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Overdoing it,I know it, but family just don't seem to notice :(

Hi everyone

I am new to the forum but just need to vent/feel a bit sorry for myself :frowning:

I was diagnosed with relapsing remitting MS some 12 years ago at the age of 38. I was started on many medications at the time - baclofen, nortriptyline, gabapentin and a whole host of other stuff. So much so that I had one of those prepaid prescription cards

It made me feel so spaced out and out of control, it was quite unpleasant

Anyway, over time I decided not to take any medication and weaned myself off them. That was around 2005. I have worked hard over the years to look after myself, bit of yoga, eating healthily except the wine, etc…

We have even lived overseas, I have studied and done well but now feel completely exhausted and my family just don’t seem to notice - or not want too…

Currently I work 3 days/week as a nurse (palliative care) and study full time - doctorate but feel its just too much. There is so much pressure on me to complete this study - which I would love to - but just feel I can’t work as well - but can’t afford not to work - if that makes sense. On top of that I still pretty much run the household and my husband is close to useless in helping out and when he does - we know about it.

I just dont know how to make him/them see that I am simply exhausted. I have just taken 2 weeks leave to try and get some energy back and previously I used to recover in a week but it has taken me 2 and to be honest could do with another week. My husband seems to think that even if I complete my study I will be able to work full time as a lecturer, but I’ve only done it to prove I can and to beat the MS.

How do I make them see it? I am really struggling with this - to the point I have felt like leaving my marriage and at least then I have only me to look after and can do things at my pace. (Been married 28 years and seems like he not only takes me for granted but is quite unpleasant at times too - like my illness is a burden despite me still working and contributing).

Don’t really know what I’m asking, but just felt I needed to get it out there.

Thanks for listening :slight_smile:

Sparklydiva

Afraid you will have to be vocal regarding how you feel. For years i kept quiet as Hubby would wrap me in cotton wool and MS has robbed me enough already, But then i would push myself too far, example being I was a feel fast walker now pensioners pass me by. Abled bodied people dont get it some do but they are few and far between, so you may have to have the conversation with family regarding what you can achieve, You are not giving in you are ajusting to the situation that you now find your self in. Regarding study can you do this part time may take longer to complete but your health comes first.

Good luck

trish

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Hello sparklydiva, so sorry to hear that you’re having a tough time. This is the right place to vent and get it off your chest (I was only doing the same the other day). As you’re so tired everything is going to seem like a more difficult task. I’m not sure how vocal your husband is ( and I hope when you say he can be unpleasant doesn’t mean that he is physically unpleasant?) but I’d tell work you need more time, get a sick note and have the rest you need. If him indoors doesn’t like it…tough! You need to rest and recharge. The fact that you’ve carried on regardless makes everyone think that you’re alright really. Instead they should be praising and appreciating what you do…but alas, families tend not to ‘get it’. So, get some more rest if you can; tell your college or Uni or whatever what’s going on, maybe they can extend your time or something ? I’ve no idea how they operate but there’s no harm asking. Like someone said above, either write hubby a note or just ignore his behaviour best you can. It could be that he’s scared to death of you being ill and acts the idiot to mask that? Dunno, but you do need to put yourself first…for a change xxx

you concentrate on completing your doctorate - it may mean doing a bit of ducking and diving at work - you may need some extra support from college (colleges usually very helpful in these circumstances) - b****r the housework. Without making a big issue of it quietly cut down the hours you send on household tasks

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Hi Sparkleydiva,

So hope the comments above have helped. I know exactly how you feel and it’s far from easy. I work 30 hrs a week, have spent the last two years studying in my free time (although nowhere near as impressive as for a doctorate :slight_smile: ) have a teenage daughter who feels I should be doing everything for her and man who quite honestly no matter how much he loves me has no idea how difficult I find it to keep everything in doors going. But the worst thing for me is that I have let it happen… I am my own worse enemy. I was a single parent until 3 years ago and so I had to do everything myself. My life experiences up until then had made me believe that you couldn’t rely on anyone else and so asking for help was out of the question.

I am sat here now replying to you and looking around my house knowing that I should get off my a**e and hoover and mop the floors - but I seriously don’t think I can at the momet because I feel so weak. But neither my man or daughter will consider this, or be bothered by the fact that the floors need cleaning and so if I don’t eventually do it quite honestly it wont get done. If I don’t do the washing it will sit there and if I don’t go to Tesco they will live on toast lol.

And although I laugh now it makes me so angry that I don’t tell them to help. But I can’t. I want to be able to stay in control of my life and my home. Both me and my man are older (I’m 46 he is 53) and have only been together 3 years and it scares me to show him how bad I feel at times. He didn’t sign up for this. He signed up and fell in love with me when I was vibrant and full of life and wanting to go out and have fun all the time - days at the beach, nights out with friends, late nights, early mornings, no moaning or falling asleep cause I am so bloody knackered. It scares me.

Sorry for waffling on because in truth I don’t know the answer to your question. I too sometimes feel like just walking out the door one day and escaping for a while - take time to myself and leave them to it, maybe then they would see how life really is. But again I know I never will. It’s so hard to talk to people honestly and explain how you feel and what you need from them. But I guess it’s the only way. If you find an answer tho please share :slight_smile:

I wish you well

Sarah

You really need to sit down and talk to your husbands/partners and kids and explain how you feel, what the MS is doing and how tired you are. I know I’m not a typical women, never given a stuff about housework, but you need to tell them you can’t do everything you used to and that you need help. If you don’t cut down, the fatigue will get unbearable and it will make the MS worse.

They love you for you, not because you run the house. I’m sure they’ll understand.

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