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In shock! x

 

First of all I'd like to say hello! Secondly I'd like to say I'm so sorry but this is a long-winded one! Any advice would be more than gratefully received! I’m feeling so isolated at the moment x

I’m 49 yr old artist, project manager & lecturer in art & design. Yesterday I decided to write down all (well almost all!) the symptoms I have been experiencing for several years! Most have been steadily getting much worse

In 1995 I had a serious car accident where I injured my lower back (L4/L5/S1 large discs prolapse), my thoracic spine (T6/T7/T8 prolapse) and sustained C5 bilateral vertebral body injury with subluxation. I suffered several years of sudden acute lower back pain, which would lay me up for several weeks at a time. Over time these subsided in frequency & for the past couple of years I have only been dealing with more chronic, less intense symptoms. I have always experienced pins & needles in my feet and numbness in my legs, particularly the left, as well as pins & needles & numbness in my pinkies & ring finger.

Over the last few years these and other symptoms have become much worse. New ones have been sporadically appearing, disappearing then reappearing! Others have become constant.

I can’t stand the heat! I feel so ill when the heating is on in the house or the car. I haven’t been abroad on holiday for years because I became so ill when I went. Tests for the menopause keep coming back clear. I have been battling with extreme exhaustion/fatigue that puts me to bed for days on end. I just can’t do activities anymore. I don’t go out at all in the evenings or weekends like I used to. I just reserve what little energy I have for work - but lately I’ve even been missing work a lot because of this.

My legs and arms become like lead, I can’t get out of bed or up and down the stairs. I’m getting horrible burning yet freezing cold sensations in the front of my thighs and severe pain in my left outer foot that comes & goes – usually lasts a week or so.

Last year I was referred to a specialist in haematological disorders like leukaemia as my WBC kept coming back significantly raised for inflammation. She monitored me for 14 months and carried out various tests for things like anaemia/deficiencies, RA, Lymphoma, Menopause, etc. All were ruled out - but my WBC remains consistently high. She has now referred me to an endocrine specialist to rule things out.

4 years ago I suddenly experienced several really distressing episodes in quick succession.

One of my very worst and most frightening symptoms was sudden pain spasms and a crushing sensation around my chest around my whole chest area. It started with the odd spasm that would last a minute or so then ease off – so severe it would stop me in my tracks. As the days went on this became more frequent until the spasms were constant and coming in constant crushing, agonising waves. My husband rushed me to A&E convinced I was having a heart attack! Cardiac tests were fine apart from my blood pressure was raised so they sent e home with painkillers! This went on for around 3 weeks, slowly easing in severity.
 

The second severe episode was 18 months ago. I started with flu like symptoms without the runny nose - then came the chest ‘squeeze’ but this time my actual stomach started violently spasming as well. After 5 days I went to my GP who just handed out more painkillers and something to stop my stomach spasm – none of which helped - again it lasted over 10 days.

Since then it comes & goes - particularly at night – but has not been so severe. I constantly feel like there is something tight, crushing round my middle.

I have also been regularly getting an electric shock type pain that shoots around my middle into my abdomen - it lasts just a few seconds but is so severe that my whole body jerks up and I sometimes lose control of my bladder when it happens. It’s most distressing when it happens in work.

I get electric shocks down my spine sometimes when I lean over to clean my teeth or look down. Not all the time though.

I've had an ultrasound and an endoscopy that were fine (apart from a small polyp in my gall bladder that they said would not cause these problems).

I have been so convinced this was all due to my back problems I insisted on an MRI of my thoracic region. Before Christmas I had a bit of a shock when I saw the consultant orthopaedic surgeon about the results, hoping he could help but he insists that although I have 2 small bulging discs in the thoracic region my symptoms are not due to my spine. He says they are neurological and he has given me an urgent referral to a neurologist (12 week wait!). I don’t think there are lesions on it.

2 weeks ago I visited my optician as I’m having problems with my vision. We looked at my notes. I first had problems with my eyes in 1998 when I had severe pain behind my eyes and one eye went very bloodshot - at the time I was told by my GP it was inflammation and given drops to sooth it. I went to my optician & or the fist time I needed glasses. A few years later I was driving home one afternoon and I suddenly had double vision - not side by side but one on top of the other (very strange!). I rang the optician working at the time and she told me that if it persisted to go and see my doctor. It lasted a few days but got better before my appointment with my GP so I cancelled. This has happened a couple of times over the years but I've always ignored it knowing it eventually goes away!

