurse already. Dr google has a lot to answer for.
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the emotional black mail he is doing is not on, or that is what you are portraying in any case. My guess is he is petrified but won’t admit it.
I can only conclude that his outbursts are not at you but at himself.
Only thing I can suggest is that you and your husband have a clear the air chat with each other. Now, I would suggest in not talking over him, my wife does that to ne and it frustrates the hell out of me as? Oh yeah brainfog.
So give him 5 minutes with no interruption and he gives you 5 minutes with no interruption. The pair if you might be able to see a wee bit more clearly where the pair of you are coming from.
I hope this helps you and your husband. Wee trick I learned from a Councillor was listen and don’t automatically go into the parent mode I.E I am right you are wrong and here is why. Its tough I still trying not to be the fireball in my own marriage lol.
Typing this out has been therapeutic for myself in where I can stop being the problem. Some times you and or your husband can’t see the wood for the trees.
Best of luck
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Hi there from a 19 years since diagnosis married man. For what it’s worth I don’t think that you are being at all selfish and it’s perfectly understandable that you feel hurt and let down by your husband’s behaviour. MS is the pits and does cause a lot of frustration and despair but lashing out at others isn’t going to help one bit Nor is it acceptable
Is there anyone who can talk with your husband about how he is feeling and behaving? Also someone who can help him come to terms with his condition and deal with his feelings. One thing he most certainly needs to know is that getting angry etc is just going to make his MS worse so if no other reason than that he does need to find ways of relaxing and keeping his mind and emotions calm .
Hi paul
He refuses to see or speak.to anyone. He wont have any more treatment. Which is his choice. He nit picks and wants a fight over silly and petty things. When we try clearing the air I never ever interrupt him yet everytime I speak he is constantly interrupting and wont let me get a word in. Respite for me would be going bk into work and taking that time out. ..(as he says we are around each other too much..) but makes zero effort to try and do a part time job or anything. Yes I know ms is hard and debilitating..but so many out there want a better life or course of life.
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This must be really hard to deal with. I myself have rrms, on dmt and take sertraline which is a game changer. I have good days and bad days like anybody but I don’t have outbursts. I’m glad for that really as my husband and kids are great at understanding when I feel everything is too much, nor would I want them to stop their activities. Mental health is so important and your important too. You need to focus on you and your kids to be able to function and help everyone else.
It sounds to me he is wrongly using his health to blackmail and gaslight you. It’s hard to not let the ones we love and care about not to emotionally hurt us when they say something that does exactly that. We can’t control their emotions, only our own. I’ve learnt (and still learning) to stop taking on other people’s emotions like it’s my responsibility. You can still be kind and caring but have that boundary to protect your own mental health.
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It’s a hell of a place to be and by that I mean for you as well as him. I wish there was a magic wand I could wave to rectify this but there isn’t one. Much to my annoyance else i would cure my MS. Your husband has MS yes, but thebpair of you are suffering because of it. Have you tried talking to his doctor to see if there is anything out there for you? I only say this as I have heard that there is carer charities out there? I rent know where you live but as I am signed off, much to my annoyance, I was given a number for carers charity in Argyll and Bute
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