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I want to help my dad

Hi, my dad suffers from MS but it has gotten worse these past couple of years due to family issues which has heightened his anxiety. He’s single and spends most of his time at home. He is in and out of different work but can’t stay long enough to make any friends. I don’t know how to support him because I try to encourage him to be independent but he always ends up getting frustrated and snapping at me. I’m leaving for university in two years and I’m worried how he will cope when I leave. How can I help him? Thank you!

Hi you cant, just let him deal with this himself. I assume it was a break up from your mother or sadly widowed?

I lost my husband 2017 and it spiralled me into a depression i never thought i would get out of and i had to move house.

I dealt with it my way. He is obviously still hurting. I personally didnt want emotional help as i found it made me feel worse. Just reminded me constantly that i was on my own.

He can work, so i take it has mobility. if he struggles to look after himself you could help him in other ways, maybe help him get direct payments for someone to come in and do the house, or at least help him. I am assuming he does not need care? Has he a laptop or does he use Internet. If he can then introduce him to forums and get him sharing on here perhaps. If your near MS society can he go out and meet others. does he have friends? if so ask them quietly to just pop in and see him, or do you have other family.

sometimes people just need to deal with stuff for themselves. Its obviously not helping is it.

Just step back and see how it goes. You still have 2 years. Maybe you could get him out more yourself, do you drive if not and your dad can ask him to teach you, get involved with his hobbies if he has any.

dont make him feel USELESS, or keep reminding him of something he has lost and is hurting over. Don’t make him feel less of a man if that makes sense.

I found people without realising were patronising me, like almost patting me on the back there there…

my husbands death nearly killed me it did emotionally and 2 years on i am still struggling but slowly can talk about him now without bawling my eyes out. My MS kicked my butt so hard, and is slowly getting better.

BUT i wanted to deal with it my way. I had awful anxiety attacks, and a physio rang me and told me how to get through them. deep breathing from the chest. I knew what they were.

He may need help from his GP just a small course of antidepressants to get him through, as he sounds depressed.

grief in any form is hard on us.

but just being there for him is the best medicine. xxxx

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Great point which resonates with me. "dont make him feel USELESS, or keep reminding him of something he has lost and is hurting over. Don’t make him feel less of a man if that makes sense. "

For me this counts in many situations, it may be a ridiculous stubborn ego thing but there are times I need to struggle with stuff by myself. Many times I will fail but when I do succeed the victory is mine. I am not daft enough to not think that this can be costly and stupid but we all have different thresholds.

it is clear that you are close with him so you need to really listen to him and work out when to let stuff go or when to override him. Tough stuff indeed and I hope you can both work this out and go forward.

good luck

mick

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Its kinda difficult. I had years while it was just me and my adult son. Came to the point where I needed help getting dressed, but no 30 yr old bloke wants to do that! so got social services and a carer. Would hace liked him to do more in the garden, but it just wasn’t his thing - so ended up paying for some one to cut grass.

Could be he wants a social life, but is hesitating cuz you are there. He’s your dad! and hard to see him as someone who actually might fancy women and have needs. And ditto, he’s not gonna tell you that. So you can “suggest” - oh look theres a karoke night at the pub", but he’ll do what he wants to do! Thats blokes. Of any age!

If he’s really struggling with anything, shopping, cooking etc try and wheedle that out of him…but some folks can be loathe to tell you stuff like that.

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Thank you so much for your advice!! It’s helped me see my dads side of things and how best to approach the future. Yes, it was a split from my mum and trying to find a stable job has been hard on him. But he is on antidepressants which have helped and he still has some mobility and can drive so he is able to go out. I’ll research more info if we’re near an MS society which could help in the future xx

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Thank you so much for your advice. I’ll definitely take it into account for the future. Its helped me see my dads side of things xx

Thank you for your advice! xx

Bless him, he is still in pain and grieving for his loss. whether its death or divorce it feels the same.

Just been there for him, he has to process this all his way, with your support he will get there in the end. xxxxx

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Crazy Chick for PM - you give the best advice and knowledge on here and help so many of us MS folk - thankyou

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