I really hate to come on here and be negative but I’m really struggling at the minute and could do with off loading to people who get it.
I’ve become so bad I’ve had to stop working and am currently applying for ill health retirement. All of my symptoms have progressed to such a degree that I really can’t do much of anything. Staying in work was always hard but I was determined to keep going for as long as I could.
I live alone and I’m spending lots of time at home on my own and I’m lonely and bored. I go out when I can but due to the fatigue I’m really limited as to where I can go and what I can do and how often I can go out, and again I’m mainly alone. I always dreaded having to stop working as I feared that I would feel really lost without my job but it had to be done as I couldn’t even manage just a handful of hours a week doing admin work at my own pace.
I don’t have great family support for long complicated reasons I don’t have the energy to type so I speak to my mam once a week on the phone and see her once a week for an hour or so. I rarely see my brother as he finds it hard to see me so disabled, I know how that sounds but it’s how it is.
I have a friend who lives near me but she’s only around for about half the year and when she is she’s busy with her grandkids so it can be difficult for her to find time to do stuff.
To complicate matters further when I split up with my partner almost 10 years ago we stayed friends and he comes over two or three times a week and sometimes texts me. However a couple of weeks ago I stumbled upon his girlfriend on Facebook. He hadn’t mentioned he was seeing anybody and now I’m scared he’s going to disappear on me. I feel really stupid being upset by this but he was amazing when I was diagnosed with MS and I don’t know how I would have got through it without him. His friendship is precious to me.
I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore. I was very fit and active before I got ms and I hate being disabled. I’ve tried being grateful for the simple things in life but I can’t do it. I don’t want to be like this. My gp is referring me for counselling but I honestly can’t see how it will help, there’s no way I’ll ever like or accept being how I am.
I feel really scared and just don’t know what to do.