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How to comfort my partner

I have recently been diagnosed with ms and my parter doesn’t understand why its happened to me… such a good person etc. I have said no body deserves it butdon’t know how-to comfort him. I’m pretty ok with the diagnosis so far and feel positive. Does anybody have any info on how to make him feel better about it all. Thank you xx

hi jess

wow, you are such a kind and thoughtful person.

take your time because you are probably going through the coming to terms with it all stage.

acceptance usually comes after rage and grief so you may well have these later.

as for making him feel better about it all, just thank him for the compliments (you’re such a good person etc), then move on.

he will have to move on with you.

lead by example.

i totally get you, i felt remarkably well after my diagnosis and my social life had never been better!

so enjoy what today brings.

live in the moment!

as long as they are good moments!

carole x

Hi Jess

I don’t to be honest see why you should be comforting your boyfriend, when you’re the one who’s been diagnosed.

Clearly a diagnosis affects our nearest and dearest, and sometimes it seems easier to be the one with MS rather than the partner of someone diagnosed. But all the same, he should be thinking about how he can support you, not vice versa.

Perhaps you need to guide him towards this website. If he understands more about MS, the symptoms, treatments and prognosis, he’ll accept it as just being part of your lives.

You’re sounding remarkably positive and upbeat about it. You may find that over time this state of affairs won’t continue. The fact is that it’s bloody bad luck that you’ve been diagnosed. However good the treatments, you’ll find over time that it can be challenging.

Best of luck.

Sue

Hi Jess,

Sorry to hear you’ve been diagnosed, but well done for coping so well with it and for your strength and positivity - I’m currently awaiting diagnosis but have been feeling similar and have generally had the mindset “it’s not ideal but it is what it is”!

I’m wondering if your boyfriend would benefit from knowing more about MS and hearing the positive stories of those that have been diagnosed? My husband has been a fantastic support but he’s struggled at times, usually because he doesn’t understand what’s happening or what different terms mean, so everything seems a lot scarier to him.

The MS Society and MS Trust websites and twitter feeds both contain positive stories and may be worth directing him towards so he can learn that MS is different for everyone and the treatments have come a long way so having MS isn’t as terrifying a prospect as it used to be and doesn’t mean you’ll be wheelchair-bound or your quality of life will take an enormous battering.

Keep your amazing positivity and hopefully once your boyfriend has come to terms with your diagnosis he can provide support to you when you need it :slight_smile:

Sarah

Thank you all for your comments. I think research and positivity is the key really, it’s much scarier being in the dark and only going by what you see in the most progressive forms on tv! Plus it’s all happened so fast. It’s early days and I’m lucky it has been caught so early. Wish you all the best and hope I can give you all some sort of support at some point. Jess xx

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Hi Jess

I can so relate to how you’re feeling. Whilst my partner hides his worries from me most of the time, my parents have been a real challenge. To the extent where I struggle to be honest about any symptoms I have because I know it will make them so sad and worried.

If you have any appointments coming up perhaps bring him along, so that he has a chance to feel involved and ask any questions he might have?

And I really agree it’s best to stay positive! Of course it’s not always possible, but it’s something to keep in mind.

Hanna

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It isn’t uncommon for a person who does have MS dx to spend the early days managing the feelings of a person who doesn’t. And that can be a useful and absorbing displacement activity in those difficult early days, no question. It can be nice to feel like the emotional grown-up rather than the ‘poor person with MS’.

However, if your partner is the man you think he is, he should fairly quickly get a grip and start concentrating on what you need from him rather than the other way around. But some people are better than that than others, frankly. I hope yours is a good 'un.

I am sorry about your dx.

Alison

If the person with m.s. doesn’t want to be fussed over or cared for it poses a problem for the other person who doesn’t have m.s. because he/she may want, in the broadest sense, to take over a more caring role. Is your dilemma that your partner wants to care for you but you stop that happening by making a point of caring for him?

I think overall it’s a case of him being concerned and not selfish but being a man’s man and only every so often shows his real feelings. We’ve been together almost 4 years. I have found he has been researching things and trying to be real positive and strong. But I see how hard it is for both of us, it’s one thing for the person with ms but it really is a struggle for the family and partner to come to terms with it. Don’t get me wrong my partner is so supportive but I’m just such a positive person… Not everyone gets it. Jess xx

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