The novel “Fifty Shades Of Gray” has seduced women - and baffled blokes.
Now a spoof," Fifty Sheds Of Grey", offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of his garden. Here are some extracts…
Fifty Sheds Of Grey
We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall…
but in the end we came to the same conclusion, the bottom of the garden was the only place for a garden shed.
She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”
So I took her to McDonalds.
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other Welly.
Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to break into the shed, though.
“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”
“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the capital of Nicaragua?”
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
“I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.
“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got cellulite and no dress sense.”
“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.”
She nodded. “Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.
“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.