My husband has PPMS and was diagnosed 15 years ago and was pensioned off soon after . Prior to diagnosis he always held a managerial job, the problem is he still thinks he is capable of making decisions and this is making our lives a disaster because he won’t accept that his decision making has been affected by MS . He also resents the fact that I can see solutions and a more sensible way forward . He becomes very aggressive when I try to reason with him , hence I always give in.He has made some disastrous decisions so far that have virtually made us bankrupt. I am so unhappy and don’t know what to do.
Oh how sad.
You have much sympathy, neither you nor he can be very happy with the situation. Have you spoken to your GP about the situation? It sounds as though maybe you need to investigate Power of Attorney in order that you can manage to take control of the reins. But, it’s not always as easy as just saying it, you need to have concrete evidence that his cognitive ability is impaired by the MS. Which means, the neurologist, your GP, anyone else involved with his care who knows you both and who can work with you on some kind of resolution to the issues you are facing.
Do you have a good relationship with your GP? And do they know the problem? Do you have an MS nurse? Have a look on th Internet icon how you go about getting power of attorney.
But that’s not the end of the problem. Taking hold of the family finances isn’t going to help alone. Do you have children who can help out? Or old friends who can back you up, in a non confrontational way? Do you have any social services involvement? Or outreach nursing?
I’m struggling to find any more suggestions. I know it’s not as easy as just getting legal control. It’s always very sad seeing someone who was a clear thinker, financially and socially aware, losing something of what they have been all their life. Maybe someone else will have more ideas to offer.
Sue
1 Like
MS can be awfully like getting old, just a bit early. I am afraid that this applies with bells on to cognitive powers. I think I read somewhere that cognitive (rather than physical) incapacity was often the main reason that employers needed to turn MSer employees out into the big field - that was so in my case, certainly.
And it is a very, very painful thing to accept - my friends are used to me snarling and cursing far more about how stupid MS has made me than I do about how much it hampers my ability to see/get around etc.
At the risk of sounding (and being) sexist, I sometimes think that sort of thing is even harder for a man to bear - particularly a man who has prided himself on his mental grip and held responsible and senior jobs - and has drawn much of his confidence and sense of self from that and everything that goes with it - money, respect of peers, position in the world etc. From what you say, it does sound as though your husband is raging against the fading of his powers and is finding it hard to face up to hard facts.
I wish I knew what to suggest to you - you are in a horrid situation and I sense that your natural and kind wish not to confront him with the reality of his cognitive decline - your anxiety not to rub his nose in it, in other words - is in conflict with the real fear that his pig-headedness with lead you both to shipwreck.
Is there a trusted mutual friend or close family member whom he might listen to? Someone he trusts and whose judgement he respects? Someone he might be prepared to hear hard facts from? But no doubt you have been through all that.
I do wish things were easier for you both and wish I had more to offer than sympathy.
Good luck.
Alison
I’m making terrible errors for judgement, Especially when stressed. I used to be able to navigate and now I can’t.i buy things and then really regret them. As wise Alison wrote, it is like getting old. In my case old and confused. Its very upsetting. I’m still RRMS. Non progressive.but…who knows what’s lurking…
Ssues advice is brilliant too. Ver best wishes to you both.ni hope you manage to work something out xx
Hi Jennilin,
Dear oh dear,
You are between a rock and a hard place; all the advice you have been given is top notch.
The only extra I can suggest is to contact the Disabled Law Service; it’s free for members of the MS Society http://dls.org.uk/ They can advise and help you with getting Power of Attorney.
All the luck in the world; your message makes me feel like a charlatan sitting here in my wheelchair.
George