Hi Minnie,
I do think this is a common thing, and that yes, it’s all related to the MS.
Before I was diagnosed, I spent many years wondering if I had a character defect: chronic lack of ambition/motivation. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just buck up and get on with things - my house was more of a mess than it used to be, my work backlog kept getting bigger, I stopped shopping for non-essentials - no longer wanting to go out to have a look round and try things on - and that sort of thing.
Yet past achievements were just not compatible with the notion of a “lazy” person - I had got a degree at night school, whilst working full time. I didn’t understand how that could be, if I was fundamentally lazy, as it’s certainly doing it the hard way. So there were a lot of unexplained contradictions.
Unexplained, that is, until I was diagnosed with MS. The light dawned that frustration with myself for being “lazy” might really have been frustration with being ill. But because it was very slow, and crept up on me, the thought it might be chronic illness had never really occurred to me.
I honestly thought I could - and should - snap out of it, so I blamed myself. At one point, I was even diagnosed with depression - which may or may not have been true, as it IS a possible symptom of MS - but also chronic MS-related fatigue might easily be mistaken for depression. Although depression IS a recognized illness, there’s still a lot of stigma goes along with it, so I still believed it was my fault, and that I could get better if I tried.
It wasn’t until I saw the lesions on MRI that I finally realised this wasn’t laziness, or even a psychological problem, but I was physically ill, with damage to prove it.
I can’t ever know how different life would have been, or how much more I might have achieved, if I hadn’t been ill for - I now suspect - years.
But yes, I often start the day with all good intentions, but end up basically frittering and snoozing it away. I can no longer remember waking up refreshed, and ready to take on the world. I always feel as if I’m trying to do everything with flu’ - i.e. just about managing the essentials, but not much over and above.
I’m sorry this is more of a: “Yeah, me too” than any constructive advice. There are drugs to counter MS fatigue ; however, I am also an anxiety-sufferer, so my neuro counselled against them, because they are stimulants, so might exacerbate anxiety. I do wonder if I should have pressed for them anyway. I’m not sure if writing something off as unsuitable without giving it a go was the best thing.
Tina
x