4 years ago whilst walking to my car after work I suddenly went blind in both eyes - total white- out/snow effect. After 15 minutes I called the receptionist in work to come out & I ended up in A&E for 4 hours until it subsided – they then sent me home saying it was probably a migraine. I was so ill for 3 weeks after it - total exhaustion and I could hardly walk because my legs felt weak & sized up. I was called up to personnel for a telling off because I had 3 weeks off for a migraine!

My eyes bothered me on & off then 2 years ago I got hit in the eyeball with a toggle - not a huge knock but it made me go totally blind in both eyes for a few days - then I remained blind in one eye for several weeks and my palette (I’m a painter) was totally grey & washed out – the world was grey!. The consultant that monitored  me said my optic nerve was very inflamed & swollen & he gave me a series of steroid eye drops and drops to lower the pressure. I was back and forth having treatment for over a year until it settled down.
 

Since then on a day-to-day basis I have constant flashing lights that seems to fill my vision to the left - sometimes it's seems to be below/underneath.
I no longer drive at night because I can't see properly when car lights are coming towards me - lights really bother me. I'm an artist and I have periods where my palette looks grey.
I have also developed this constant twitching in my eyelid and eyebrow - irritating! Sometimes my whole eyelid spasms right down and covers over my whole eye for a minute or two! Very embarrassing when you are giving a presentation or talking to someone in the street!!

Back to my recent optician visit - my pressure behind my eyes is really high yet again and my eyesight has deteriorated quite a lot since I saw him last (my mother & aunt have glaucoma so this is always a concern). He asked about my general health, any other symptoms. I told him about the heat intolerance (I have no control over my body temperature – can’t stand the heat at all) the stiffness, numbness, pins & needles in my legs - the electric shock sensations and tightness around my middle - the total exhaustion etc etc etc

He seemed very uncomfortable and started talking to me about optic neuritis saying he thinks that I have been having it since 1998 - he started by saying it could be caused by a virus but he didn't think so in my case. He said he thinks it could be a demyelating condition.

On Monday I spent an hour with my GP  (that’s a first!). She had received a letter from the Orthopaedic Surgeon & my Optician. Both recommend an urgent referral to investigate a demyelating disease.

All of a sudden we are talking MS. I feel like my world has been turned upside-down!

I can’t believe that all of my symptoms have never been looked at together! It’s my fault as I have always blamed the car accident for my leg & back problems & the eye toggle accident for my eye problems!

I’m now patiently waiting to see the Neuro – even though it’s marked as urgent I could be looking at April because of the waiting list. In the meantime my GP has ordered an urgent brain scan so that he has this before my appointment.

I have been reading other people’s stories on here. I’m telling myself this can’t be MS because although my coordination is not good - I’m not that bad – just clumsy with things & I trip upstairs a lot but not all the time! I don’t have total body numbness – just in various parts of my leg and my abdomen.

I just don’t know how to feel. I’ve been ill for so long I have almost got used to it! I’m off sick from work to try to get my head around it and feeling guilty for it because I haven’t been diagnosed even!! I’m just feeling very emotional - crying all the time!

Any advice/support – SYMPATHY!!! (Lol) - would be so welcome at this point! xxxxx

PS I did warn you it was a long one!! x

Hi Kizzy,

First off, there are a lot of conditions that can mimic MS (more than 100, my neurologist told me), so it still might not be that.

MS is a diagnosis of exclusion, which means it can only be diagnosed when all other explanations have been ruled out.

Having said that, I can appreciate that finding you're being investigated for it at all can come as a big shock, even when commonsense tells you you haven't been well for years.

Please don't blame yourself for not "smelling a rat" sooner.  Early symptoms of MS are often vague and intermittent - sometimes for years - and DON'T conform to an obvious pattern.  It makes perfect sense that you would have thought most things, if not all of them, were connected with injuries from your car accident.

Spinal injuries can cause a lot of the same symptoms, so most people would have thought the same!

I've never had a spinal injury, that I know of, but believe me, I've found countless ways, over the years, to explain things I now realise must have been the start of MS.  Even down to blaming my chair, my bed, and my shoes!

But this isn't silly, it's normal.  Only a hypochondriac would think: "I bet I must have MS" at the first sign of trouble, because statistically, it's very unlikely, and it's far more reasonable to blame more obvious things.

I don't know if you will find it any help, but one technique I used, when I was in the position you're in, was to remind myself: "Whatever it is, I've had it for years - and I have COPED".

