feeling angry and bitter

Everyday living
1

hello

I’m sorry to be posting such a miserable message but I am feeling really low at the moment and would really appreciate any advice on how to "snap out of it " and try to see a more positive future.

I have finally been given ill health retirement and although I have not been at work for a year now it’s still been so sad to think that it is all over. The doctor at occupational health seemed sure that once I had finished work I would be more relaxed and feel better about things but I am just feeling so bitter about losing my job and so angry with everyone who is just carrying on as normal. I know it’s not their fault that I have MS but I feel that everyone has just forgotten that I am even here any more and I am so angry at this illness for putting me in this postion and so bitter that no one seems to care.

I know I can’t have my health back but I would really like to have some kind of happy feelings back ! I used to be a happy jolly person who was fun to know- I don’t want to let this bitterness take over and turn me into a sad and miserable person with no friends. I’ve been on antidepressants for 6 months now and I haven’t noticed any difference so I don’t know which way to go now.

thank you for any advice

Judy

x

2

Hi Judy

Cant give you any advice just empathy! I took early medical retirement not so long ago; im 33 and feel like thats it, nothing to offer & certainly not a member of society thats of any worth!

Totally understand that the world keeps on turning for others while i seem to be standing still but hope things improve for you, maybe counselling? Easier said than done but its important not to slide too far into depression if that makes sense?

Hopefully somebody will come up with some advice but thinking of you…take as much support from this forum as you can get xxx

3

I reckon you need to find something which you like and are good at. Once you’ve identified something get into it and see where it takes you.

Wb

4

Morning,sorry you’re feeling down, I think we all felt the same when we could no longer work, I know I did, loved my job and the people I worked with, and yes it did take time to get over, I kept thinking, well maybe I could do something different from the job I was doing, do less hours, but all that wouldn’t have made any difference to the MS, and the fatique, Wb is right you slowly want to start to look at other things you can do, groups you can join, for me it’s very important to be with other people, I go to a exercise class through the Pals group, it keeps things going, and I’m with other people, I’m starting a Spanish class in Sept, through an organisation called U3A, low cost courses and activities, they run things up and down the country, they have a web site, have meet people through the local MS group, and then have found things to do at home when I can’t get out, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to learn to do things differently,BUT YOU CAN, so come on the first step is the hardest, but you can do it, take good care, and enjoy you’re day, Love Jean x

5

I can identify with what you say,Judy. I too had to take ill health retirement and just as you describe, everyone seems to be moving on with their lives and forgetting about me. It might sound harsh but I pretty much hate everyone I know apart from my husband, children and their partners. So many people have let me down, hurt me and treated me badly. None of them want to inconvenience themselves to help me or even listen to me. I have cut or reduced contact with them in order to save myself further hurt and stress. I feel angry that I am ill, when I am a good person who always put others first, while they are selfish and ignorant and healthy!

But at the same time I understand this is how life is and bad things happen to good people and vice versa. I try to concentrate on my loved ones and remember that in so many ways I am lucky.

It’s hard to feel a worthwhile, useful person who can make any impact on the world when you can’t work anymore - I looked into volunteering but nothing was feasible for me as I don’t drive. I hope someone can suggest something. I would love to feel I am contributing to society in some way and making the world a better place.

6

Dear Judy,

Have you tried a holiday (in the sun) and maybe Lanzarote with a warm breeze (if the heat affects you). I’m just away myself (tomorrow) after 13+ years of MS and quite a few months on anti-depressants. It’ll be my ninth time to Lanzarote (because of the warm breeze) - I’m looking forward to it! Once there, I find it too warm to be miserable and the sun will be good after all the ‘frigging’ rain that we have had this summer! Scotland is a nice country to come from but the weather leaves much to be desired!! I know that too much sun may be boring but it is more than welcome anytime during the year!!! Yes, I have MS but my own doctor went abroad and got a sun tan a good advert for ‘feeling good’. Please cheer yourself up Judy - I’ll speak again when I come back!!

Love Marcus. xxx.

7

I agree Marcus, holidays are fantastic for making you feel better - I had a week in Egypt this year for my 40th and it was wonderful. The dry heat suits me, and we stayed at an all-inclusive hotel where I didn’t have to lift a finger. I took my Luggie scooter on the plane and it was fantastic - I couldn’t have managed without it.

