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And now a few gems from Air Traffic Control

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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles …"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
"Center, we are at 35,000 feet . How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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O’Hare Approach Control to a 747:
"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock , three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this…I’ve got the little Fokker in sight."

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A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.
If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English.
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.
The DC-8 landed, rolled out turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts.
Another landing like yours and I’ll have enough parts for another one."

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While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma’am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking, “Wasn’t I married to you once?”

Some more to add

aircraft maintenance engineers ‘gripe sheets’ or ‘squawk reports’ comments



Technical problem or defect reported by pilot or crew.



Remedial action or answer reported by maintenance engineer



Something loose in cockpit.



Something tightened in cockpit.



Left-inside main tyre (tire) almost needs replacing.



Almost replaced left-inside main tyre.



Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500lbs.



Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300lbs.



Unfamiliar noise coming from No2 engine.



Engine run for three hours. Noise now familiar.



Mouse in cockpit.



Cat installed.



Target radar hums.



Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.



Number three engine missing. [not firing properly presumably]



Engine found on starboard [right] wing after brief search.



Pilot’s clock inoperative.



Wound clock.



Aircraft handles funny.



Aircraft told to straighten up, fly right and be serious.



Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.



Pilot removed from aircraft.



Noise coming from under instrument panel - sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.



Took hammer away from midget.



Suspected crack in windshield.



Suspect you are right.



IFF inoperative. [IFF = Identification, Friend or Foe.]



IFF always inoperative in ‘off’ mode.



Test flight okay except Auto-Land very rough.



Auto-Land is not installed on this aircraft.



No2 ADF needle runs wild. [ADF = Automatic Direction Finder/Finding?]



Caught and tamed No2 ADF needle.



Turn and slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.



Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!



Dead bugs on windshield.



Live bugs on back order.



Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200 feet per minute descent.



Cannot reproduce problem on ground.



Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.



Evidence removed.



Three roaches in cabin.



One roach killed, one wounded, one got away.



DME volume set unbelievably loud. [DME = Distance Measuring Equipment?]



DME volume set to more believable level.



No2 propeller seeping prop fluid.



No2 propeller seepage normal. Nos 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.



Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.



That’s what they are for.

JBK that is absolutely marvellous…Somebody will sustain serious injury on this page,but at least they’ll be happy

Thanks,

Wb

That’s a G&T on the screen but I was warned…

Made me laugh!!

Thanks…

Heard one story of a landing at Faro airport during a storm when the plane bounced around a bit and the stewardess came on the tannoy ‘Please remain in your seats while captain kangaroo taxis what’s left of the aircraft to the terminal’.

Chris

Have just tried to read all these to my hubby. He couldn’t actually understand what I was saying because I couldn’t stop laughing long enough. Both of you have surpassed yourselves!!! I’m now going to have to try and breathe normally again!!!

Sharon x

Ha ha ha, I love wit and sarcasm.

Wb, you have competition, there’s a new kid on the block. Thanks JBK for adding to an already funny post

Tracey x

I actually got this in the bay on a 731 from an Itallian Pilot: Rad Alt no operate in O.F.F position