I’m ready to give up

Everyday living
1

Sorry about the negative heading…but dramatic I know!

However, as the months turn into years living with this illness and the symptoms gradually increase and no longer disappear (16 years diagnosed), life just feels a constant struggle.

Since being diagnosed at 29, I’ve been a stubborn fit. Always telling myself, others and this disease that nothing will stop me reaching my goals and dreams.

In fact, my diagnosis even gave me the extra impetus and drive to make some of them happen.

However, broken marriage, relationship breakdowns, the constant defensiveness of myself and also insistence for being as independent as I possible can and created a person I no longer recognise in the mirror.

I feel that the majority of my symptoms are not extreme in terms of physically noticeable…I have a slight limp but on the whole, most people have no idea I even have MS.

However, fatigue is now one of my biggest nemesis, along with spasticity, emotional changes that make no sense (no emotion to deep depression), complete lack of sex drive and ability to show love.

At times, I just want to be on my own, away from everyone and not be a burden…at the same time, I don’t have the energy to have to explain why I’m the way I am. Why my mood is the way it is.

I’ve never given in. I’ve started my own businesses. I recently managed to secure a mid 6 figure investment into my new venture…I’m driven to be the very best I can be.

Yet, just as I get some momentum…the f****r of an I’ll was let’s me know who’s in charge.

If it wasn’t for my daughter, I honestly don’t know if I would still be here.

I thought I had found love again until all the old problems resurfaced. The funny or better still….ironic thing….I totally get why she is happy.
Who wants to put up with this shit?

Who wants to be in a relationship at 40 with no intimacy, no adventure and no fun future to look forward to?

I’m 44 but at times I feel 74.

Rant & moan over. I don’t like feeling sorry for myself but for the first time in 16 years, I finally feel worn down and scared for the future as I potentially move into the next stage of this illness.

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Hi,
I can totally understand your frustration and after 16 years, you could do with a good rant and moan. This condition is pretty rubbish and all consuming.
You seem to have put on a hard “I can cope” exterior and a “I can beat this MS” attitude for a long while. It sounds like it hasn’t really worked for you and you have created a person you don’t recognise, because it’s probably not the real you.
Instead of giving up have you considered giving in to the real (Not stubborn, impetus or driven) you. This you may be more approachable, lovable and less tough. Would just accepting that you have this crap illness help? There is still chances for adventure, fun and relationships ahead. Many people aren’t looking for sex, just a special person to be with, if you are brave enough to try and make changes - the future could be good.
I am no specialist but a fellow MS sufferer - none of us know the future but our attitude towards life & other people might help things be brighter.
I’m sure your daughter would love to see you happy & full-filled whatever your mobility. I’m not sure if I am allowed to reply like this, but I wish you all the best.

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A good (in my opinion) response from Nickie182. I am not as eloquent, but I can understand your frustration and anger with this (removed by moderator) of a disease.
Thank goodness for your daughter. You have every right to rant, and this is a good place to go for it. As for feeling sorry for yourself, that too is reasonable, provided it does not take over.
Wishing you & your daughter all the best.
Mick

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I have to agree with Nickie on this one. Openly acknowledging that you have a really sucky degenerative disease isn’t giving up; it’s facing reality.

I really think that I’ve had an advantage over most people because it took most of my life to get a diagnosis. I adapted to my body’s shortcomings because I really had no choice. When you don’t have a diagnosis, no one wants to hear that you’re sick, but at the same time you have to deal with what you can no longer do or only do in limited quantities. I learned that I wasn’t helping anyone by pushing myself too hard.

Ending a long-term relationship is always difficult, particularly when children are involved. I think that right now you’re combining that grief with your MS issues, and of course it’s overwhelming! Try to separate them in your mind. “I am divorced now” and “I have MS”. Think of them in the same way you’d say “I have brown hair, wear glasses, and am a skilled accountant.” None of those things individually define you; they’re all just part of what makes you YOU. You are a successful businessman, a loving father, and having MS doesn’t change those things. It’s just a part of it.

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Sometimes it’s just the sheer relentlessness, isn’t it? I am sorry that life looks bleak just now.

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Hi SP, like all of us, a rant often does you good…especially as you dont want to admit your true feelings to anyone else.

May I be quite blunt? I say this because last year I couldnt see any way forward for myself…after 23 years of living with chronic PPMS…and having waited 22 years for a diagnosis, I felt I’d had enough.

Prior to this, I reckon I’d coped pretty well…still kept my bubbly outgoing personality, despite being doubly incontinent, paraplegic and relying heavily on hubby and carers for so many personal things.

You do sound to be beating yourself up a lot, despite MS not being your fault…it chose you…you didnt choose it! I truly think that if you ease up on your self, tell yourself it’s ok to feel tired, overwhelmed or whatever, you would benefit.

We can all be our own worst enemy at times…you already know this, eh?

Take a good rest, re-think and dont try to be the best all the time…just be.

The thing that helped me sort my mind out was Jesus…he came to me…Not everyone’s ideal, but defo mine.

Best wishes Boudsx

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