i’ve only just read your post as i am a new member, the last 12 months my life has been turned upside down too, dont think i’ll ever accept i have ms either. Someone somewhere has snatched a little bit of me a way
i’m still waiting for med s as the hospital i was under the ms specialist left so i had to be transferred im now waiting for 2nd mri which the new consultant has requested.
Someone somewhere has snatched a little bit of me away ,i’ve gone from a bubbly person to someone that doesn’t want to step out of the house, i’m hoping the “grieving process” becomes easier and i learn to live a little with the fact i have ms 
i find it hard to see how people with ms who write on here stay so positive but i hope one day to be like them !!!
sue x
just to add to the discussion about LDN.
my gp is fantastic so i took him loads of stuff i’d printed off from the internet. he said it was interesting but he could not prescribe it. i had to get a prescription from a private doctor.
once i’d started taking it i told my gp and he wanted to be kept updated.
a year later my gp started to prescribe it for me.
and steph - i also went through a raging, cussing, crying period.
you need to be looking after yourself, so cry, swear, rage etc. one day you’ll notice yourself feeling happy again.
just hang on in there
carole x
Hey Steph,
My other half pointed me in the direction of your post as he felt it sounded like I was going through much the same emotions - I guess hes right. I was diagnosed in 1999 (aged 13) with M.E. Things improved over the years but it never seemed to go away completely so I accepted that was as good as I was gonna get. Last Sept, I decided it was time for change and like yourself, started a (part-time) degree after one failed previous attempt at full-time due to my illness. Towards the end of last year, weird stuff started happening, raising alarm bells. I gave into my stubborness and eventually went to my GP who sent me straight to a neuro. To cut a long story short, I was diagnosed with MS in March this year (i’m 27 now).
What you said here rings true. MS was never once suggested to me until the day the neuro landed me with the diagnosis, immediately saying “It’s ok MS isnt all about wheelchairs or walking sticks, you’ll learn to live with it. You can still go onto get married and have children and lead a normal life”. I understand this was supposed to be some sort of reassurance but it was a failed attempt as all the above had never even crossed my mind at the time! Everyone seemed to expect me to fall apart, but I never really did, in a way I was sort of relieved that the weird symptoms were nothing more sinister. I went through a period at the start where I felt I had to live my life to its fullest just in case things took a turn for the worst - now I just feel numb most of the time, like its all still very surreal and I can’t believe its actually happened to me. Somedays I try to carry on as normal then I’ll get hit with the realisation that this will never go away. It’s rarely “just in the background”, its always on my mind. I think over time it will all become second nature, and probably be less in my thoughts as its still early days.
One of the strangest feelings I had was when I lost sensation on my side and was told it would probably never return. All i could think was I’m 27, what else will be gone by the time im 37?! Now I’ve come to terms with that, I see its annoying but really could be so much worse. I am also on rebif 44, great that I think it is actually helping me, however I hate how irritable it makes me and leaves me feeling like i’m rarely myself anymore (but if it helps I guess it’s a small price to pay!).
I really hope you fight to get back into Uni if you’re able for it, I find it gives me such a confidence boost and keeps my brain ticking over. Determined to finish it one way or another just to feel like I’ve achieved something 
Sorry about the essay, but its nice to see that someone else is feeling the same way. Hope you’ve recovered from your relapse,
Ruth
Ruth i sent you a private mail.
s