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Does anyone really care ?

I am have relapsing and remitting M.S . I have been managing it myself for the 11 years . The trouble is that my partner of 3& half years left me a few months ago and due to the stress and upset of him going it has now contributed to be having a terrible relapse . I’m so upset and scared being on my own and having a relapse . I’ve never been in this situation before . I have even begged my ex just to come and see me cause I’ve felt so scared and he said no . He said that he had his own problems . I feel so upset that he won’t help me . This is a horrid disease to have and I feel so alone . Mel x

Stress won’t help you ms have you spoken to your GP?

This is going to sound harsh, but in a way, I’m glad for you that your ex was firm and said no.

However tempting it may seem right now, I don’t think getting re-entangled with an ex, just because you’re having a relapse, is going to be good for you long term. What’s going to happen? You recover, he says: “Right, you’re OK now, I’m off!”, and you relive the breakup all over again? Not good for you - or for him either. You can’t cling onto someone by sending them on a guilt trip because you’re ill. If he’d relented and come running, it would just be harder for both of you, when you get better, and he has to make clear the decision still stands - he doesn’t see a future together (and possibly you didn’t either, as it’s wrong of me to assume the split was solely his decision).

So illness isn’t a good reason to try to resurrect a relationship that wasn’t working out. For a start, it’s drastically unequal, if you’re begging because you’re scared, and he’s only responding out of duty or pity - that’s not a relationship you’re in because you both want to be.

However it looks or feels at the moment, a relapse does not last forever - they never do. It’s not worth getting sucked back into a dysfunctional relationship over it. If it’s the first relapse in some time that you’ve had to face by yourself, you need to regain the confidence that you CAN do it. You can’t keep him on a sort of bungee cord, so you can tug him back in, every time there’s trouble.

He doesn’t represent the whole of humanity, so of course other people still care. He may even still care, but that doesn’t mean he should send you mixed messages by coming running, and giving you the hope that maybe you can patch things up, if that’s definitely not on the cards. If nothing else, he can’t be accused of misleading you, or taking advantage of your desperation - which might be quite an easy and cowardly thing for him to do.

I’m sorry, I don’t think you need him in your life - especially if you believe he is, in part, the cause of all this. Things won’t go more smoothly if you let him back in - you’ll just have more drama and upset, and more symptoms. You need to protect yourself from emotionally charged situations at the moment - not return to ones that have been making you ill.

Focus on taking care of yourself and getting better - but not with him. He’s part of the problem, not the solution.

Tina

x

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hi

get over this relapse, learn to look after yourself and learn how to be selfish.

then get in touch with the friends that you’ve probably been neglecting due to your relationship with your ex.

you will need to build a life for YOU!

just arranging to meet a friend for coffee will give you a lift.

you will be fine.

carole xx

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you might think it was harsh what the others have said but i agree with them,you can get through this time, and when you have come out the other side,you will be stronger,

my husband died years ago and i had 2 children to bring up and MS,everyone thought i was not going to cope,me having ms,but cope i did,it wasnt easy at first,it was hard,but it did make me stronger.

you will get over this relapse as scary as it is,but you will,give yourself time to recover then get back on with your life,and who knows,you might look back and think your ex did you a favour.

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hiya

yes they do.

but u r only one living thru this hell. we all have the same label but you are only one dealing with ur ms-its impossible for anyone else!

its cr*p but u will find your own way thru it.

continue to vent on here-there is a wealth of experiences so use the ones useful to your situation. you have had some brill replies tho depending on your view you may not see that just now.

take care, ellie

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Be good to yourself. A new hairdo - some snazzy jeans - anything to cheer you up make you feel good. Then do as Carole - so rightly suggested. Get in touch with old pals - go out for a coffee and a chat.

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Hi,

Sorry to hear about your problems , your better off with out that prat.

Is there not a local MS Branch in your area you could go to for company.and to talk.

Kielyn x

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Hello , thank you so much for all your replies ,and yes they make perfect sense . It’s just when u feel so weak and rotten it feels like it would be so nice to have a cuddle from a man who you thought cared about you . I’ve got a handful of good friends that I’ve always stayed in touch with . I’ve seen most of them during this horrid relapse , but this last week it’s felt like it’s gotten worse . I’ve been in bed for days now sleeping and waking up still feeling exhausted . The m.s affects my eyesight and my head feels very very heavy and it affects my legs . Mel x

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Hi Mel

I have just split up with my boyfriend . To be honest I was clinging on due to my illness . I feel less desirable , but actually I want to be on my own . It suits me right now . You will be fine .

kat x

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Hi Mel

Sorry you’re feeling so rotten, physically & emotionally. No wonder you’re feeling stressed, as that’s a heck of a lot of big stuff to deal with. But as the others have said, getting stressed is only gong to make matters worse, so it’d be good to get help with that. Mindfulness meditation, cognitive behavoural therapy, counselling or anti-depressants could all help, so speak to your GP. Speak to your MS nurse too to see if there’s anything else that can help.

And I agree with the advice of others, as harsh as it sounds. I don’t think your ex is a bad person for this, but it’s understandably difficult for someone when they have someone else solely dependent on them, and that kind of dependency isn’t healthy for a relationship in the long run. There’s a book called Feel the Fear & Do It Anyway that touches on some of this stuff, so you may find it helpful to buy a copy of it (you can get it cheap on Amazon marketplace).

I was in a similar position to you a couple years ago, when my wife moved out. The idea of being on my own as a full-time wheelchair user, & not having someone there I could depend on terrified me. But in many ways it’s been a good thing, as it’s made me much more responsible for my life and has meant I’m learning to stand on my own two feet now. One of the first things I did was apply to the charity Flying Scholarships for Disabled People. This wasn’t because I’d always wanted to learn to fly. I did it as a symbolic act - to metaphorically get out of the passenger seat and into the driver’s seat of my own life, and give myself the challenge of doing something scary that I didn’t think I’d be able to do.

I was lucky enough to be successful, and last year completed my scholarship. It was brilliant, and with my faith in God has given me so much more confidence & self belief. I say that to show that, as tough as things are now, you can grow stronger.It can take time, and can be hard, painful work. But it is possible. In the short term though, you need help so get in touch with your GP/MS nurse/friends/MS Society helpline.

Dan

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