So my dad was diagnosed about 4 years ago while I was at uni. He didn’t tell anyone including me for two years and only because I noticed his change in mobility. He ended up having to leave work as it was manual labour so for the first time in his whole life he wasn’t working all the time and he understandably struggled with this. I was living away from him and at uni at the time and he was getting his money and benefits sorted or so he said. About a year go he ended up losing his house and he has still not claimed the right benefits so I am at my wit’s end. We managed to get him somewhere to leave finally through the council but it is horrible as he has lost everything and I wish I had done way more. Now he has a place to live je is not able to keep it clean but will not accept the help to clean it and he still hasn’t claimed the right benefits or even sorted a bank card. For a while I tried to leave him to it as he gets annoyed when I come round and clean and I feel like I’m nagging all the time which has had an impact on our relationship. I know he doesn’t want me looking after him but I don’t know what to do. It’s hard for me to tell how much of this is brain fog and how much is putting his head in the sand and I don’t know how forceful I should be with it all in terms of his finances but I am picking up a lot of it when he is entitled to stuff and I don’t mind paying but I can’t sustain it long-term. Any advice appreciated!
AmyRose, I have no advice, I am a dutchman and I ‘have’ (PP)MS myself who is blessed with a most wonderful and understanding wife… I cannot pick up anything about a mum, so I presume he is on his own… These are the kind words meant for you. What I would like to say to your dad is… Be blessed with a daughter who is understanding, caring and worried about you! I have have two children, a daughter-with-severe-learning-difficulties, now unfortunately being cared for away from home, and a son who will be studying Architecture in Bristol soon… My wife had a brain haemorrhage in the past of which she recovered for as far as possible, and she is still the one looking after us all. I cannot deny that I am jealous of you, having such an intelligent daughter who cares about you! ‘Mine’ would have been the same if only she would not have had such a negligent ‘medical person in charge’ when she was born now 22-23 years ago (and at the same time causing my wife’s haemorrhage)… Count your blessings ‘mate’ (sorry, I pretend to be an ‘Englishman’ at times), that daughter of yours deserves all available respect…, so wake up!, life is just sh*t (excusez le mot…) at times!!
Hello, I’m not sure how much advice I can give about financial matters since I’m only 17 but I can tell you about how I dealt with my dad and his denial.
My dad has been diagnosed with MS for more than 10 years now but he’s a very proud man and never told me about it. I noticed his struggles with mobility more and more throughout my teen years but I remember it was always kind of “hushed up” in my family as my dad didn’t want to talk about it. His struggles became significantly worse when within quite a short amount of time, he got divorced, became unemployed and lost a close friend. My sister had already left for uni and with my mum moving out, I had to figure out how to live with my dad and his MS.
At first it was very hard for both of us because he was very stubborn and I was very uneducated about MS and expected a lot from him. He was very frustrated and angry when he couldn’t complete everyday tasks and sometimes I’d get angry at him too. Eventually, in his own time, he started slowly seeking help. Firstly, he got a prescription for antidepressants. MS affects you mentally just as much as it does physically and my dad was finally taking care of his well-being. He also took steps like, after much convincing, getting a blue badge for disabled parking. This was hard as he wanted the challenge of walking further but after some hinting about how much easier it could make his life, he got it on his own.
I think the benefits is a must, especially for my dad right now. He is still searching for work but for a desk job or working at home. Finances is one thing my dad has sorted out on his own. I think without them, he couldn’t survive. I do ask about his finances quite regularly and we’ve finally (I hope) got to a point where he’s honest with me and not in denial as much.
The nagging and the cleaning I can completely relate to. I used to nag him all the time about chores and he himself isn’t capable of keeping the house clean. This used to annoy me a lot but now I help a lot around the house and I’ve found little things like making everything easy to reach comfortably for him, buying cups and mugs with lids on them so they’re easier for him to carry without spilling and keeping outside bins closer to the door so it’s closer for him can be a huge help.
Right now I’m trying to make improvements in the house so his life is easier when I go to uni next year. Communication is key in this. I used to nag at him a lot but now we talk about his struggles and what would be most helpful for him. I don’t help him physically but I try and make simple chores easier for him to deal with.
I think the finances would really help your dad and if he’s willing in his own time, maybe looking into mental health options can be helpful too, certainly in my dads health. And then mainly communicate with your dad and ask him what he needs or ask for his opinions on products that could make his life easier. I’m sure things with your dad will get better, they certainly did for me. I don’t know how much help this was but I hope it was somewhat helpful. Feel free to message me if you want to chat about this more:)
Hello AmyRose,
Your dad sounds like he has some depression going on (I am not a doctor, but the way he behaves fits). One paragraph that Nick Dance said was that he started looking for ways to make things easier for his dad to do. I agree, 100%, if you can partner and work with your dad to make things easier to do. He has not lost his ability to do things, he just has to do things differently. I would also push him talking to someone about depression. I think is he talks to someone about the possibility of depression and gets that dealt with it will help him. Remember, he is grieving for the loss of what he used to be able to do. Then hit making changes and getting supports so he can do things by himself. You can also look into what benefits he qualifies for, present your findings to him and ASK him, “What do you want to do?” He must make the decision.