However, all this costs money and money is a problem for many MS sufferers - myself included to an extent, since the DWP decided to stop my ESA because of the 12 month rule. We need holidays to help us feel ‘normal’ and that life can still be enjoyable. Families would do well to chip in and help with looking after the kids etc so MSers can have a holiday. I’m lucky my husband works and my Mom bought my Luggie for me and helped with our kids when we were away. I know others are not so fortunate.

8

I believe that you are correct, Perky (if that is your name?). Thanks. I have never been to Egypt but I wouldn’t mind going. My wife (as a catholic - who believes that she gets everything) has been all around the world - she’s not rich but you are right about MS and money - I’ll use that as ‘thoughts’ (if I remember) while I am ‘sunbathing’ (at least you don’t have to move while you are sunbathing). It is hard to afford a holiday but as the old phrase says - ‘you are a long time, DEAD!’)

Marcus. x.

9

Hi Judy, I don’t think I can give you much advice, but I can identify with everything you’re saying. I had to take ill-health retirement when I 32, 10 years ago. I have lost friends as their lives moved on and m ine didn’t, but I also chose to cut some people out of my life as I find friendships very hard going and although I get lonely, it’s worked out quite well for me.

If you can get out and you want to get out there will be groups in your area you can join. Do you have any hobbies? Or maybe you could start some new ones. I used to makes cards and scrapbooks which I really enjoyed and kept me busy. I haven’t been well enough for a while to do them, but have started again recently. I’ve also re done the garden,not massive work and I didn’t personally use a spade, but I planned all the planting etc and it doesn’t have to cost a lot I get a lot of free plants from the papers and take cuttings.

I think the thing is to try and find something you enjoy, might have to experiment a bit ! With anti-depressents, there are many to try and you might get on better with another kind so try your GP and see what they say.I was referred to a neuro-physchologist which helped a great deal. You’re not alone in feeling like this,if that helps. Take care.

10

Hi Judy,

I really don’t know what to say but I can relate to your situation as I seem to be being pushed into early retirement on ill health grounds. Its difficult for a workaholic to accept and I’m going to fight it off for as long as I can. Its isolating at home as so called friend disappear - a side line of MS. Its also not easy to make new friends either. But I like the idea of U3A and the holiday suggestion - if you have the money for that. It would give you time out of the situation to adapt to the new situation (its just not easy and not simple and takes time). I really hate MS and what it does to people - it so unfair.

At my lowest point when I’d had a major relaspe and couldn’t do anything this site saved my sanity, saved my life. I don’t think Hazelwah will ever truely realise how much her jokes meant to me at that dreadful time - they were a real lifeline. And then there was Poll who helped me out of pursuing Dignitas - to fight another day. There are so many wonderful people around and sometimes we just have to find them to help us move on. Thank goodness we can vent our frustrations here and get help and I hope some of the replies here help you to realise that some people do care very deeply and try to help the best they can. These are your new friends.

All I can do is send you love and BIG warm (((((((HUGS))))))) and let you know I am thinking of you and hoping things get better soon. Mary

11

Hi Judy

I know what you mean, both about feeling bitter and also not wanting to feel that. In terms of helping you to not feel bitter/angry, I wonder if it might help to start where with where you are - I know you don’t want to feel those things, but the fact is, you DO feel bitter & angry. But it may be that the only way to move on from those feelings is not to try & deny them, but to acknowledge them as valid feelings, and to not judge yourself negatively for having them. Simply as basic human emotions, there’s nothing wrong or unsurprising about feeling them - it’s perfectly natural given what’s happened. It’s when you stay there too long that it can begin to be a problem.

So my advice would be to have that as a starting point, which you can then take steps to move on from. Finding the things you’re thankful for is always a good practice to do. Another thing I do that I find really helpful is to do a review at the end of the day or week. I look back over the things that have happened & that I’ve done, and notice what were the things that energised me, that felt satisfying or uplifting or fulfilling, or were good for my soul somehow, or where I felt like I was being the real me. Then I look for the opposite - those things that drained me, that left me feeling empty or where I wasn’t really being me.

