Hiya, first post here. I’ve had a couple of tricky situations and I wanted to know if anyone had any tips. My dad has had ms for over 30 years and his health has deteriorated in the last few years. In the last month he was taken to hospital for sepsis after he had a bad UTI. I live around 2 hours away and have just started a new job so commuted back and forth for a while so I could help get him settled back home. Everything seemed to be fine and I went back to my house. Now, I’ve realized all the care I arranged for him is falling apart. His carers weren’t helping him with his meds so he forgot them. Hospital transport never showed up so he missed appointments. When he got to one on his mobility scooter, he was so exhausted they couldn’t get him onto a table for examination so he couldn’t get anything done. Now he has to miss his infusion. I’m at a bit of a loss of what to do. I feel like I should move home to care for him, but that would mean quitting my job and having to break off my engagement. Does anyone have any advice of what to do? I don’t know how to have my own life and make sure my dad is well. I feel selfish, but I’m only in my early 20s and have no idea how to handle all of this stuff and navigate these systems.
You have a tough dilemma: choose your quality of life over his.
Either commit your time and do it yourself or commit money to pay someone else to do it for you.
How mobile is he? Fully sedentary or can he walk a few paces? Can he cook or prepare his own food?
Certain things could help. I may be the one with PPMS but my 94yo Dad is the one who needs help. Can your Dad use a smart phone?
Put in a camera so you can see him. We got my Dad a Facebook Portal so we can see him and talk with him but he has to answer it. Video doorbell too with intercom + electromagnetic door release.
Dad has an Audar watch which enables us to monitor his vital signs remotely (set it to 1, 2, 4hr intervals) and fall detection. £136 + £25 pa after 1st year.
Hi @cdlynch2001 would it work if you were able to take time off work to get him to medical appointments? I’m thinking that these must be known well in advance?
when my Dad reached ‘old’ old age (in his 90s) my sisters and I who all lived some distance from him put various things in place. The first being ‘Tapo’ cameras around the house - a bit intrusive but we could watch him at any point/time and he was happy to have them in case he fell ( which he did from time to time). We would also FaceTime him several times a day just to chat and check in with him. It meant that we had to buy him an iPad but all he had to do was answer when we called. Also one of those tablet/pill containers in which one of us who lived nearest would put his tablets for each day ( by FaceTime one of us could then ask ‘have you taken today’s pills’.)
You are not selfish and you have your life to live. If you’re in your early 20s, what’s your dad - 50s? If you give up your life to go home and look after him now, you might wake up one morning in your childhood bedroom and find that you are now in your 50s too and your life has passed you by. Look, I know it’s not as black and white as that, but you take my point.
I think you do what you can at arm’s length with occasional visits. Make sure Adult Social Care are fully involved (are they already?) Don’t let them sense weakness or they’ll cheerfully dump all the responsibility on you if you let them. What does your dad want? If he’s the man I hope he is, he won’t want to hamstring your young life and will be prepared to accept help from Social Services or private providers if he can pay for it himself, or agree to move into more supported care if he cannot manage on his own any more even with carers coming in. What about the other adults in his life? Other friends and family? Where are they in all this?
There are absolutely no easy answers to this bad situation. All I can say is that you shouldn’t let it all fall on your shoulders or feel that you ought to.