I am new to using forums so forgive me if i am posting in the wrong place. My name is Josh, and i was diagnosed with RRMS in December 2010, well, diagnosed with Balo’s Concentric Sclerosis after my first relapse. After the second relapse 18 months later they told me it was RRMS. Before all of this i worked as a gardener and was looking to start my own business. Since i was diagnosed i have been unable to do the physical work, which caused me to lose my job. Over the last couple of years i feel i have been getting more depressed as the weeks pass, i loved the hard days at work and keeping fit, but now some days just getting out of bed can be difficult and tiering.
I have been passed between JSA and ESA since being diagnosed and i have got to the point where i cannot handle the stress of it for much longer. I have a partner and a 2 year old daughter who i try and provide for, aswell as the rent to pay etc. But due to feeling off balance, sick, having headaches, needing to rush to the loo, and an endless list of problems, finding a suitable job feels like an impossible task. It makes me so miserable that i cant just get a job, make some friends and pay my own way!
Recently i just feel like there is no place for me in this world, my depression is bringing my partner down, and i dont want my daughter to pick up on it. Being told im unfit to work, then having an assesment and being told im fit to work just feels like a vicious circle. I have lost all my confidence, cant even look at family members in the eye when i speak with them, i break into a nervous sweat for no reason which is very embarrasing if im out. I seem to have so many issues that need addressing and i have no clue where to start, i sort of feel asthough its all my fault im in this rut as i can be quite stubborn at times. I enjoy being the provider for my family, and part of me feels abit less of a person if i have to say i cannot do it anymore.
If anybody could give me some advice it would be greatly appreciated. Or if anybody would just like to chat, since all of this begun ive lost all my friends and i do feel very lonly.