Looking back, like you, I could see odd things dating back years.  But on the positive side, that meant: "This doesn't swiftly kill me, whatever it is.  The chances are, I've had it for years - it didn't come on overnight.  If I do have something nasty, then I've already had it a long time, and I'm still the same person!  The only difference is knowledge."

And yes, as the truth turned out, I did have something nasty: MS.  But I'm sure I had it waaaaay before I ever went to the appointment confirming it.

You know you've been ill.  Naming it won't change that.  But knowledge is power, so I hope you don't have to wait too long for answers.

Tina

x

Hiya..I can empathise with you on all that you have written..I too had a RTA in 1994 and although there were affects from this re my walking/spine and neck I have had bladder probs since 1997, vertigo since 2010 and I cant tolerate heat either..a trip to ohio in usa in 2001 left me in hospital after 4 days with severe PID(thrush that spreads to the whole pelvic) never had that before..recent probs with my eyes optic neuritis etc and like you odd things happening with my eyes/eye lids and my vison is wavey either up and down or left to right...eye neuros are investigating and have had a brain mri and awaiting appt end march. I too have suspected glucoma in my left eye and am being monitored no drops as yet and although this can cause optic neuritis, my glucoma is not so advanced as to cause inflamation to the optic nerve.

 

Have you though about an nitial private appt with a neuro? maybe transfer to se the same dr on nhs? 12 wks seems a long time to wait considering its urgent and its good you are having the mri soon. The eye neuros are talking inflamation of the brain but wont be specific at this stage but have ruled out a tunour..

do let us know how you get on..and we are all here to support each other..

Hello, and welcome to the site happy2

 

Tina's already given you some great info and a brilliant piece of advice: "Whatever it is, [you]'ve had it for years - and [you] have COPED." Try to hold onto that thought!

 

It does seem crazy that we can see medics umpteen times before someone finally works out that all of these things might be related, but I guess they are only looking at their small part of the puzzle so the big picture gets missed. When you add the fact that we are also finding perfectly plausible reasons for all that's going on, it's no wonder that most MSers can look back and see that their MS had been active for many years before we saw a neuro for the first time.

 

Of course, it may not be MS that's causing your symptoms. As Tina said, there are actually loads of conditions that cause similar symptoms. There are fewer that cause demyelination, but there are still plenty in addition to MS. I have to say though that optic neuritis, L'Hermitte's (the electric shocks when you bend your neck) and the "hug" (the spasms around your torso) are very typical of MS or a related condition. Only the right tests and a neuro will be able to tell for sure though.

 

It's a b***** that you are looking at April for an appointment. Great that the GP is sending you for MRI before that though - it sounds like you've got a good one there! That should speed things up. As scoobie said, you could see the neuro very much quicker if you went private. It usually costs somewhere around £150-£200 and is definitely worth thinking about if you can afford it, although probably best to wait until you know the MRI results will be available. Saying that, there is really no need to rush (other than your piece of mind!) - you've had whatever this is for a long time; it's not going to suddenly get worse!

 

Try and hang in there. And take as long as you need off work! And don't feel guilty for one second!!

 

Karen x

Hi,

Firstly, don't blame yourself, hindsight is very easy.

None of us want to think we have something wrong with us, something causing all these strange and often unxeplainable symptoms. Your reaction, being emotional and crying is completely normal, something I have done a lot of as I'm sure have many others.  Your appointment with your GP will have given you so much to think about, a lot you probably don't want to.  As Tina says, knowledge is power, when you know what it is causing all these symptoms you can begin to deal with it. With help, advice and support you can get through it. Your GP has done the right thing ordering your scan in the mean time, and If you do have the option of a private appointment with neuro maybe it would help, something you could discuss with your GP. I don't know how it works in your area and again you could speak to your GP about it but maybe a chat with the Neurology Specialist Nurses at your local hospital would help.  Just talking to someone who can answer a few questions can help.

I am new to this site too, it is just great to know that when you think you are, you are not alone, people understand and many have knowledge and advice they are willing to share. Just getting your thoughts down can help.

Thinking of you

xxx

Hi Kizzy

I, like you are waiting for a diagnosis. I am glad your GP has referred you for an urgent appointment. It sounds like you have some of the symptoms I have - pins and needles, weakness in leg, optic neuritis etc.  Looking at posts on this site has helped me realise that MS, if that is what it is, has many forms and symptoms. I was first referred to a Neurologist in February 2011 and they have been ruling out all the other options first, of which there are many. Please be patient when you see Neurology as, as Anitra says, they have to rule every else out first. I have now got to that stage, having had MRI's in August and October last year, now they are going for the lumbar puncture. Its amazing how many conditions you can find for systems like this. I hope you get your appointment soon.