Over time, you’ll probably begin to see similar things come up on either side. So for me, I know I really enjoy writing. And I know that watching telly all night leaves me feeling bored & frustrated. So I know that, if I have nothing to do in an evening, it will be much better for me to do some writing rather than watch telly.

Hope that makes sense, and I hope you’re able to start appreciating the sights in the new direction of your life’s journey.

Dan

12

Hi Judy

I agree with what Dan has written, try to be gentle with yourself and acknowledge your emotions. Would counselling help? Your GP or MS nurse can refer you for this.

People do move in and out of our lives, MS or not, as our circumstances change. I am slowly losing contact with my ex work colleagues. Their lives are very busy and as I don’t see them on a regular basis anymore it is natural that we should lose contact. Although I do miss them.

When the time is right you will find other ways to fill you life. Your local MS Society or MS Therapy Centre might be helpful starting points.

It takes time to come to terms with MS, working through a range of emotions is perfectly normal.

Good Luck!

Anne

13

Thank you everyone for your replies, advice and support! It really has helped.

thank you for telling me about U3A, I had never heard of them but have sent an email to my local group as it looks interesting. and it is a step in the right direction. I know it will take time to adjust to life being different and thank you all for understanding and making me feel like I am not alone in feeling like this - and you are right - a holiday sounds like a great idea! my husband is a teacher so he is home now and we should look for somewhere to go for a break- we may have less money but we can still try and find somewhere nice I am sure.

Judy

x

14

Someone mentioned volunteering - I help my local Girl Guide group… the girls are totally non-judgmental - they almost seem to think its normal when I use my wheelchair - and they are amazingly helpful. And I get to meet so many people, from parents to other leaders. Everybody tries to make sure that I can do everything - and its low cost! I used to get fed up with the 4 walls at home - best decision I ever made to be a volunteer.

Caz

15

so sorry you’re in a bad place at minute…as others say it may help to have another focus and move forward…not easy but other doors will open and some of those you will find and others will come along…so please stay positive…better things may be on the horizon…just need to move forward and not stay stuck where you are…acknowledge the loss of your job and accept that is a chapter that is closed…no one likes enforced changes…whether that be because of I’ll health or other factors beyond out pr control…but you’re in charge of your own destiny and have the power to shape that…sometimes I think the hardest part is taking that step…finding other things that fulfil you mentally and physically…? stay positive and nothing stays the same in life…:slight_smile: x

16

Quick! (before the name of the village disappears from my memory again…).Llansteffan, South Wales, that’s where I have been with my family (me, my wife, daughter-with-learning-difficulties and son) this weekend.

The proprietor is ‘the guy’ from social services who used to ‘check’ upon us (is about to retire) at home in Gloucestershire, this because of my daughter (14) who has GDD (I ‘have’ SPMS myself but I am still sort of mobile).

His name is Paul and he and his wife took over an hotel in the centre of the village (The Sticks) last december.

They have adopted a lovely girl (Ffion) who has Down’s Syndrome, and she became friends with my son! (my daughter is very happy in her own little world, as long as there are adults around…)

I used to be ‘a bit of a lad’ (is this correct English?) and someone who would not have gone to a ‘tranquille’ village like that, but ‘things’ have changed… We felt very welcome, the weather was great, and my daughter too seemed to enjoy herself (and you can have a chat about ‘life’ with people who know what they are talking about and are genuinely interested!)

Llansteffan is in a most beautiful area with lots of beauty spots (including lovely little beaches), and what I noticed as ‘an MSer’…, my breathing was so much better!

Bla bla bla, sorry I do go on a bit, I just feel I have to let the rest of the world know, now we have found a place where we feel welcome, in spite of our limitations (with the emphasis on my daughter…), also ‘inspired’ by the stories of you guys (get away from it all for a few days if you can!)

BTW, the place is not easily accessible for wheel chair users just yet, but I understand that they are working on this a little bit further away?, and before I go… they do a wonderful breakfast!

We have not tried their other meals, as Paul told me about a most wonderful chip shop in Tenby. I usually do not like ‘British’ chips (I almost said English chips…) but we went out to try… It was indeed lovely chips and the cod must have been caught an hour before, as fresh as it was!..

I’ll stop now… :slight_smile: