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The Kubler-Ross model or Five Stages of Grief

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model

 

I thought this may be helpful to someone here.

 I have been feeling really angry, stroppy and moody etc for the past few days in between bouts of crying at the drop of a hat. Yesterday I wanted to prove to myself that I am fine now and it was just a blip. I do NOT have MS!

I did a massive food shop in Tesco then came back and cut both lawns, weeded, put up the tent from when we went to Download festival last weekend (very muddy), I washed it dried it and packed it away agai, scrubbed all of our muddy wellies and boots in between hanging loads of washing. By early evening I felt exhausted and could feel body stiffening up and muscles aching. I then carried on doing bits of weeding and hanging washing out etc until I could barely move. Normally I can so all of this without much effect and still cook dinner afterwards. My son cooked a meal, bless him as I was knackered.

By bedtime I was in so much pain I actually went to bed before midnight.

I had an awful night. Waking constantly in pain unable to move. I struggled to get to the loo about 3am and had to hover whilst holding on to the sink (TMI,sorry). I couldn't even turn over in bed from pain. Every muscle was ceased and painful. I managed to get some Panadol from the kitchen and went back to bed.

This morning I am slighlty better but I am not going to be able to go to jazzercise tonight. I ache far too much.

What I am trying to say is that I realise I can't do the things I used to be able to do only a few months ago. I am feeling angry that the old 'me' seems to have gone, replacing with this pathetic, weak body.

 I am not ready to accept I may have MS and am possibly in denial by forcing myself to do the things I have always been able to do easily.

I goggled the five stages of grief out of interest.

What makes it even harder is that I feel I don't really have anything real to grieve about because I don't have a dx of MS, although it is looking more likely wih each test and neuro appointment.

I have told very few people and have kept it from good friends and most family.

If I keep it to myself - I may be able to pretend it's not real?

If I deny it - it may not happen?

If I fight it - I may win over it?

If I hate it (typing this part has actually made me cry right here and now) - it may leave me alone?

I am finding myself picking arguments with people so I can get angry and take it out on them, very unfairly, which, ultimately, makes me feel worse.

I feel a mixture of all the stages of grief. 

 

i can relate to this, i find it very easy to be angry these days and i do take it out on other people too. 

I also get jelous of the "normal population" as i think of them because they dont have to deal with problems like having MS.Instead they have problems like, getting promotions and saving money for a holiday, sometimes it feels like the rest of the world is moving and im standing still.

yeah im with you there, all we can do is our best though and play with the hand thats dealt

Yes, exactly that .

I know this is going to sound very 'doom and gloom' but it's where I am right now, and I am normally such a positive person! ...but it kind of feels like 'game over' for me...

I don't care, right now, for words of wisdom such as "Look at the positives", "Things could be worse", "It doesn't mean it's the end"... because this is the stage I am at right now and I want to be allowed to dwell here for a while until it is out of my system. I am a fighter. It's what I do and I am fighting but also feel like I am losing and this makes me sad and angry.

 I don't want to be told 'It could be friggin worse!'

I KNOW it could be worse but that doesn't make me feel any better!

haha yes i know, i too feel no consolation that things could be worse. I dont feel at this point in time that i want to "accept things" and adapt and learn to be something else. I feel that i will fight this beast for a good while, maybe forever who knows and that as long as i keep fighting then theres always a chance that i'll win. I feel that by not fighting and accepting things then i am inviting this disease in. 

Yes! Keep the beast at bay! 

I am still in early stages of diagnosis and am well aware that I am digging my heels in. I'm sure everyone did that at first and maybe still do. 

I've also still got the thought in my head that it MAY be something else. It MAY be a 'one-off' CIS. My neuro MAY be barking up the wrong tree here with her 'I'm pretty sure it's MS' line. Lots of 'maybes' but I am also aware that this is a normal way of thinking when faced with a crippling disease.

MS is an ugly B#@#@#d!

good grief!! I can't believe you did all that!! I would fail at the Tesco shop!!! xxxjenxxx stay positive lovely xhappyflower

Thanks Kiz. I am feeling slightly brighter this evening. Pain is fading and muscles are loosening up. I have done bugger all today. Didn't even wash breakfast things up until this afternoon, when I felt like it.

Being in pain makes me grouchy (as it does for anyone) but with the reason for the pain hovering over my shoulder, I felt very down, still do but am a bit chirpier for having got it off my chest and for being in less pain now.

I feel like I am at a crossroads in my life now and don't know which way to turn. They all look crap, lol.

Just a few months ago I could do all of that and more. About 5 years ago I used to help a tree surgeon out sometimes lumping very large tree stumps into the back of his truck.

Just 6 months ago I could do 8-10 pull-ups!

Now I can't do one (I keep trying... unsuccessfully) and mowing the lawn makes me feel like I am 80 years old. Actually I am sure my 85 year old nan could do more than I can today :(

 

Have changed my profile pic to one of me 6 months ago doing pull-ups, lol. I was also 2 stone lighter there! I have gained so much weight since I have been ill :(

I have become a comfort-eater. Usually, stress and worry send me the opposite way and my stomach knots up, physically preventing me from being able to eat. Wish that was still the case now!

I think you certainly do have something to grieve about.

When we lose someone it's not the loss of them per se that we grieve over, it's the socking great holes in the rest of our life that were filled by them - we have to rewrite our future.  

No so more than for the newly Dx MS sufferer.  Your future has changed, it's lost, gone. You have to accept that you need to rewrite your future.  That's grief.  It's a HUGE loss.

I used to be very active - climbing, hill walking, step aerobics etc, and now have tremor in both arms and can't lift a home-built flat pack wardrobe off the floor now, where I used to build aero engines!  I have to think hard about what job I'm going to be able to tackle next as my arms might just not perform.  If i carry heavy shopping around my hands shake so much after I can't eat without my cutlery ratting on the plate. This is very very frustrating but I'm a pragmatic sort and accept that it's the way I am now.  Think a way round it (shopping bag on wheels!) and adapt is my way.  I moved into acceptance very quickly, I guess.  You can only do what you can do.