 

Bw

Saffie 

Hi again..sorry if my spelling was bad in my previous post..trying to write using one eye isnt easy..am sure you can relate to this..as I empthise with your probs re eyes and colour esp being a artist. I work for myself in animal behaviour and just as well things are not busy at minute as i would really struggle..to focus at the pc for very long etc.. I think karen and others have echoed what I put earlier plus some very good advice too..so hope this all helps you as you go trhough this sometimes long process..its a positive step you have come on here..and others say it may or may not be MS and ultimately we all need answers and a diagnosis, whatever that may be..and it still surprises me that drs do miss the bigger picture especially with those of us with other existing and past probs p..as they can be a distracting  and not always helpful..

let us know how you get on..

emx

have you asked if you have a spinal syrinx as they are very comman after a car accident, they can cause all sorts of problems

 

Hi All

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond! I’ve been feeling totally mad (my hubby says that’s nothing new!). Your comments have certainly calmed me down a bit!

Tina & Karen you are so right – I’ve been seeing several specialists over the last 3 years to rule lots of other things out – my GP explained that neurology is the next route due to what they now think has been Optic Neuritis & the two big episodes with my chest & abdomen. My GP also said this sounds very much like the MS Hug – does anyone else get it like this? These added to all the other symptoms I suppose it would make sense to rule MS out too! Hopefully it’s not all connected. I’m hoping it’s not something like MS – I’m still thinking spinal issues and that the spine surgeon is wrong/has missed something to be honest! Yes I have coped and I will cope with whatever it turns out to be x

I've bee struggling with work over the last 18 months because of the tiredness. I have also been making quite a few ridiculous mistakes and getting stressed over things I would normally take in my stride. Should I let them know what the GP etc have said about it possibly being MS and ask them to bear with me until I find out for definite one way or another? Or should I keep quiet about it? They have always been supportive of my back disability but with all these other symptoms impacting on my work I'm afraid they will get fed up of me 8(

Scoobie I mentioned private to the GP and she advised against it – apparently the consultant I’m down to see is supposed to be one of the best around here and she called them while I was there to ask if there was anyway I could be seen sooner – they said they would see what they could do so hopefully it might not take the full 12 weeks. It’s strange, the worry about Glaucoma seems to have taken a back seat with me now! I’ve always been so paranoid about it as my Mother & Aunt both have the severe one and I see what a devastating effect it can have. Being an artist my eyesight means so much to me – it’s my ultimate plan for when I retire! The optician said that the pressure behind my eye is not related to ON and he is treating it separately. I have another appointment next week so I think he is just keeping a close eye on it (pardon the pun!) x

Beccabi – knowledge is definitely power – it’s the uncertainty that is probably the worst thing because with that comes imagination & fear!  Yes, just writing my post yesterday & reading all your responses has already made me feel less isolated x

Saffie that’s a long time to still be waiting x what else are they looking for? X

Sorry but so I want to ask you so many questions!

Wouldn’t something have shown on the MRI they did recently on my thoracic region? They only mentioned the slightly bulging discs although the Ortho doc has said in his letter he is sending it to an MSK Radiologist (??) for a report. To be honest the whole MRI experience was a bit of a nightmare. I initially went for a full spinal the first time then had a letter saying they wanted to repeat it with contrast as something had shown up. The following week I turned up to find the scanner in a portacabin in the car park as they were having a new one as the old one was breaking down all the time. The nurse then said that there was nothing on my form to say I should have it with contrast and that the doc who had requested it had left!  She said my previous one was unreadable because I must have moved or the scanner was on the blink. So they did it again without contrast - but just my thoracic area this time. I have no idea whether that showed anything other than the discs!

Should the brain scan the GP is referring me for be with contrast or without? Shouldn’t she also send me for a scan of my neck & rest of my spine?

Thanks again for this suppor - it really means a lot! xxxxxxxx

The MS hug is quite common. It's caused by a spinal lesion which makes the muscles between the ribs go into spasm. A muscle relaxant (e.g. baclofen) can help with it, if it becomes a problem.

 

Should you tell your work?: I would say yes, but you don't have to.

 

Pretty much all consultants also see people privately. If the consultant that your GP has recommended does private appointments, then you could probably see him within a couple of weeks. He would transfer you to his NHS list for any tests.

 

Definitely a good idea to keep pursuing the glaucoma possibility - as you know, it's not something to muck about with.

