I thought this may be helpful to someone here.
I have been feeling really angry, stroppy and moody etc for the past few days in between bouts of crying at the drop of a hat. Yesterday I wanted to prove to myself that I am fine now and it was just a blip. I do NOT have MS!
I did a massive food shop in Tesco then came back and cut both lawns, weeded, put up the tent from when we went to Download festival last weekend (very muddy), I washed it dried it and packed it away agai, scrubbed all of our muddy wellies and boots in between hanging loads of washing. By early evening I felt exhausted and could feel body stiffening up and muscles aching. I then carried on doing bits of weeding and hanging washing out etc until I could barely move. Normally I can so all of this without much effect and still cook dinner afterwards. My son cooked a meal, bless him as I was knackered.
By bedtime I was in so much pain I actually went to bed before midnight.
I had an awful night. Waking constantly in pain unable to move. I struggled to get to the loo about 3am and had to hover whilst holding on to the sink (TMI,sorry). I couldn't even turn over in bed from pain. Every muscle was ceased and painful. I managed to get some Panadol from the kitchen and went back to bed.
This morning I am slighlty better but I am not going to be able to go to jazzercise tonight. I ache far too much.
What I am trying to say is that I realise I can't do the things I used to be able to do only a few months ago. I am feeling angry that the old 'me' seems to have gone, replacing with this pathetic, weak body.
I am not ready to accept I may have MS and am possibly in denial by forcing myself to do the things I have always been able to do easily.
I goggled the five stages of grief out of interest.
What makes it even harder is that I feel I don't really have anything real to grieve about because I don't have a dx of MS, although it is looking more likely wih each test and neuro appointment.
I have told very few people and have kept it from good friends and most family.
If I keep it to myself - I may be able to pretend it's not real?
If I deny it - it may not happen?
If I fight it - I may win over it?
If I hate it (typing this part has actually made me cry right here and now) - it may leave me alone?
I am finding myself picking arguments with people so I can get angry and take it out on them, very unfairly, which, ultimately, makes me feel worse.
I feel a mixture of all the stages of grief.