Hi I wonder if any of you have this problem. A few years after my beloved husband died, my daughter and grandson moved in with me. To cut a long story short my daughter has now become my main carer and I do realize that I could not stay in my home without her support. BUT I have to be so careful what I say so as not to cause offense. She’s always complaining she hasn’t had a holiday although she goes to Tenerife every couple of months for a extended weekend and later this month she’s off to Portugal later this month.
I haven’t been out of the house for almost a year now - trouble with my wheelchair but to be honest having had MS for 50 years now I’m quite content with taking it easy.
But I would like to talk to my daughter about how I feel without it turning difficult. Is anyone else in a similar situation,
Esse x
Hi, I’m so sorry to read you feel you can’t talk to your daughter. Summary of my situation was both my mum and I have ms, luckily for me I’m pritty okay with it so I never told my mum. She on the other hand was totally disabled, she could hold and eat half a biscuit by herself but that was about it. She was also blind very hard of hearing. I didn’t move back in with her cause my dad wouldn’t have wanted it but I did go round most days, hoisted her out of bed, showered her, fed her, toilet her (peristeen washout system) and kept her company, and get her back to bed at night. She just wanted company and someone there and I just wanted to give her that. It was hard going some days but she was my mum and I wanted to make her as happy as I could. I didn’t want to go on holiday cause I didn’t want to not be there for her. I should have said she passed away 18 months ago and I still miss her so much, she was my hero. I’d encourage her to tell me about the good old days as she seemed happy talking about them and we’d talk about when I was a kid. We’d talk about wishing we could turn the clock back to before she was disabled.
Not sure what help this is to you, I just know for all some days it broke my heart to see mum like that and some days I’d think this is going to be me in years to come but for all that I’d do anything for her.
Maybe talk to your daughter, find out what she’s struggling with, is she physically or emotionally struggling. Be honest with her and tell her how you feel, for all it upset me hearing mum was fed up or whatever I still wanted to know. Is she better when she’s had her wee breaks away? Good luck with everything, I honestly feel for you.
Hi Esse
So sorry to hear your story. I’m sad that you don’t get out, that’s so unfair. Perhaps when your daughter has had her break she’ll be more approachable and you will be able to talk. It’s tough on us and on our families isn’t it.
It does sound as if there’s a lot of discomfort and unease in your household and no one knows how to have the conversation. You’re too uncomfortable to broach the subject and seem inclined to tell yourself you’re OK with how things are apart from your daughter’s touchiness, while she’s sounding off about holidays, when she maybe means something broader and more difficult to talk about. That is a very uncomfortable situation for you, and probably for her too.
How sure are you that you could not live in your own home without her help? I wonder whether you have had a formal assessment of your care needs from Adult Social Services? You are entitled to this. It might be useful to you to have a clearer picture of what you need and what care assistance is available to you, whether free or paid-for and whether in your current home or in another property, perhaps better suited to your needs than your current one. It may be that you have more options than you think. If you do have options, so does your daughter. At the moment, she might feel rather trapped in a situation that is more than she bargained for and that she doesn’t know how to reverse out of. If you have (say) a chance to live independently, with help from carers other than her, she has the chance to go and do her own thing if that’s what she wants to do. That might in the long run be best for the mother/daughter relationship. It’s great for everyone to have options, and at the very least, thinking through the practicalities with a third party lets some light and air into a situation.
It’s bad for you both if she feels trapped in your house (and maybe trapped financially too?) and you feel trapped by your fear her moods and, perhaps, a deeper fear of what would happen to you if she upped and left.
You should not be walking on eggshells in your own home. Do you have a confidential friend you can talk to openly about all this? I do hope so. It’s easy to get isolated, and that’s not good for a person.
Hi Esse I’m not in the same situation as you and my daughters are step daughters so if it came to it , their mother - my wife - would address any similar issues.
Obviously I don’t know your full circumstances but I’m wondering if you would find it helpful to first work out exactly what you would like to come out of a conversation? Similarly, what is it that you fear?
I’m also wondering why your daughter might keep saying she hasn’t had a holiday. Is she simply tying to broach the idea of a say fortnight’s holiday and if so, how would you feel about that?
More generally, and I’m in danger of treading on egg shells myself here, do you feel that you and your daughter would be able to have a fairly wide ranging and constructive, positive discussion about ‘the future’ ? Yours, hers, what both of your needs might be and what other help you might both be able to get?
As they say ‘I’m just putting things out here’ but there could be lots of options to explore and it’s definitely worth talking with your local council services. My uncle looked after my aunt who was really affected by MS and received a good deal of support through the Council. I know all of this talk about ‘support and help probably sound a bit gloomy and negative but I hope you can think of such things as I do - ‘ just grab hold of all and every support and help you can get’! It might make both of your lives and your relationship a bit easier and enjoyable?
I don’t quite know how these things work but some sort of discussion with council or other services could provide the opportunity for both you and your daughter to talk about needs and how to meet them etc ( I note that you haven’t been out of the house for some time - that doesn’t sound at all ideal)
My best wishes to you.
This is a sort of postscript but I do really hope that you manage to get things sorted in ways that are good for you , good for your daughter and good for your relationship. I’m a bit of a romantic but I tend to think that MS is really hard on both the patient and carer so you two both deserve a really good and happy resolution to any difficulty you are experiencing
Do you know if there are any MS groups near you? Have a look on this website. Some of them meet up for coffee , meals etc and no doubts share experiences and problems - plus providing an opportunity to socialise and enjoy .
The MS Society website also has confidential help lines where you can ask and talk about what ever issue are worrying you.