Well it’s some time since I was last here. I felt at the time like an imposter of someone who had MS. To be honest, in the back of my mind I still do. Despite having been diagnosed in 2009 with RRMS following a CIS (in the course of which, two failed lumbar punctures at Charing Cross Hospital when they lost one or both the samples on both occasions), and after a brief pre-emptive flirtation with Tecfidera 2015-16 I don’t think I have ever really come to terms with it. Yes I have felt like utter crap some days (that’s just getting older right?), and had a bit of a wobble in 2014 when things went a bit out of control for a short while but I started running. I had got fit; possibly the fittest I had ever been in my entire life. I have a wonderful family who gave me much joy (and still do). Work was good and under my control. I got all my shit back together and then some. MS? What the hell is that?.. But it’s amazing how quickly things can come crashing down around your ears.
Now the ‘wobble’ has come back with a vengeance; since, probably, last summer. Work got crap at the end of 2016 when I was asked to take yet more stuff on - the downside of being good at what you do. I have spent just over a year being stressed to the eyeballs when I had previously been carefully managing all that after the first wobble. Last summer, I collapsed at a theme park. That was the start really. The ‘feeling like crap’ days seemed more numerous and I nearly collapsed again out on a run. The fitness fell away and just didn’t seem as attractive anymore. Then worse things seemed to be happening. I think (still not sure) I was/am having the ‘hug’ on a fairly regular basis for several months. Teamed with the stress and creeping anxiety, I was convinced my heart was packing up on me. Thankfully I have been fast tracked through cardiology who have basically told me to stop being so daft. Now I am getting burning in my lower legs, paraesthesia, woolly head, affected decision making. I just feel really weird a lot of the time (well, more so than normal).
I think it’s time to acknowledge that this is perhaps my first proper relapse. But it’s so intertwined with stress and acute anxiety I don’t know what to make of it all. My annual check up with the neurologist is next month but I don’t actually know who that is anymore as I’ve been told by my GP that the previous one has moved on. The unit has never seemed particularly approachable in any case. I am the world’s worst taker of medication (bar my better half) - if I can avoid taking anything I will. I HATED the side effects of the Tec. But I’m at that point now that I feel I have to do something, take something to make me feel better. Life is all of a sudden starting to feel very bleak. I don’t get on with winter much anyway (never have done really) and it could just be winter blues but I’m a bit concerned that burying my head in the sand with this condition hasn’t done me any favours.
Anyway, unloaded. Any sensible views welcomed although I’m not at all clear what I’m looking for. “Get a bloody life” is my standard internal advice but it appears as though my left and right brain hemispheres may have stopped talking to each other and skipped the counselling sessions.