Forum

what might've been?

Hi, now normally I try to keep any negative thoughts to myself, but this one has made me wonder. …‘what if?’

If this is a thread you’d like to add to, then I’d be interested to read your ‘what its’. Promise not to get maudlin!

Just before I became all wobbly and unnecessary, hubby and I spent time helping to run a caravan park, in a beautiful spot in Glos.

They were truly great times and we were offered permanent positions. It wasn’t meant to be.

What might you have done?

Pollx

Hmmm.

Not really anything to do with MS, but I’ve got a great “lost love”, who died over ten years ago in a tragic motorcycle accident. We weren’t together at that time, and in fact had never been officially together.

The L-word had never been mentioned, but he phoned me out of the blue one time, years after we’d last met, and among his last words to me were: “See you on the other side” - which turned out to be prophetic. (I assumed he’d been drinking!)

He also compared me to Shakespeare’s character Rosalind.

Not having read the play at that time, I’d no idea if that was a compliment or not. Researching “Rosalind” later, I found she is widely regarded as the wisest and most complex of all Shakespeare’s female characters, and the epitome of romantic love.

So yes, it was more than a compliment, and might have been his way of saying: “I love/loved you”, but I didn’t catch on.

The next news I heard was that he was dead - shortly after marrying someone else. :frowning:

Sorry - you asked folks not to be maudlin, but it’s hard to think of a “might have been” that isn’t.

Tina

x

1 Like

Hi Poll

Hopefully I would have gone further in my career.

More travel would have been good, we used to love heading off on various trips-home and abroad. My husband has travelled abroad more than me so he’s not that bothered.

Such is life though

Noreen xx

if only…

  • i had house-trained my husband properly early on.

we’ve been together 34 years now and it’s much too late!

-travelled more - proper travelling gap year style.

  • not taken my central nervous system for granted!

  • not wasted time worrying about having a big bum and skinny legs.

but i’m glad that i went to glastonbury festival all through my twenties!

carole x

1 Like

What if I hadn’t wasted 25 years being married to a man who didn’t love me - I wouldn’t have my beautiful daughter so no regrets

The thing with “what ifs” is we tend to think of things being better but there’s no guarantee of that. Some of the people I know that have had the most unbearable tragedy in their lives would gladly swop their good health for a better outcome. If I hadn’t had MS I would have contiued to learn to drive and, who knows, I might have crash my car and been paralysed from the neck down! So when I start with the regrets I always try to think, as much as i hate having MS, things could be a lot worse. If I were able to go back and change things would I? Not if it change that I had the children and grandchildren that I have, or ment I hadn’t met my lovely second husband.

But on a lighter note I wish I’d finished my 2 books while I could still take thinking clearly for granted, it’s going to be much harder work now but I’m determined to get there! :slight_smile:

You are right, of course. I mourn not ever having a proper go of it with my “lost love”, but there’s no way of knowing if he would still have had the accident that killed him. I might be widowed with kids AND have a shitty disease, instead of just having the shitty disease! Would he still be alive now, if we’d both played things differently, or would he still have set out on that fateful journey, regardless that his partner was different, and everything else was different?

I don’t honestly know if things would have worked out (with me or with anyone), had he lived. He had quite deep-seated abandonment issues, as he was adopted, and his birth mother had literally left him under a bush. I’ve no doubt at all his adoptive family loved him, but I think he knew from a young age he was adopted (they didn’t choose to hide it), and I think he also knew the circumstances - which were hardly the picture of a loving mum trying to do her best. I’m not sure if she hoped he would be found, or hoped he wouldn’t be. He had the commonsense to accept she must have been desperate, but he didn’t even have the consolation she’d left him somewhere help was at hand, or with a toy or keepsake to show she’d been thinking of him.

I think it must have been very hard to live with the knowledge his natural mother not only gave him up, but literally dumped him - apparently with nothing in place to ensure he’d be found and looked after. No anonymous tip-off or anything.

Tina

What if … ?
Well, my wife and I loved France.
We had looked at moving over there.
We were on the point of renting an apartment for 6 months as a way of finding out if it really was right for us.
Then came the Transverse Myelitis to be followed a year later by the Dx of MS.

So, France was not to be.
Then, two years later my wife gets her Dx of Parkinsons.

It really was not to be.
But you can play the “what if” game and see how far back you can go.
I can look at my decision not to re-enlist in the army back in 1962 (or to take up another option in the army) and one thing is certain.
Doctor Geoff would be just plain Geoff, and would not have enjoyed a lot of the free travel he has had on the University tab.

Geoff

1 Like

everyone’s life is affected by random events, some good some not so good.

For everything I think I could had done differently, something good came of the way i did do it. Whether it was friends I made or lessons I learned. And there is no guarantee that something different would have worked out the way it does in my head.

JBK xx

What if …

  1. I hadn’t been scared to go and live in the big city on my own at 18 yo to train for an exciting career with a new employer? I wouldn’t have met the wrong man and wouldn’t have my wonderful son.

