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Some (drink related) funnies

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams … If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

<span style="color:#0080FF">"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they Wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " 
~Frank Sinatra </span>

<span style="color:#FF0000">WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.</span> 

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to
think people are laughing WITH you.

<span style="color:#0080FF">"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case . Coincidence? I think not." 
~ Stephen Wright </span>

<span style="color:#FF0000">WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. 
</span>

“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!”
~ Brian O’Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. [/a]

<span style="color:#0080FF">"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." 
~ Benjamin Franklin</span> 

<span style="color:#FF0000">]WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. </span>

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<span style="color:#0080FF">"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." 
~ Dave Barry 
</span>
<span style="color:#FF0000">WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them</span>. 

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<span style="color:#0080FF">To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! 
~ Dave Howell 
</span>
<span style="color:#FF0000">WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. 
</span>

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here’s how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this.

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not .

…love it Seb, will go on the fridge next to the Desiderata!

a bottle in front of me beats prefrontal lobotomy

Geogg

“What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?” :lol: :lol:
W.C. Fields

A few years ago at a beer festival I consumed very few beers and still had problems walking.

MS has solved the problem of walking!