Forum

separation

my wife is nearly 100% confirmed as having ms with quite a few abnormalities reported on the brain .she has decided she needs to be apart from me "needs to live alone " am I clutching at straws thinking this may be caused by the MS? or should I just accept that and dissapear from her life as that appears to be what she wants after 30 years?

Hi, It sounds as though she is expecting the worse and is frightened of how you will react to any disability she may suffer. She feels that her life will change and not be able to do the things she once could. It is a lonely feeling to be told you have ms, but there is life with ms, I suggest you if you love her hang in there and try and understand how she feels. You never know it may turn out not to be ms but whatever she will need support to come to terms with it and to be able to talk to you about how she feels. Hope that helps.

Janet

x

I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through such a tough time.Not only are you contending with your wife’s diagnosis and trying to understand how you feel about that for both you and her, you’re having to also cope with her reaction. Not easy…

I cannot comment on your relationship as I don’t know either of you but I can understand how your wife might be feeling. I too am 99% diagnosed and in my darker moments I have said to my husband that maybe he should think about his future without me involved, despite me loving him enormously. As Janet says, maybe your wife needs time to come to terms with her diagnosis and then she can review things afresh. Right now she’s blind sided by her near diagnosis - it’s life changing and she is likely to have a million thoughts going through her head.

Her actions now may not be as a result of the MS, but given time to accept her situation there may well be a positive outcome; afterall you’ve been together for 30 years for a reason.

Take care,

Stardust x

This is a known reaction to being told that you have something seriously wrong with you and is usually done because the person doesn’t want to be a burden on their loved ones.

It’s perfectly understandable, but is totally misguided in almost every case of MS. So I would guess that your wife thinks that MS is worse than it actually is. Perhaps she doesn’t know anyone with MS and has only seen some of the rubbish that TV and films show? Perhaps she has worked with MS patients, and therefore only seen the MSers who have more severe symptoms? Whatever the cause, she is probably being noble, but misguided.

I think you need to (gently) challenge her reasoning (and get your GP or a counsellor involved if it would help).

You clearly love her, otherwise you wouldn’t have posted on here, so I am assuming that whatever happens you want to be there to support her? You need to tell her that. You also need to explain to her that being apart from her would be worse than being with her no matter how bad things get.

It is probably important to establish if this is actually the reason behind her wanting to separate though. Could this be an excuse and she’s been wanting to leave for a while? Could the reason she wants to be apart be that she is scared of things like incontinence and needing you to bath her, etc, i.e. things that she might be embarrassed for you to see and do for her? things that she thinks might belittle her in your eyes or undermine your love for her?

Perhaps reading some proper information about MS together would help? You can learn about what she fears and she can learn that some of those fears are unfounded. You can download free booklets from here or from the MS Trust website, or order hard copies for free.

Please bear in mind that MS is a massively variable condition and these booklets have to cover everything. Your wife will NOT get everything that is discussed! The truth is that the vast majority of MSers are able to live long, happy and fulfilling lives. Yes, MS brings its challenges and it can be really hard at times, but it is NOT the end of the world.

Karen x

There is nothing more I can add to the advice and thoughts above I just wanted to say hello,and I feel for you both.

Does your wife use this forum as it maybe that talking to people on here could also help in her journey to acceptance of her dx?

Thinking of you both

Pip

Sounds to me like a classic reaction after receiving life-changing news. Sounds like she is trying to save you from having the possible burden of MS and all that it may bring.

Very good advise given in previous posts.

I would certainly recommend some councelling so you can get to the bottom of how you are both feeling and find ways of coping together.

Would your wife benefit from joining this forum perhaps? …and have a read of some of the positive posts here about other people’s lives with MS?

You must both me very frightened and upset right now and making decisions in that state is not always the best time.

It sounds to me as though your wife is terrified and is pushing you away in order to save you. I might be wrong as I don’t know your story.

Whatever the reason, I hope you can get some professional help to work things through.

I wish you both much luck.