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Friend dreamt I'd died!

Just had a text from a friend/former friend, whatever - definitely on the B list since she showed a complete incapacity to relate to my situation (talking about “light and the end of the tunnel” and “a glittering new career” when I lost my job at 46, with MS - and asking, of all things, if I was having a nice Summer!)

Anyway, apparently, her reason for texting is she dreamed I had died! Should I be touched she thought about me enough to dream of me, although relations between us have cooled, or is this one thought she should have kept to herself? I’m not quite sure how I feel about people texting me to check I haven’t died. It goes from the sublime to the ridiculous, doesn’t it? The reason we fell out in the first place was she had a totally Pollyanna-ish view of what the rest of my life was going to be like (think she imagined a jetset lifestyle and quaffing Champagne - absolutely unaffected by MS)

Now it goes completely the other way, and she’s revealed her subconscious thought was I might have died. Not sure that’s a morale boost.

I feel a bit sh*t, but never thought of myself as at death’s door. Now I’m beginning to wonder if that’s how others see me. :frowning:

Tina

x

Tina,

That’s like getting a text from the grim reaper himself. Knock her name off your christmas card list at once!

l think you need to start quaffing some champagne right now.

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I think you’re right! In her place, I might have txted for peace of mind, but I would NOT have let on I dreamt anything bad happened to them - that’s hardly a morale booster for anyone, is it?

I think I would have said something like: “I know it’s been a while, but I was thinking of you today”, and NOT suggested it was related to a dream, premonition or whatever of anything bad.

I’m not superstitious, but even I can’t help feeling a bit spooked now. MS is unpredictable at the best of times - it’s bound to make us anxious if a friend admits to feeling something dreadful had happened! It’s a bit thoughtless to tell someone who is ill that you thought that, isn’t it?

“Sorry it’s a bit random, but just wondering how you are” might have seemed odd, but a lot less spooky. I don’t think I needed to know she saw something bad. :frowning:

T.

x

What a stupid, uncaring thing to tell you.

I’d ditch her without a second thought.

Of course, you could always send a reply in kind…

Ben

Hi Ben,

The odd thing is that she’s as soft and sentimental as anything - if you met her, you certainly wouldn’t accuse her of being “uncaring”.

But I do wonder if she’s all that bright, at times. I think her concern is genuine, and she felt an overwhelming urge to check, but didn’t stop to think: “Better be careful how I phrase this, or I’ll give her the heebie jeebies!”

More has come out - apparently she saw a TV programme recently about “a woman with MS”, so I’m guessing it probably has to do with Debbie Purdy, or something like that. Not sure there’s been much else on lately about MS, has there - or has it featured in a drama of some kind?

If it’s indeed Debbie Purdy, that exemplifies my fears about what her case said to the uneducated masses about MS. Says it all if I’m getting txts to check I haven’t died, because that’s the picture it gave of us!

Tina

tina

i was going to email you privately but no-i will put it out there in the hope it settles more than you!

my understanding of dreams albeit limited is that they are symbolic more than anything. for example so am thinking dreams of pregnancy is not about babies but of new beginnings which could be work/job/personal.

dreaming of death tells more of the person who is dreaming-not the subject of their dream. so to me this dream says that ur friend is ‘trapped’ in some area of her life needing to confront some of her realities.

hope that hasnt caused u further confusion! but if someone told me that they had that dream about me then i would ask them if they wanted to discuss what was really bothering them!

take care, ellie x

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Have you tried educating her? A link to some info on the 'net perhaps; a few leaflets in the post; a damn good chat over tea and cakes - or a bottle of your favourite?

I haven’t seen MS in any TV dramas recently, but it could have been, there are so many channels to watch these days.

I think Debbie Purdy’s story did give some folk the wrong picture, but I blame the media for that, not the lady herself.

Sadly, I’m sure it isn’t just MS that isn’t widely understood, it’s probably most conditions. I recently heard of someone I used to work with being diagnosed with Motor Neuron Disease, and I have to admit I needed to read up about it - I knew almost nothing. We can’t know about all conditions, but we can do a damn sight better job than your friend, or former friend. As you say, she could have contacted you on any pretext.

