Hello everyone I hope you are as well as you can be.
I used to use the forum very often and made many friends but of late I haven’t because of all what’s going on with me…
Firstly I have SPMS, SLE (Lupus) Ankylosing Spondylitis APS, osteoporosis which I thought was being rather greedy. Then I got pneumonia ended up in hospital. Next thing I found out I had Lung Cancer had radiotherapy am in remission at the moment. Then I had a fall which was caused by a blood clot on the brain, broke my shoulder and a rib ended up in hospital again. That first night in hospital I had a stroke which affected my right side.
The reason I am so fed up is that my husband who is wonderful keeps watching me like a hawk waiting for the next mishap and all I want to do is shout I can do this or do that.
Help please why, why do I feel this way when all he is doing is looking after me?
Janet you have every reason to feel fed up so please don’t beat yourself up about it! Your husband has been worried to death with everything that has happened to you and that is why he is being so ‘watchful’.He loves you and is terrified as there is nothing he can do to prevent these awful things from happening. Men like to solve problems and he can’t which makes him feel powerless so he is coping the only way he knows how but unfortunately he is suffocating you with his care.
You need to tell him gently how this is making you feel and encourage him to open up about he feels. He is really scared but perhaps doesn’t want you to know how much. Tell him how much you appreciate his care but that you need room to be able to breathe and do things for yourself.Assure him that if you need his help you will ask for it without hesitation.Tell him that the reason that you are so strong is because you know that he will be there to catch you if you fall.
You obviously love each other very much;you will find a way through it.
Its often harder for our loved ones to deal with illness. He’s watching you because he’s worried sick is all. Sit him down and ask him to be honest and say whats worrying him.
Is there anyway you can get respite? Someone needs to care for the carers and they can get stressed out as well. My partner and I are co-carers and I soon realised we needed a break from each other every now and again cuz you send each other nuts!
Janet, your post and the various responses made me stop and think about how I react to Hubby’s attempts to help me. My health problems are nowhere near as bad as yours, but I do struggle with some things. Hubby knows this and often “helps” before I ask him to. I admit that I have been a bit short with him on occasion because I believe that the more he does for me, the less I will be able to do for myself. I know that he wants to to avoid mishaps, but I prefer to attempt things first and ask for help when I know that I need it.
The best advice I can offer is the same as others have given. Talk to your husband. Explain how you feel and give him a chance to express his concerns. With time and patience you can work things out.
My grateful thanks to Carole, Belle, Reddevine and Cheerful Dragon, for replying. I have taken on board what you have all said and believe you’ve hit the nail on the head. I should sit down and tell him how I feel and give him the chance to tell me how he feels. I never tell him the odd pins and needles, the pain etc plus the symptoms of my other problems, so I will start to open up more to him. Thank you all for your sound advice it is greatly appreciated. Janet x
It is so worth it. When I was first diagnosed, the only person we knew with MS had died within 3 years. I said to my then hubby, “do you think I’ll die sooner rather than later?” He replied “sooner”. Which was a real shocker to me, as I had no idea he was that worried!!
THAT was 30 years ago, I ain’t dead yet, kids are all grown up, hubby is now ex and I am happily with another partner. Just saying you never can know whats going thru their mind. Communication is key for healthy relationship!!
You are so right Reddivine, I have had a chat with my hubby of 33 years and now realise how scared for me he is, so my grateful thanks to all you wonderful people to help me when I needed it the most. Thank you
I’m so glad you were able to open up to each other. It’s hard; you are each trying to be strong for the other and without meaning to you end up creating barriers! We all do it;I know I do and I sure my husband keeps his fears for my future from me.It’s only because we love each other and we want to protect the ones we love but sometimes keeping those fears to ourselves makes them even bigger and scarier than they need to be.
You’ve got a good one there Janet but I think you know that.x
Good point, Belle. I’ve told Hubby how I feel about excessive attempts to help me, but I haven’t asked him how he feels about what MS is doing to me. I’ll try to remember to do that when he gets home tonight.