Hi all, I am really sorry to have to post this, but I feel so down at the hope moment and the hype of Christmas and now it’s over, has made me feel worse. This has been the worst year ever. I have applied for 37 jobs this year and only got one interview. I keep getting told I need to get experience. I have tried to get experience, but haven’t got anywhere with that either. My self esteem is at an all time low, and I just feel so worthless and that the world would be better without me. I don’t sleep well and struggle to eat. I have no future and hate living off benefits and the horrible stigma that it carries. I also know that the state won’t won’t support me forever and I am very frightend of what will happen when they stop supporting me. I am 28 and I have never had a paid job.
I know that I have family and friends who love me, but I find it hard to understand how anyone could love me, when I hate myself so much. I want to end it all and have thought about doing so for many months, but I know this is selfish and not fair on my family and friends or my dog. I have been self harming a lot though. I feel a strong compulsion to get all this hurt and anger and self loathing out of me somehow and the only way I can do that is by self harming. I don’t want to do this and am deeply ashamed of doing it, but it’s like I can’t stop myself, no matter how hard I try. I have tried counseling and have tried several different anti depressants and nothing has helped. I don’t know what else there is left to try, and I am scared of being sectioned. I am not mad and hate the way I am right now. I used to be such a positive person and was so lively and outgoing. I just wish I knew how to get the old me back. I have lost some of my friends because of who I have become. I am so sorry if this upsets anyone, that is not at all my intention. I just have no one to talk to about how I feel and wondered if writing this would help. xxx
Don’t let admin know. That won’t help. Like I said, I really can’t afford to get sectioned and I am not mad. I just thought writing down my feelings might help xxx
You sound like you are in an a really dark place right now. I understand that you don’t feel that counselling would help, but is there anyone who you might be able to talk to about your self harming and feelings of self loathing.
You say that it wouldn’t be fair on family friends or your dog. Clearly there are people who care about you and about whom you care. It sounds like if these people knew how despondent you are at the present time they would be devastated. Is there anyone amongst these people who you might be able to talk to?
Oliver (forum admin) put a message at the top of the forum which he has titled ‘Merry Christmas …’ This may not seem very relevant to you at the moment but in this message he has said that the MS forum is unfortunately not being staffed over the Xmas and new year period but gives the details for The Samaritans : 'The Samaritans can also be contacted 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Their telephone number for those living in the UK is 116 123. Alternatively, you can email the Samaritans at jo@samaritans.org ’ Perhaps you might give them a call, just so you have someone who might listen to you without judging you or being upset on their own account about your feelings.
If all else fails, keep posting on here, people will generally keep communicating with you.
Hi, there really isn’t anyone I can talk to. I can’t let my family and friends know how I feel. Some of them would worry about me and that’s not fair. Some of them would just say that I am being silly or that things will get better, neither of which will help. People from Church would say that Christians must not feel like this and that I should pray. But I have totally lost my faith, so can’t do that. Have already had counseling, and it didn’t make me feel any better xxx
I do understand that when you feel this low, it can really upset the people who love you to tell them how you feel.
You’ve said you’re 28 and have never had a job. That must feel pretty crappy. And of course, people want staff with experience. Are there any types of work for which you could do some voluntary work in order to gain experience? Even if you’re on ESA, you are usually able to do some voluntary work and retain your entitlement to benefits.
Or, are there any jobs for which you could get on some kind of vocational training course? Again, you should perhaps get some assistance from the Jobcentre to find out what you are able to do and retain entitlement?
Are you physically able to work? And are you in the ‘work’ category of ESA or on JSA? If so, the jobcentre staff should be helping you to find paths into paid work.
So long as you are continuing to want employment, you shouldn’t be cut off benefits by the DWP.
Sorry if I’ve gone off on a tangent that you didn’t intend. I just picked up that some of what is making you feel so low is feeling useless. Perhaps there are things you might consider spending some time on that are not work oriented? Hobbies or new skills that could give you a greater sense of self esteem? Is it something you could think about?
It really does make me feel crap. I already do volunteer work, in a National Trust House, Lanhydrock. Have done for 12 years. It would seem that volunteer work doesn’t count as experience. I have looked into doing some courses, but can’t afford it. I went to see the disability employment advisor at the jobcentre, her advise was not to bother looking for work. Not at all helpful. I am on ESA, in the support group. My mind is able to work, just not sure about my body. But then no one has let me try. I know there will come a time when the Government will stop benefits and then what will I do? Also, the older I get, the harder it will be to get a job. Also, I get judged for not working and I hate that. You are right, I do feel useless, like I am no good to anyone. I don’t have any hobbies. It is really hard that my friends are busy working or looking after their kids and don’t have time to do things with me. I am lonely and unfulfilled xxx
I’m really sorry that you hurt so much. I know that it’s really, really hard when you’ve done everything you can and it’s still not enough. You haven’t got anything else to give. You’re running on empty right?
And it’s driving you out of your mind. Is that why you’re self harming? And that’s why you have these thoughts about getting sectioned?
Believe me, just because the world is insane it doesn’t mean that you are. It only makes you feel like it.
I’m glad you shared your problems on the Forum. A load of sorrow creates a mixed up jumble of thoughts like a ball of wool. I think writing things down helps to keep life in perspective.
It seems to me, reading your messages, that you’re an intelligent, hard working, person who deserves better.
I’m going off line now but I’ll come back first thing in the morning.
