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A poem about diagnosis

I wrote this poem about how I felt being diagnosed, thought I’d share as I’m sure I’m not alone.

D-day

Good news! He said as I sat at his desk,
It’s not the tumour we feared, but MS instead.
My mind starts racing, filling with dread.
He carried on talking, barely pausing for breath.

It’s a chronic neurological condition, and as yet there is no cure,
All I could think of was to run for the door.
Student doctors sat across the room,
nodding and smiling as my world went ka-boom.
This can’t be right, it’s not happening to me,
I’m in a bad dream - it cannot be.

Thoughts turn to my children so little and new,
What will happen if I don’t pull through?
It’s not going to kill you he says with a smile,
But coming to terms with it may take you a while.
There are plenty of new treatments that you can try,
I turn to my husband - he has tears in his eyes.
He keeps saying words, words I can’t hear,
There’s too much to take in and I’m so full of fear.

We give him our thanks and head for home,
but feel I’m stepping off the edge into the unknown.
The journey takes a lifetime and words come slow,
How can you process what you don’t want to know?

We arrive home to a houseful of people,
‘How did it go, what did he say, has the tumour gone away?’
It’s not a tumour I say with a cheer…
BUT…
And I watch their relief turn to fear.
The questions come with quick succession,
Each answer I give seems to feed the depression.

It takes a long time to get my head straight,
I’m angry and scared and in a bit of a state.
Slowly slowly life gets back on track,
Just in time for another attack.
It’s a fairground ride of ups and downs,
Hospital visits and stumbling around.

A couple of years in and things aren’t great,
But I’m learning to live with what’s on my plate.
It’s uncomfortable living with multiple sclerosis,
No one can give you a proper prognosis.
I try to take each day as it comes, and as far as possible, to try and have fun.

There will be plenty of hardships to come, but I’m concentrating on being a mum.
So now I make a vow to carry on as long as I’m able,
It is, after all, just another label.

L.pepper 2014

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No, you’re not alone. Brought a lump to my throat. Well done.

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What a very moving poem.

Secretly I thought about a brain tumour due to chronic headaches. Never considered MS.

The day I found out, I just cried in my husbands arms. Now over a year later, I’m just learning to take each day as it comes.

Thank you so much for sharing.

xx

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Brilliant!

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prior to my dx, 6yrs in the in the naming , not knowing what was wrongi it felt like i was walking throw a desert, then reaching a door or porttle on its own in the middle of nowhere, the door was the dx! once throw, more desert and nowhere !! 17yrs oh joy (NOT) i wos told by family members & ex wife before dx, its all in your head!! how ironic ! good poem, some can read this,but many wont see,

Julien

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briliant poem written by someone who knows first hand what it’s all about.

why don’t you offer it to our ms nurse to share wih others going through diagnosis.

keep focussing on your children as a distraction technique.

best wishes

carole x

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Here’s my attempt at expressing what my MS meant to me. Hope some of you can somewhat relate to it.

Derek


MY STRUGGLE by Derek Patience, December 2009

This is my struggle, my strife
The biggest battle of my life
My enemy’s aggressive, cruel, progressive
Getting stronger with every attack
I can’t beat it; conquer, defeat it
I’m losing the will to fight back

This is my sadness, my sorrow
Another part of me will fail tomorrow
And now I’m stumbling, falling, tumbling
Getting worse each and every day
I’m struggling to talk, to see and to walk
My body’s slowly wasting away

This is my shackle, my shame
I feel bitter but no one’s to blame
I feel like crying, giving up and dying
Despair embraces my soul
My eyes all blurry, can’t sleep with worry
This thing has taken control

You are my salvation, my soul-mate
Carrying the load without any hate
You’re so caring, loving and sharing
And you give me the strength to go on
I know I’m needy, childish and greedy
And I’d be lost without you to lean on

This is my struggle, my strife
The biggest battle of my life
But I’m not quitting; succumbing, submitting
This disease wasn’t quite what I’d planned
I can’t beat it; conquer, defeat it
But I’ll fight it as much as I can

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Thank you for sharing your very expressive and moving poem Derek.

Even though your life has been and still is difficult it’s good to know you remain up for the fight

xx

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ssdd and Derek,

Good poems, puts into words what people are thinking.

Jen x

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Love your poems! I have come back to this post a few times to read them bought tears to my eyes! Puts it all into words soo nicely. charlene x

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Not an Iron deficiency

This illness was of a different league.
At first I couldn’t feel my nose, blackouts dizziness and fatigue, and numbness in my fingers and toes.

The lack of sensation grew like a disease, across my face and up my arms to my elbows, and up my legs to my knees, I had seizures and bouts with monstrous lows.

My memory failed not long after, and I had to find out the reason, my emotional state a disaster. The MRI of my brain showed lesions.

The Doctors told me I had Multiple Sclerosis, that my body was attacking itself all along, and I knew nothing of this… Maybe they were wrong.

They weren’t wrong.

I acquired the use of a cane, I started taking medicine, and things looked up again. I defy this impediment.

I found my freedom in knowing, no longer fighting a blind battle, but my symptoms just kept growing. I’ve become so fragile.

My eyes became dull recently, I got a really nice pair of glasses, they suit me decently. My headache is no longer so massive.

I hope more often than I despair, but stress gets to me, and I live with a pain that is forever there. MS makes me it’s detainee.

Body as prison.

It’s difficult to keep my head held high, those winter months are the hardest, I prefer it warm, sunny and dry. Playing games is my catharsis.

Although I am often bed bound, and anxiety fuels my sorrow, I try remember everything that I’ve found. Just look forward to tomorrow.

There is always a reason to smile, it could be a good day you know, try to laugh once in a while. Life should be more than “so-so”.

Life should be exciting, it’s been six years since my diagnosis, at least I know what I’m fighting, Relapsing Remitting Multiple Sclerosis.

Mind over matter.

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Thank you for your kind words, glad you liked it! Love the other poems too, words can be very powerful.