Ben

Hi Tina

You should send her a text back saying, yes I have popped my clogs and God has lent me his phone just so I could get back to you. Thanks for your concern

That is a friend you can do without. Dreams are personal to the person…simple as that

xx

Ellie,

I quite agree it has more to do with the state of mind of the dreamer. I don’t believe in dreams as prophecy, although it’s still not a positive thing that a friend “thought” you had died - and certainly not a very uplifting thing for them to share with you.

One thing I didn’t mention is it’s not the first time she’s done it. The first time was before I was ill - or at least before the penny dropped I might be - she told me then, too!

I could ask her what is the “real” problem, but I think I’ve enough to contend with, without trying to psycho-analyse others.

I don’t think she ever coped very well with my diagnosis - less well than I did - and I think her childish pretence that nothing would change, and the world was my oyster was partly a way to protect her, more than me. So at the back of her mind, it might be that her attempts to convince me - and herself - that it really wasn’t a big deal are starting to show the cracks. Obviously, for all her talk of “glittering new careers” and a fantastic future ahead, there must be some part of her that does appreciate the seriousness - and perhaps even that an illness like this might, in rare circumstances, be life-limiting.

I also wonder if she is sensing the loss of the friendship, but really, that was her own silly fault. I needed someone who would at least try to acknowledge how I was feeling (I know nobody who doesn’t have MS can truly understand), but I think she thought the way to stay positive about it was just to act as if nothing had happened!

She has “form” for that kind of approach. When I told her I was going to lose my dad (it was confirmed; doctors had told him it was terminal), her reaction was: “Oh, but you mustn’t worry; doctors will fix him up as right as rain, won’t they?”

That is NOT a helpful response to someone who’s having to confront the certain knowledge they will lose a parent - that he has something that’s not survivable. So it’s a strange business - almost as if she’s never grown up; never learnt to face the nasty things in life. She’d rather pretend they just aren’t there.

Don’t get me wrong - I DO think positive attitude is hugely important, but I think it consists of making the best of a bad situation, NOT believing the impossible - e.g. that terminal cancer can be “fixed up”.

It was just the same when I was being diagnosed too. I didn’t say much until it was confirmed I had both brain and spinal cord lesions, and then I began to raise the prospect it was looking like MS. She said: “Oh, you mustn’t worry, I’m sure it’s nothing!”

That’s just nonsense. I was telling her something had already been found that obviously wasn’t normal. I’m sure, even if it hadn’t been MS, having six brain lesions and a couple of spinal lesions wouldn’t have been “nothing”. What hope is there, when you tell someone: “They found lesions in my brain!”, and they reply: “Oh, I’m sure it’s nothing!”? Also, the week I was diagnosed, she totally ignored my diagnosis, and asked instead about my cold - which I happened to have too, but which was well down my list of health concerns! Just selectiveness blindness to facts she wouldn’t like.

It reminds me of Zaphod Beeblebrox’s glasses (dunno if you’re a Hitchiker’s fan?) which automatically turned black at the first hint of danger, to prevent you seeing anything that might alarm you. I think my friend must have a pair of those" “Might not like it? Just don’t see it then!”

Tina

x

Lucky you, Tina - your friend has offered to you on a plate the rare chance to say, ‘Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.’

Alison

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hi tina

i was trying to think of some reply you could send to her but alison’s is perfect!

please send it! or take out a small ad in the local paper “tina …(insert surname)… would like you to know that reports of her death have been greatly exaggerated”

have fun with it tina because we should take every opportunity.

carole x

Believe me, it crossed my mind - and as a title for this topic! At least you’d have got it - probably wasted on my friend, though. Shouldn’t think she’s read much Twain - or even about him.

I just replied: “Well, of course I’m not ‘fine’, but not any worse than usual, that I know of…”, which I suppose was a bit lacking in creativity.

(I have had genuine occasion to say: “Do you know the way to San Jose?” - not Twain, and not to the same friend of course, but thinking of rare opportunities to appropriate a famous phrase.)

Tina

x

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