I wrote this poem about how I felt being diagnosed, thought I’d share as I’m sure I’m not alone.
Good news! He said as I sat at his desk,
It’s not the tumour we feared, but MS instead.
My mind starts racing, filling with dread.
He carried on talking, barely pausing for breath.
It’s a chronic neurological condition, and as yet there is no cure,
All I could think of was to run for the door.
Student doctors sat across the room,
nodding and smiling as my world went ka-boom.
This can’t be right, it’s not happening to me,
I’m in a bad dream - it cannot be.
Thoughts turn to my children so little and new,
What will happen if I don’t pull through?
It’s not going to kill you he says with a smile,
But coming to terms with it may take you a while.
There are plenty of new treatments that you can try,
I turn to my husband - he has tears in his eyes.
He keeps saying words, words I can’t hear,
There’s too much to take in and I’m so full of fear.
We give him our thanks and head for home,
but feel I’m stepping off the edge into the unknown.
The journey takes a lifetime and words come slow,
How can you process what you don’t want to know?
We arrive home to a houseful of people,
‘How did it go, what did he say, has the tumour gone away?’
It’s not a tumour I say with a cheer…
And I watch their relief turn to fear.
The questions come with quick succession,
Each answer I give seems to feed the depression.
It takes a long time to get my head straight,
I’m angry and scared and in a bit of a state.
Slowly slowly life gets back on track,
Just in time for another attack.
It’s a fairground ride of ups and downs,
Hospital visits and stumbling around.
A couple of years in and things aren’t great,
But I’m learning to live with what’s on my plate.
It’s uncomfortable living with multiple sclerosis,
No one can give you a proper prognosis.
I try to take each day as it comes, and as far as possible, to try and have fun.
There will be plenty of hardships to come, but I’m concentrating on being a mum.
So now I make a vow to carry on as long as I’m able,
It is, after all, just another label.