 

It's possible that something showed on your recent scan, especially as the original doctor wanted the scan repeated with contrast. Spinal lesions are notoriously difficult to find on MRI though. An MSK radiologist is a musculoskeletal radiologist - basically a radiologist who specialises in musculoskeletal imaging.

 

Ideally, the MRI you are now going for should be of your brain and cervical and thoracic spine as well as with and without contrast. (A lot of neuros only check the brain and cervical spine though.) Contrast helps to show up newly forming, "active" lesions that can be hard to see without contrast. (Active lesions relate to symptoms that have begun within the past couple of months.)

 

I think that covers it all!

Karen x

Hi All x

Does anyone know what this means? It's from a letter from the ortho spina consultant who suggested investigating me for a demyelating disease.

In it he says I have "a very disturbed range and rhythm of her lumbar spine"; "decreased sensation on entire left side from breast downwards to fine touch and pinprick"; and this - "Jerks are exaggerated" ?

Are the 'jerks' the reflexes??

 

Jen xxx

hey jen..glad you are feeling a bit better..and its wise to keep an eye on the glucoma but for it to affect the optic nerve you would expect there to be 20 to 40% field vision loss..or thats how i interpreted the info I have read up on glucoma. My dad has it and his mum had it too..and although i am a twin my sister does not have anyraised pressure in her eyes. So yes close monitoring from the eye docs on that and they dont like to start you on the drop until absolutely necessary. Am sure you will know al about that in any case.

 

My recent brain mri was not with contrast. Sorry to hear you were messed about in your last mri scans..its just not good enough in my view..my mis communication for the refering dr..didnt help.

I think its a good idea to keep an open mind as to whether you may have MS..but it sounds like all other possibilities have ben investigated..but if feel that is not the case then you are entitled to a second opinion on your existing probs caused by the original rta. I think i get the ms hug to..its very painful around my ribs and waist and I cannot move or breath and it feels like a bad spasm to me..I always put it down to using the wheelchair and my posture perhaps..but after reading others accounts and descriptions ..its spookily simillar..;-(.. Karen will prob be able to enlghten you re th e jerks thing and stuff..

 

keep us updated.. and keep smiling..

em

Hi Em - thank you ! 8)

I'm afraid I'm a bit 'mistrusting' of the hospital where I had the scan as well!

They (various doctors) and our local GP's misdiagnoesd my sister.

First of all they kept telling her she had a virus - then that she was menopausal & put her on HRT - then they said she had carpal tunnel syndrome & operated on her only to discover she didn't have it after all - then eventually they told her it was all in her mind and gave her anti depressants.

All the while she was deteriorating rapidly - they misread every single test and xray - this went on for 18 months!!!

Eventually she went to a new hospital and they found a massive tumour in her chest - the doctor at the time told us it was the size of a small melon!! She had Non Hodgkins Lymphoma and was very very lucky to survive xxxx

“a very disturbed range and rhythm of her lumbar spine”: I hadn’t heard this before so did a quick google. I think it means the way your lumbar spine moves when you do things like bend over

“decreased sensation on entire left side from breast downwards to fine touch and pinprick”: your left side is a bit numb. The fact it starts from your breast means that the problem is probably somewhere in the lower cervical or higher thoracic spine.

“Jerks are exaggerated”: your reflexes are bigger than normal.

Something’s definitely going on

Karen x

hey Jen..omg..what a disater re your sisters treatment..i completely understand your lack of faith in the NHS..even so the process you are going through sounds very different to your sisters and a different area of medicine altogether..that does not dismiss your sisters terrible and unforgivable road to diagnosis..but please be assured that the tests you have had and are having are being done for a reason, to exclude other causes and to narrow down the possibilities also..

I think they main aspect for you is knowing and understanding what symptoms are due to the original rta and what may be related to what they are investigating you now for..and whatever the outcome is..you can make sense of it all..and move forward..we as patients know our bodies best but Drs dont always look at the picture in the same way..I know its an uncertain time for you in lots of ways..hang in there.

Em x

 

 

 

Hi All

I've had another shock today!! 8(

 

At my annual optometrist check up 3 weeks ago my eye pressure was 30 and 28 , I went back today and it was 27 and 26. I had extensive tests and an extremely thorough examination and he told me I have glaucoma in the left eye and is referring me to the hospital asap!!!!!
 
Can he/they (the other optometrist agreed) actually diagnose me?
 
