I’m not sure where to put this, but I need to get this off my chest.
I’ve officially been diagnosed with MS since 2016, and I swear to God, I think my emotions are running ten times slower than my body is. I was told that I’d go through a period of mourning or loss after I was diagnosed - well, two years after I was told what was wrong with my body, it seems that my brain now wants to start grieving for a life that I’ll never have.
I’m sick of having to sugarcoat everything in my life to make things more palatable for other people. I’m sick of dumbing down explanations of what MS is, of not going into too much detail when someone asks “but what could happen if you have another relapse?” in case that I upset their precious wee feelings, of feeling useless and an utter failure because I’ve got this…thing inside me that wants to play havoc with my life. Five years ago, I was starting to plan what I wanted to do as I got into my forties (no sob story here, but I had a pretty horrid childhood, my teenage years were the worst years of my life, I’ve blocked out my twenties and my thirties have been dominated by illness) - and then this thing hit me. And the most awful thing is that instead of feeling depressed about it, of feeling sad about it, of feeling lonely all the time and/or feeling cold to the world…I’m angry all of the time. I’m angry every time I have to explain what’s going on. I’m angry whenever I get asked one of the routine stupid questions (No, Janice, you can’t catch MS from drinking from my coffee cup, but I’m more than happy to slip some bromide into that honking brew you so jokingly call ‘tea’) I’m sick of being treated like a victim and yet I’m angry that I’m not getting more support from my family or my employers, that I get treated with kid gloves by my immediate family and that my extended family are either ignorant or just plain selfish to what’s going on with me.
I’m angry that I feel that I’ve had so much theoretically taken away from me and that I don’t have - I never have had - the resources to get those things back. I miss being able to go for walks for hours and hours and not feeling exhausted. I’m angry that my workmates either think that I’m making this all up or that I’m milking my situation for sympathy. I hate feeling that I’m trapped in my job because I’m not sure how a new employer would react to the MS. It makes me angry - angrier than anything else and because I’m so goddamned polite and so damned restrained with every idiot and moron in my life, I don’t know how to best express it. My MS had a snide little effect on my speech when I had my first major MS attack - it left me pretty incapable to speak for long periods of time, so asking me to vocalise these frustrations is so damned counterproductive and anger-inducing. I’m sick of having to plan my life around a bloody illness that may or may not have the cheek to manifest itself. I’m angry that I don’t know where to turn or who to ask for help or that I’m so angry and worried that no one will want to help me. Up until 2015-16, I’d started getting my life back on track and this - THIS - has punched me down into a hole that I’m worried that I’ll never escape.
Sorry for the rant, but, god damnit, I needed to get it out.