2 peanuts walking down the street, one was assaulted.
What’s the difference between a snow-man and snow-woman? Snowballs.
3 tomatoes walking down the street, 1 lags behind. The other two turn and call back
Two babies are in the park and one says to the other, I’m a little baby girl, what are you? And the other baby replies, I’m a little boy baby. So the little girl baby asks, How do you know? So the little boy baby pulls back his blanket and says, look…blue socks.
Marriage is like a pack of cards. in the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond, by the end you’ll wish you had a club and spade.
Quasimodo retires so the bishop of Notre Dame advertises for a new bell ringer. An armless man shows up, says he can do the job, and persuades the bishop to let him demonstrate. They go up to the bell tower where the man head-butts the bell to make it ring. The bishop is amazed but when the man tries to ring the bell a second time he slips and falls over the edge of the tower to his death.
The bishop runs down the tower stairs to find that a crowd has gathered around the dead man. A policeman asks: “Do you know this man’s name?”
The bishop replies: “No but his face rings a bell”
A few days later the dead man’s brother turns up. He asks the bishop to let him honour the memory of his dead brother by letting him take the job. The bishop tells him that he needs to prove he can do the job. They go up the tower but the brother slips and falls to his death. The bishop rushes down, a crowd has gathered and a policeman asks:
“Did you know this man?”
The bishop replies: “No but he’s a dead ringer for his brother”
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Snow white and the huntsman walking into the woods. Snow White says, “It’s dark, I’m scared.” Huntsman replies, " Your scared? I’ve got to walk back this way on my own."
Wife asks hubby…" What would you like to do with my body " ?
Hubby answers…" Identify it " !!
a bride on her wedding night says to her husband “i have a confession to make, in a former life i use to be a hooker”
the husband says “i find that quite erotic tell me more”
wife - " my name was nigel and i played for wigan".
Tortoise is mugged by 6 snails. Police officer says “tell me about it”. Tortoise replies “difficult to say - it all happened so quickly”.
what did the pirate say when the cannon went off by his head? …
AAAAAAARRRRR my Buccaneers!!!
2 parrots sitting on a perch, one says to the other “can you smell fish?”
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.