Apparently my peripheral vision tests have been showing a problem the last few tests but he thinks this is not due to the glaucoma but due to optic neuritis (?) he said again that he believes I have had ON a few times in the past and it had been missed for various reasons - mainly by my old GP. Today my Optic Nerve is not badly inflamed but he said it does not 'look right'
 
He sayse he is contacting my GP again to push for a brain scan and Neurologist appointment sooner. 
 
I think I'm in shock again!!! - I just don't want to believe any of it !! 8((
 
Jen xxx

 

Eww! I don't know how the text got so big!! I must stop fiddling with the icons up the top!! xxx

Well, definitely best to get the glaucoma diagnosis sooner rather than later I guess - there are good treatments for it I think?

Let's hope that your GP can get you an earlier appointment with the neuro, but the glaucoma has to be the priority - MS (if it is) isn't going anywhere in a hurry after all.

Karen x

 

Hiya.sorry youve had another shock.but yes best to get the gllaucoma sorted, if your field vsiosn tests results are not due to glucoma I doubt they will start you on the life long drops. Glaucoma is a very slow to progress but you need your pressures checked at least every 6 mths and field vision tests every 6mths too..The drops will help keep the pressure down and halt any poss future damage to the optic nerve..(which is not reversable)

My optihalmic dr said also my optic nerve didnt look right in my left eye(suspected glaucoma ) but at that point I didnt have ON..(nov 2011) my eye dr is reluctant to start me on the drops just yet but back beg march for another field vision test and they will decide then.

Sounds like your eye dr is on the ball which kind of makes up for your crap gp in the past..lol ?

 

Hope you get your neuro appt and scans soon but yes an Eye dr can ask for these..

Em

 

 

 

Hi all x I’ve just woken up feeling so totally stressed and on the verge of total panic - my stomach is churning and I’m crying my eyes out x

On top of everything, last week, on my way to work a car pulled out and hit me accross the road. I ended up in A&E for 5 hours- X-rays didn’t show a break so they sent me home saying I have typical whiplash. They have now said my car is a write off and they want me to claim for personal injury too.

To be honest the stress of this and the glaucoma dx and all this talk of MS with the docs over the last few weeks has totally floored me - sent me into overdrive - I can’t seem to think straight!

I went for a doctors paper yesterday to go back to work and the GP refused to let me go back. He has signed me off sick for another 4 weeks putting neck and lower back pain on it. I wanted to go back to work Monday but he kept saying that I have a lot going on and that he wouldn’t let me go back until I have seen my regular doctor again - the one who is referring me for the urgent brain scan etc x he kept saying i need to talk to her again I pushed a bit but he just kept repeating that he thinks I should wait to speak to her as he is not my usual doctor and insisted i not go back to work as she wants to see me. I asked if it was about the glaucoma and he said no they hadn’t had the letter from the optician yet

I don’t know why I’m in such a state this morning. Everything has been going round and round in my head!

I had to phone work yesterday to let them know and i ended up blurting out that the and docs think i may have MS to my immediate boss. I then had to explain to my big boss, then personnel and then my immediate work colleagues. It all turned into a huge big thing!!! Everyone was very supportive but i just felt like a drama queen - i havent been diagnosed yet for gooness sake! What if i really am just menopausal or something despite all the docs saying im not!!

I just don’t know what’s wrong with me this morning. I’ve been feeling very stressed for a long while because I have been feeling I’ll for so long with all sorts of problems Im imagining that everyone is fed up of me.

I’m so so damn tired, my legs ache and my whole body feels as stiff as a board, my eye is still twitching like mad and lights are flashing constantly to the left of my vison - this has gone on for months and I just feel like I’m losing my mind x having a breakdown x

I got in such a state in the opticians I keep thinking they have made a mistake, that my visual field test came back bad because of this and that my pressure was so high because of stress as well. They said my visual field problems are not related to the glaucoma but are neurological. What if it was all because I was stressed - maybe I need another one under calmer circumstances?

I keep thinking the docs are all wrong too - that there is nothing really wrong with me, that all this is in my head because I’m totally nuts and a drama queen and that I’m making myself ill x I’m just crying all the time x

My lovely hubby has gone and booked a nice meal for us tonight and a night in a hotel to cheer me up - I don’t want to go - not just because im feeling so bad physically but because im worried if people see me they will think I’m a malingerer!! I’ve just got all this stuff going round in my head all the time! This horrible feeing of knowing something is wrong with me but not knowing if you know what I mean!! I just want my mind to be QUIET !!!

I just keep thinking -Run away run away!! xxx