Forum

MS Has Won !!!!

Caring for someone with MS
#1

Last Thursday I attended a meeting with my wife Jo, we were asked to go and see a Neuropsychologist. At this meeting that lasted for nearly 2 hours Jo told the Psychologist that she wanted to be alone in dealing with her MS. She has shut herself off from everyone and now she wants to do it to me. On Monday of this week we received a letter from the Neuropsychologist informing Jo of new session times, where they would meet up once a week for the next six weeks. Included in this letter was the following paragraph “Jo is suffering from severe mood depression, she is shutting herself off from everyone stating she wants to be left alone to deal with her MS, she is putting strain on her Marriage because of this”.

Today Jo told me that after thinking about things, she would attend the sessions but had come to the decision that after they were finished she wanted me to leave !!

I died inside…

I feel angry because I have given up my life to care for her 24/7 for the last 10 years. I am unemployable because I have no current references to give anyone. I have no money to call my own(Carer’s Allowance will cease). I just don’t know what to do…

#2

Hi Andy,

I can understand how scary and what a kick-in-the-teeth that must be.

But please don’t give up hope just yet. Your wife has agreed to attend the sessions, and that still leaves a window of opportunity, however small.

Of course, I can’t guarantee the sessions will change her mind - I suppose a lot will depend on how they go. But the letter does make clear she is depressed, so I think you have to allow for the possibility it may be the depression talking, and that this is addressable.

After all, if she’s so sure, why the six-week delay while she attends the sessions? Why doesn’t she want you to leave immediately? Can it be that she has a grain of doubt about whether that’s the right thing, and she hopes the sessions might change things?

I’m not sure exactly what the goals of the sessions would be, but as the neuropsych has obviously latched onto the fact depression is a factor, and is threatening the marriage, I assume they will at least attempt to tackle this.

For what it’s worth, I don’t think it’s uncommon that the sick person attempts to protect themselves, AND others, by putting up barriers. She may feel that if she gives you reason to be angry, you can leave without feeling guilty, and this will be less painful for you. She may be worried about “being a burden”, and think she is “releasing you” - hence doing you a favour.

I don’t want to give you false hope, but I do hope that, with the psych’s help, she can explore whether separation and/or divorce is what she really wants, or whether this is just a way of avoiding deeper issues, like her fears of being a burden, or that she’s depriving you of your life (which may have an element of truth, even if you’d still do it willingly, if it’s what she still wanted too).

It can’t be easy always being the carer, but it can’t be easy always being the person who owes a debt of gratitude, either - even if you’ve never intentionally made her feel that way.

Tina

x

#3

Hi, oh hun, I do feel sad for you.

You have obviously been a good husband and are shocked to think or even hear, that your wife wants you to leave.

She isnt in a good place at all just now. her thinking must be all over the place. She may think perhaps, how ever wrongly, that cutting you out of her life, will give you chance to find someone else.

it seems she is unable to take your thoughts and feelings on board. Hopefully the counselling sessions will help her sort out what`s going on in her head.

I hope you can hang on in the hope that the sessions will go the right way and you and she can get back on track as a loving couple.

luv Pollxx