I don’t know whether anyone can offer any advice, but I am currently supporting my partner who has ppms (EDSS 5) and my elderly mother who lives 300 miles away. I have had to give up my job to care for my mother and I go stay with her for a few weeks at a time. When i come back I support my partner who is deteriorating fast (dx two years). I am so tired and i know that i am not really helping anyone. Over teh past 6 months I have developed some neurological symptoms (I am 41) and i am due to have a brain and spine mri in the next two months. My partner and I row alot now and I just have nothing left to give. My mother is very sympathetic but i don’t feel i am being fair to her (she is my primary concern) as i am always worring about my partner. His family and friends do next to nothing, they visit occasionally. I’ve tried to say something to my partner but he says its their choice. He is very depressed but doesn’t want to talk to anyone about it. I really don’t know what to do anymore; any advice is welcome. Thank you .
Hello, this is a very difficult and also delicate problem.
I say delicate because it seems some fairly harsh sounding advice may be forthcoming…not just from me, but others too.
Sorry if my opening words have got your back up…but
I guess maybe you already know that you have to make some kind of decision very soon, eh?
Obviously all this to-ing and fro-ing is doing you in, love.
Now that your health is a problem, you have to think hard about what you are going to do.
Your mum lives so far away that looking after her isn`t really going to be possible, at least until you get your own health sorted out (hopefully you will).
Who looks after your mum when you are not there? Does she have any other family who could help her? Do you think some outside agency could visit her to see what help she needs?
You say you are rowing with your partner…I can`t wonder at that. he probably feels neglected, eh?
Another idea…is there a possibility your mum could move nearer to you?
Some people can be very defensive when anyone suggests outside help. I battled my hubby for 2/3 yrs before he would admit we needed outside help. Now he sees the wonderful benefits of it.
Hope things improve soon.
luv Pollx
Dear Poll, thank you so much for your reply. I really appreciate everything you say - and you haven’t got my back up at all - far from it. I really want to learn from other people looking at the situation from the outside. Things have changed so much in the last three months that I am fire-fighting rather than planning ahead; frequent migraines don’t help either. In response to your questions, both my mother and partner have refused external help, despite my suggesting for over a year. They are both very independent. There is only me, my mum and my mum’s older sister. My mum manages on her own for a bit, with ready-cooked meals etc, but this is not sustainable. Nor is the situation with my partner. I feel so stupid, but I honestly thought his extensive family would be there to support him, but that just isn’t the case. I have suggested my mum moving nearer, but she doesn’t want to leave her older sister who has just entered a residential home (and my aunt has resolutely refused to move anywhere else). By trying to cope, i’m not helping anyone. I need to discuss the situation with them both again and work out the best plan. Thanks again for your reply. Best wishes
Hope you are able to reach a decision which will help you all. Tough times, eh?
luv Pollx
No, they aren’t. They are highly dependent on you. They are just pretending to be independent - at your expense! This will not do.
You are quite right about this being not sustainable, I think. You need to put your foot down - but the person you need to start with is yourself. Until you have fully accepted that you can’t do everything, and you can’t make everything all right, you will continue to be vulnerable to colluding with your invalids in their pretence that they can do without external help. They can’t, and neither can you. This is not your fault. Please remember that this is not your fault.
Alison
x
i agree with alison what she said is spot on,you really do need to make some decisions,how to make your own life bearable.
Hi Alison and Jaki, thank you so much for your messages; your thoughts have been very welcome. I have made some progress with my boyfriend and an OT has visited his house and I’ve organised a social worker to come as well and he has been receptive to these. This is positive news and I do feel less stressed, as I feel the worries about his welfare are now shared; although i realise how overworked these individuals are. The situation with my mother is less certain, but as you say I have to make some decisions about my future. Alison, I really appreciate your words about it not being my fault. I have struggled so much with this, and have become frustrated with my mother, aunt and boyfriend because they were not taking responsibility for their situations - leaving themselves vulnerable. MS and old age are nobody’s fault; but I am learning how to support them how to have as independent lives as possible - whether they chose to take up these options is inevitably up to them, but I know where my limits are (and I have told them as well). Thanks again x
Hi, me again. I`m just reading over some past posts.
So how are things now?
Has a mutually suitable solution been agreed?
I do hope so.
luv Pollx