  2. I hadn’t had my first symptoms of MS a week after meeting a lovely man? I might’ve had more confidence with him rather than slurred speech and a body that wasn’t working properly and things might’ve worked out. Who knows?

I have many more what ifs from my life - I only ever wanted a quiet life … Ha ha! Funny how life gives you more excitement than you want and not the kind you want either …

I’m still me and I’m still happy so there’s no point in losing much sleep over it . I’m sure I’ve made some bad decisions over the years but they’ve made me a very strong person so I’m glad of that.

Tracey x

To Anon above, is there no love in your marriage? I don’t fully understand arranged marriages, but always hoped that parents or whoever arrange these things, try for at least compatibility between the two. Do you have any support of friends?

Evening Anon, to be honest I expect a lot of people (but not everyone) feel that they may be missing a lot with their partners, or with choices they’ve made, or with not doing something before-possibly why Boudica started this thread, although I think she was definitely trying to stay positive.

unfortunately, or fortunately we are where we are, and although we have some control over some things, we don’t have control over all things. I expect your kids love you, and perhaps your husband does too. I would be happy if you wanted to personal message me ( I think that’s what it is??) if you wanted to chat further.

Otherwise have a lovely evening and try to stay positive xx

Yes Geoff, what if…my mum and dad never met etc

But maybe I should have danced more …

Yes, you have the idea exactly.

Of course, What-if Analysis is actually a serious tool that some people use for planning - it fits well with the Do Nothing Option.

Geoff

My what if’s remind me of how lucky I am that some things (not everything tho) didn’t go a different route - I almost gave up financial services to go the fitness route - with current mobility, that would have been a very bad move. I remember doing the official Spinning Instructor course… I’d be scared of breaking bones doing that now!

Life is far from perfect but I’ll make the best of it if I can

Sonia x

What might have been for me… Well I was a sort of high powered career woman who was just at the final stages of getting a job that would double my salary, which would have meant even longer hours doing something I really enjoyed. I would have still been single as no time to find a man and relationships with people from work were a no, no for me.

So what have I got now… Yes I have MS which meant that I had to slow down and that I’m unable to work at all. I have discovered hobbies and talents I never know I had from photography, sewing, art, cooking and rediscovering my love of nature. I can read books and watch films over and over as I can’t remember the story line (saves loads of money).

I also met the love of my life (who’s path I would never have crossed if I had my old life), who didn’t know the old me so doesn’t look at me with ‘oh bless’ look that lots of others do. I went from I’m fine on my own to I quite like being looked after and looking after someone else. I’m happier than I’ve ever been and have a lovely comfortable, quiet life with no drama.

So, MS has completely changed my life but for the better…who cares if I can’t remember the way to the shop or walk like I’ve had few too many etc etc, I’m happy and have a partner who I wouldn’t have found in my old life who fits in with my already loving, supportive family, who I relied on so much to get me through those early days after diagnosis.

Sue

x

2 Likes

boudicca

this is an excellent thread.

it has it all - drama, love, mystery, bad luck, good luck and the strength of mind that comes with weakness of body.

carole x

1 Like

I do try and not live in the past. If you change the past, your here and now and the future change also.

Do wish at the odd time, I hadn’t “thrown my toys out of the pram” and stayed in the Air Force for longer when I was younger though

Was married to an alcoholic (hard work that!) but without her, I wouldn’t have 2 lovely children and 1 beautiful grand child.

My present partner, is really fantastic about the MS, me having been dxd about a yr after we got together. She’s still with me, even though I did keep telling her to leave- didn’t want anyone feeling sorry for me (still don’t), couldn’t have taken that as well. That caused a few arguments and looking back, I shouldn’t have done that either- her choice after all.

She’s still with me, even though I’ve probably become a bit stroppier since turning 50 and joining the “Saga Lout brigade”. Or do us blokes just become stroppier anyway?

So, using what if;

I’d have done a few more years in the Military- possibly leading to an early death.

I wouldn’t have 2 beautiful children,a gorgeous grand daughter or a beautiful partner ,who makes me proud to be with her, now.

Still have bloody MS though!!!

Memories and the past are good. Don’t dwell on them as you start to believe things would have been better for the good.

That may not be true

Eeeee, lads and lasses. I’ve just read your replies and what a mixed bag they are!!!

I did feel a bit sad and then guilty, as my thread has caused some of you to recall bad memories. Sorry I didn’t mean to upset anyone.

But then there are some really wonderful stories, about how happy your lives are now, even with the gatecrashing MS…ISP in my case.

Between the lot of us, our lives could’ve been better, but may also have been much worse.

It is what it is and we are what we are, eh?

I’ve always been one to over-think things and can be too analytical ( oh that’s a posh word for a quiet tuesday afternoon!), at times!

Love Poll

PS have you seen my new sexy avatar? Mmm!

1 Like