You are right. I am running on empty. This year feels like it’s been an endurence task, and I can endure no more. I feel like I might break. Thanks, it is lovely to hear someone I don’t even know say nice things about me xxx
know its so very hard but try and dig deep try make a list of good things that you have to be thankful for and focus on them,look in the mirror and tell yourself you have worth and you are loved,and believe it too and keep coming on here to tell us how you feel,because we understand.
Oh crikey, it really is crap. I’m sorry if reaffirming what you already think makes it worse. But all I’m feeling is that you are just trying as hard as you can do to get meaning to your life and life isn’t letting you in.
It’s so hard to discuss someone else’s life when you don’t live it.
I remember now that you had a thread a while back when you talked about the voluntary work you do and how bloody hard it is to get some proper work.
I so wish I had an answer. MS does take so much away from us, and I feel so badly that you’re still young and given a chance, could contribute more to society. But. One thing you do need to accept is that the reason it’s so hard to get into the support group for ESA is that only people who are considered to be unable to do paid work are allowed in.
So, what I suspect you need to do is to find some meaning in your life. I don’t think that a person is only of value because they do paid work. You are clearly a person of integrity and thought. You feel that you are judged because you are unable to do paid work; this isn’t necessarily true. Sometimes it’s only in our heads that we’re judged unfairly. And in your case, it would be seriously unfair.
Many people would consider that you’re already doing more than a huge number of people on ESA, you are already offering your willing labour in an unpaid form to do volunteer work. And it is valuable work. Anything that helps to protect and show our heritage is valuable. Don’t discount the work you already do because it’s unpaid.
I don’t think I have much more to add to what I’ve said tonight. I genuinely feel that you are a good person who is suffering from depression that is real and comes from a deep seated place that is based entirely on this bas*ard disease. It is so unfair that you haven’t been allowed to have a chance of a ‘normal’ life where you can work, earn money, feel like you have the right to an ordinary life.
I do think you could do with talking to someone about your self harming. And I also think you could do with getting your head distracted from the idea of harming yourself. Keep thinking about the people who love you. And about how devastated they would be if they knew how dreadful you feel. Not to mention how awful it would be for them should you suddenly not be there anymore.
This is sad to read. I have been in a dark place a few times in my life and it’s blimey hard to get out of. Just a thought, have you had your antidepressants reviewed in a while? If you’ve been on them a long time your tolerance will be high so they may not be helping anymore? Xx
[quote=“folksongs19884”] I have applied for 37 jobs this year and only got one interview. I keep getting told I need to get experience. I have tried to get experience, but haven’t got anywhere with that either.
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I feel a strong compulsion to get all this hurt and anger and self loathing out of me somehow and the only way I can do that is by self harming. [/quote]
1 out of 37 is better than average, so you must come across as better than average!
You are getting some of it out just by writing about it here - because this is the one place where you can.
I am trying so hard. I have basically put everything I have into find a job, and now there is nothing left of me. I wish I knew what the next step is. I wish there was someone out there who could work with me to find a job. I simply cannot except that I will never work. I am only 28, if I except that I will never work, then you may as well kill me now, I simply cannot endure living like this anymore. It is not living, it’s barely even exisiting. Also, there will be a time when the government scrap all benefits and where will I be then? They are moving the goalposts all the time. Being visually impaired used to make me entitled to a blue badge, now it doesn’t and I have to struggle. Same as being on high rate DLA for mobility entitled you to a blue badge, now being on the enhanched rate of PIP for mobility doesn’t. We haven’t got better, but the government are treating us like we have. Also, tomorrow is my last shift of volunteer work, then that’s it until March. So I have 2 months with nothing to do, and will sink even lower into depression, although I am not sure how that’s possible. I also get really fustrated that I have so much pasion for historic house conservation and archaeology that I cannot use. I don’t understand why I have been given this passion when I am not able to put it too good use.
Also, I have tried to find a hobby, but I am a people person and can’t stand being on my own. I am yet to find a hobby that I can do by myself and enjoy. I told my GP about my self harming, but they wern’t at all bothererd. Might get another tatoo, at least that’s an acceptable form of self harm.
It sure is. I don’t want to feel like this. I want the old me back. I had my antidepressants changed in october, but they don’t seem to be working yet. I have tried several different ones xxx
I can guess what you’re facing. A two month vacuum with not even your job at Lanhydrock to take your mind off things. No wonder you feel depressed. Too few people realise how much unemployment sucks the self esteem out of you.
It is the most dehumanising condition I have ever experienced. You end up fighting unemployment, loneliness and having your feelings of self worth stolen. Add disability to the mix and you end up feeling that you aren’t being given any choices.
I don’t know how much your MS and visual impairment limits what you can do. What would you like to do?
That is totally it. It really does. It’s not even about the money. A job gives you so much more than money. People don’t realize that. Yeah, I feel like I am nothing. I feel unwanted and useless. I hate my useless body, wish I could have a new one that worked properly. That’s why I want to harm it, cos it’s ruined my life and that is also why I find it hard to take care of myself, because my body isn’t worth looking after. Just wish there was something I could do where I could use my brain. I feel like other people around me get to choose how they live their lives, but I don’t. I don’t fully know how it limits me, cos I have never been given a chance to test my limits. I just wish someone would give me a chance. I can’t think of anything that I would like to do, that I could actually do. I need to be around people. I can’t stand being on my own for more than a few hours xxx