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Lover into carer - not sure how to proceed

Without going into huge detail about my messed up story at this point - I just wonder about the whole lover/carer thing. Does it ever work?

I met my current partner a year ago, already dx’ed and experiencing alot of problems (but not a heck of a lot of support - more of that story later). I can’t walk etc, so he was already used to me being a wheelchair user when we met, and got romantic (which is sort of possible though I never would have believed you had you told me at the time). I was single so coping on my own with help of carers, who by nature don’t bat an eyelid at wet beds and helping you in the shower. I was I single mum before my health really dropped off, and instead of supporting me, SS sent my kids to live with their (abusive - why we left in first place) father :’-(

Anyway - situation I’m in now. Esp. after being in a long term abusive relationship, that level of trust is really hard for me. We are in the process of moving in together, into my current place which is adapted. Thing is, I’m not sure either he, or our relationship are cut out for it. What seems ok right now isn’t necessarily going to be for the rest of your life, and I’m only 30 - I’ve got some years left. He hasn’t seen me in a really bad way yet - not messy and icky and impossible. Plus, he kind of expects me to lead in the relationship, and by default I sort of have to follow. I don’t feel he’s the ‘protector’ I need him to be sometimes. I love him, don’t get me wrong, I just don’t know if this can work.

If anyone has any advice or experience to impart I would be really grateful of responses.

hypermummy all men are not bad.

talk to him and tell him how you feel. im pretty sure you will be fine after you have told him how things are . its perfectly understandable that your worried and i bet your fella understands that.

atb MTT

I agree open up to him… He sounds like a good un and I think he’ll be fine. If he knows about m.s he will.know what the future may or may not be like and clearly he loves you too much to miss out :slight_smile: I suspect he will have googled m.s on meeting you and will understand. I also suspect that when he needs to he will become a protector, trouble is at the moment he may not realise he needs to. You sound like you’ve been through the mill and I suspect because of this you may come along as a strong person. But I honestly think you’ll find he is a protector when it comes to it. Speak to him and enjoy this relationship instead of worrying…we all know life is too short. The main thing is if your happy hun? Take care x x x

He sounds like a lovely man to me and one you should cherish. From reading your post it seems as if you are looking to change him into someone he’s not but the very fact that you were attracted to him in the first place must mean that you were looking for someone different. Isn’t that what he is someone different, someone caring, someone who wants to share his life with you (this type of man will cope with the good and the bad times). Yes you are right it might not last forever, but it might,and you will never know unless you give him a chance. There are lots of really nice men out there and it sounds to me like you have found one of them. Why not give him a chance and be happy sharing life in the here and now and let tomorrow look after itself.

;-)))) Mary

Hi, I can see why you are worried about this subject.

let me tell you about my own situation…but I dont want to be too explicit!

Been married for almost 41 years and been disabled for 15…so hubby and I had a full life before that happened…to BOTH of us!

Although I do have outside carers, they help me for 16 hours a week, plus 1 sleepover.

So there are still a lot of hours each week, when it`s just me and hubby.

I do often need his help with personal care. I still feel embarrassed about this, but it does not affect the way he feels about me. I know I am loved, but I also know I just couldnt start afresh with a different fella.

Give your new man a try, he`ll be fine I reckon…more likely to be you who is worried, but you can only try.

I do wish you well…both of you.

luv Pollx

The complications can becom endless and at times it is like a cobweb. You can not help. I believe with time people get the time to get their thoughts sorted. So give it some time.