Hi Sue, the feeling starts in my legs, its a tingle/vibration which intensifies till its in my stomach then chest, as the feeling grows i get agitated to the point i feel out of control. At the same time i think of my wife, where is she, does she think about me at work, does she prefer being at work away from me! Its at that point i get bad, shes my anchor, my sanity, my friend, my life! I love her so much it sometimes hurts and i fear one day she meets someone un broken and uncomplicated. Its that thought process that spins me out of control
Do you talk openly and honestly to your wife about your fears? (I mean completely honestly!)
Having MS can of course screw with your brain regardless of what you know to be true.
But if you’ve told her how often you get this horrible feeling, does it make the panic go away? Assuming she loves you as much as you love her, and tells you that, does it help? Would it help if she were to text you now and then through the day? The ‘just thinking of you xx’ type of text. Not necessarily overly slushy, you can’t demand that someone cares as deeply as you do and is overly demonstrative, but while you are in this crisis point would it help? Or would it just make it worse? (The ‘she’s only doing it because I am so needy, and that’ll push her away more’! Which I don’t believe for a second.)
You’ve said previously that you have a good marriage and family. So I’m sure your wife is worried about and for you too. And really, as if she’s going to go and meet someone better than you? You’re fit, caring, love her to bits, are happy with your ‘lot’ in life (barring the present problem), are faithful (I’m making a big assumption here, but I assume it’s true), really, you’re a sound proposition and she’d be nuts to fall for someone else!!
It also sounds like panic attacks are striking you. Have you looked for techniques to help? Here’s the NHS guidance: Get help with anxiety, fear or panic - NHS some of this might help.
I hope this does help. Honestly, we all know the feeling that our dearly loved partner, wife, husband would be happier with someone else. Someone who doesn’t have f’ing MS and an uncertain future. But discussing it can help. Personally, I insist my husband always sticks the word ‘wonderful’ into his replies to questions about how long we’ve been married, etc. As in 13 ‘wonderful’ years. And together 17 ‘wonderful’ years. I still sometimes wonder how on earth he can be happy with a badly disabled woman with a useless body, bowel and bladder problems and a wheelchair. But he is.
And your wife has so much to be thankful for. Remember that.
Morning- so today is the worst day of my life. My wife tells me she has built a wall between us and is looking at putting her career first and thers no me in that plan as she cant cope with the way i am now, she said that 2 weeks ago she had everything until my depression chat with her and now she has to put work first over family. I’m devastated. Ive no idea what that means but i can guess. When things get tough for her she cuts people off to cope. I know this and have seen it with her churn of friends best friends etc, i live in South Wales but roots and family are in Scotland, i think getting in my car and driving is a good option, we have 2 kids under 7- they will be so hurt by this if it happens. Wtf do i do? I can escape all of this but leave hurt and hate behind. I love my wife to bits, pointless telling her again as i’m suffocating Her! I can stay as is till she increases her work and cones home less to spend time with her new work friends, i suffer! I can take my wee ones with me to visit their gran? I have 3 grown up girls from a previous marriage and still good friends with my ex wife ( my wife now also gets on exceptionally well with her) i talk to her about this cos it scares me that a simple bout of the bad depression and i have lost it all. I’m at my wits end now after thinking i was moving forward.
I’ve had a serious think about what you’ve said and I have some tough talking for you. Others may disagree with me, and that’s OK, but here’s what I’ve thought.
Has your wife only just decided that she doesn’t want to have a marriage, or is this something that’s being brewing for a while?
I’m concerned that she said that she “had everything” until you talked to her about how you felt. That seems a weak excuse for throwing the towel in. As for putting work over her family, that’s a cop out. Why did she marry you you and have children with you?
It sounds to me that it’s your wife who needs some help and that you are taking on the burden for her weakness. And that’s enough to make anyone depressed.
I can see that there is no easy answer and I’m not claiming I have one, but I can only express how things seem to me from here. Do I have a point?
I totally see what Anthony is saying. I cannot for the life of me imagine that a woman was completely happy, and had ‘everything’ until her partner becomes severely depressed.
Why would a person fail to even try and help their partner, the father of her two children?
How has this come from nowhere? Does your wife actually have deep seated problems of her own? Or is she essentially an utterly self centred person? If when things get tough, she moves on, she strikes me as a really rather selfish woman.
I cannot see where you go from here in this relationship. Is she likely to want to stay married to you? If the cloud of depression lifts, will she want to resume her marriage? Or has her career always been in first place?
This has truly come at the wrong time for you. As you are waiting for the antidepressants to actually start working, this bombshell.
I’m sorry Jim, I have no answers for you. No immediate solutions come to mind. Just know that I am thinking of you.
hi jim you could have done without this latest bombshell. my advice is not to do anything in haste because your wife seems to have problems of her own. maintain your best expressions and best words, if only to retain your self respect. also it will help your children’s feeling of security. hopefully she will realise that the marriage wasn’t broken, just a small crack or chip off it. be strong jim, be the better man which is what we believe you are.
I have just read this thread from the start. I am not having the best time at the moment, but your start of 10 years ok was great to read.
I am not good with words ( I am dislexic)
you started with being open about being depressed. I assume from the support always given on here most members truly get it.
you have shared, been open & got straight forward support. Uncomplicated & heart felt.
in relationships outside of this special place people don’t understand. They may be empathetic, they may be understanding, or they could not ‘get it’.
just because people on this forum ‘get it’ it doesn’t mean your wife will. People on this forum live with having ms that’s why they understand. Your wife lives with you, loves you, but Is it possible that she is hearing something different to what you were trying to explain? Is her focus on working more about trying to take pressure off you ?
i have huge respect for your openness about how you really feel.
big big hugs, please belive you can find a way forward.
Hi FiBo, great that you have posted. From reading this forum for some time I think you are more likely to get useful responses if you start a new thread. Welcome.
You probably don’t realise this, but you’ve joined your post onto the end of a long thread that’s been about something different (I realise that Jim started it with the fact that he was new to the forum too, but it has been more to do with his severe depression.)
What is probably a good idea is for you to start a new thread altogether. What you do is to hit the button marked New Thread, give it a title and then post whatever takes your fancy. People will then respond to you.
Meanwhile, I think your consultant is a pig. As if having MS isn’t bad enough without that. I’m not at all surprised you’ve been upset by that. Perhaps if you do start a new thread, you can tell us what he thought you were inventing? Also, if you tell us roughly in the country you are living, there maybe an alternative neurologist for you to try and switch to? Someone could recommend a neurologist in a private message if we knew your rough location. (Obviously don’t use the name of the consultant you’ve had such a bad experience with.)